hello, i am a 17 year old male and i am soo confused. let me start out with this. my whole life, i wanted girls. plain and simple. never had an attraction towards guys in public or anything or even thoughts. since i was 10 or 11 i watched porn. i loved regular porn, mailny hardcore and asian porn. i also LOVED lesbian porn. i loved everything about a girl. vagina, *** and boobs. omg i LOVED it. ever since i was about 13, i watched gay porn on and off not thinking much of it since i was soo girl crazy. i always loved fantasizing about girls and me having sex with them. i always fantasized about this one girl. omg i fantasized soo much about her that i thought my brain was going to fry. i went out with the girl for 6 days and broke up with her haha, it was in 6th grade. lately, these thoughts about girls do not pleasure me as much anymore after my girlfriend broke up with me after a month and a half-almost 2 months. i started thinking about men a lot more and it scares the living hell out of me and i started questioning myself. like i completely hate myself and i have been for the past month since this girl broke up with me. ive been soo depressed and just fel like a complete waiste of space. when i went out with a girl, it usually lasted like 2 months then it would just die out. i never understood why but i didnt care because i was soo girl crazy. whenever i wasnt attracted towards girls, i wouldnt pay much attention to it because i never questioned myself. now that i am questioning myself, i cant even get a little bit hard at the thought of a girl and it feels like the devil is inside me. yes these homosexual thoughts do arouse me, but it kills me inside. my whole life i never wanted to be in a relationship with a guy, like ever. i always said "why would anyone wanna go out with a guy? im soo lucky to be straight and not gay." now that my mind is starting to mess with me, it tells me that i will be happier in a relationship with a guy and thats all i ever wanted. i could probably do that and be happy BUT BUT BUT I DO NOT WANT TO. i feel like it is a disorder controlling my mind and i WILL NOT give into it. whenever i have these thoughts, i cant even look at a girl and be attracted. i wont even talk to a girl unless im gonna be friends with her. i was NEVER like this WHATSOEVER. so about 2 or 3 weeks ago, i lost my virginity to a girl i liked for a while a year ago. the sex was alright. i obviously got very aroused even when we hooked up. after the sex i drove her home because i didnt even wanna be near her. a couple days ago, i had sex with another girl. the sex was a little bit better. i still felt weird after. when i was younger, all i could think of was SEX SEX SEX with girls and how awesome it would be. i used to masturbate and make up scenes of me and certain girls having sex. thats how into it i was. it almost feels like i have a fetish for penises lately. idk i cant even explain my train of thought anymore, i feel soo bipolar. ive been taking st.johns wort or however you spell it and it doesnt do much. last night, i was in a really good mood for some reason and i was talking to this hot girl. i couldnt keep the smile off my face, it was ear to ear. i got aroused when she said "your cute enough to kiss ;]" omg i was aroused sooo bad it was crazy. the next day (which is today) i feel like complete crap again. these thoughts wont leave my mind and its killing me. like i kind of want to have sex with a guy to see what its like but i would hope after it, i would realize that it isnt for me and i would love being with girls again. in my opinion, this feels like a phase or even OCD. the thoughts wont leave my mind and it is driving me completely insane. deep down, i dont want to be gay. thats the real me saying this is wrong, its not you. like how cant i not like a girl and be attracted towards guys? i cant see myself going up to a dude in my school and having sex with him, it wouldnt feel right to me at all. but when i watch porn i get aroused soo easily and it kills me. completely kills me. im hoping this is something like a fetish or a phase that will pass me by because i always wanted to be in a long relationship with a girl for years, get married and have kids and live a normal life like i want. i dont want to grow old with a man. i just want to live the life i used to have loving girls. i really hope this is something that passes in time, i will feel soo comforted if someone has the same story as i do and made it though straight. also, i cant get these thoughts off my mind. if i feel like im sitting in a "gay" way in class, ill change the way im sitting. i get nervous around homosexuals. i get nervous when guys look at me more than once. i cant even hear the word gay without feeling anxious. my mind tells me if i let my guard down and acceot myself, ill be happy. but i dont want to be happy being like this. i know that i wont enjoy it because deep down i think its wrong. its not what my parents pumped into my brain, its what i feel. my mind keeps telling me im gay and it wont stop. it really feels like OCD because it wont leave me alone. like i said, if i was completely attracted to girls ,i would be the happiest guy in the world. someone please help me :[[