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Avatar universal

He won't let me touch him

I am a 27 year old female who is somewhat successful thus far. I have my own home that I purchased myself, a nice car and a steady job. I have been with my boyfriend for just shy of 3 years. I love him. He loves me. We have lived together for almost all of that time. He has a daughter who will be five in two months. I love her as much as I could love my own (if I had any kids). She is happy and clever. She lives with us half of every week. It all sounds wonderful right? Well, here's the problem:
When we met we had sex all the time. I gave him oral all the time too. In fact, I cannot think of a time that I haven't orally pleased him while getting into the act.
I have a very high libido for some odd reason. I wish I didn't. I've googled different ways to lower it. I have an iud which from everything I've read, should lower my sex drive but it hasn't. This is my second iud. I've had an iud for a total of about 7 years. I've always said I don't want to bring a child into the world until I'm married and in a stable place in life. I plan for a planned child. Sounds silly, but true.
My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex. He won't let me please him in any way and he NEVER makes a move on me. I find him sexy, incredibly smart, ambitious, he's all around the total package but has no sex drive. Sometimes I wonder if he is asexual. Every other blog I've read is the standard answer, "he's gay" or "he's cheating." No, neither. We spend every moment together, happily, apart from when we are at work. He's offended if I don't cuddle with him or pay attention while he's talking (let's be honest, men and women both zone out on occasion - nothing personal). I don't know what to do. I'm constantly sexually frustrated. When we do have sex it's short lived, usually only 5-15 min long. Then each time, the distance between sessions is longer and longer. It's been 3 weeks since we've been physical. Even then, we didn't have sex. It was oral for him, and a toy on me. Which is great but I want to feel that connection (no pun intended). I want him to look at me and feel something. Instead I get, "babe don't, I'm tired." Or he will move my hand from touching him intimately. I can be rather persistent but it never works. I'm so tired of feeling rejection, literally daily. We talk about it on a regular basis. Normally it's started by a complaint on my part. Begging actually. Other times I make a conscious decision to have no emotion whatsoever and look at the wall and ask him to please let me touch him. Then yet again it feels like begging.
I have such low self esteem because of this. It's not like I don't get hit on by the guys at work. I'm no model but I'm certainly not ugly. I wish I could lower my libido. I love him. He's truly the one. I love his family and his morals. He's perfect. I just need to find a balance and how I get there I have no idea. Please. Anyone. Help. I'm desperate. Thanks in advance.
17 Responses
Avatar universal
When me n my hubby got together we did it all the time then it started to not b as much n forth so I cheated dumb of me but I've come to realize I'm a sex addict..  n now my hubby understand why I wants to do it once a day or something it's really a communication thing aak him why he did it all the time then stopped  got to b a reason n explain it seriously bothers u. Don't ever cheat thoe it's a bad time we almost got divorced n we have a 5 yr old bad times but now it's out n the open things r alot better good luck
139792 tn?1498589250
COMMUNITY LEADER
Google'Breath to orgasm".Both of you understand breathing method,Experiment each method,One is alternate breathing, second is simultaneous breathing and the third is circular breathing. This will serve as a fore play as well. Do it as an experiment without expecting any result. This may help you to normalize your sexual activity.
To day I learnt about one website. I think it would be good for you It is www.cuddleuptome.com. Samanth is a professional cuddler. She has written a book on cuddler.Read the introduction.
You may kegel each other to get different sensation.
Ask him to do male deer exercise. Google for details.
Avatar universal
Thank u for your time. We have spoken about it on many occasions. His reasoning is he's "not in the mood." Although if he'd just let me touch him for a couple minutes he would be. Last night believe it or not he was asleep and I started massaging his body. Then I gathered enough courage to go for it and he only moved my hand twice. I asked "please" twice and with a big sigh he let me touch him intimately.
I don't want to cheat. I love him completely. I think it might have to do with Asperger's syndrome. We know his grandfather, and father have it. I've spoken to his mothers on several occasions and we both think he has it. I asked him this morning to take an online test regarding it, just to see how high on the spectrum he might be. He asked me why and I said sometimes I feel like maybe it's a problem with me but it could possibly be about aspergers. He replied with how his dad and Grampa have it and I said I knew, also that it's likely he and his daughter have it. He seemed concerned when I mentioned the potential for her to have it then took the quiz. Of course the stupid quiz stopped working halfway through but at least he's trying. One of the many reasons I love him.  
1 Comments
You said that you have obtained your own house, car etc. at age 27.  Bravo.  However, you have not mentioned what your boyfriend has obtained.  In my humble opinion, I do not believe his lack of sexual interest has anything to do with the sexual act itself, or of being attracted to you.  Rather, I believe that it is a "power-play" on his part.  He has something that you want, and it gives him a sense of power and control to deny you.  Neither of you will do well with this game, so I would suggest therapy if you want this to work.  
Avatar universal
How interesting! I will definitely look into this. Thanks for your response. I am unsure how I will present this exercise to him but I'm not painstakingly shy so I'm sure I will find a way.
I will also look into the cuddling. I do love it but unfortunately for my situation it gets my heart racing. I just want to touch him. Cuddling in his case is just comfy and happy. In my world it's that, then leads me to massaging which leads to intimate places and then the inevitable rejection. Then I'm hurt and roll away. I know I should continue to cuddle but I'm too embarrassed by the rejection and I know if I lay with him and cuddle more I'll just do it again. It's a vicious cycle really.
I mentioned in the reply a few moments ago that I, ahem, got "lucky" and that's truly how I feel. Like I've flown under the radar and got what I wanted, undetected. Because I know, if he just lets me start, he'll enjoy it, thoroughly.
139792 tn?1498589250
COMMUNITY LEADER
WHILE NAVIGATING SELF CUDDLING MEDITATION I FOUND THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE;
#1 A Happier Life

We’ve all seen the self-help books and heard about the ways to make our lives a little happier, however the best thing for you is absolutely free. Cuddling, especially for an extended time lifts serotonin levels. An imbalance in serotonin levels may influence mood in a way that leads to depression so by raising these levels, you’ll also elevate mood and help create happiness.

#2 Healing Touch

Cuddles and hugs can heal many ills, including the feelings of a broken heart. By holding your broken-hearted friend, you can actually help them to overcome their problems as an embrace can instantly boost Oxycontin levels. Oxycontin is known to affect feelings like anger, loneliness and grief, so next time your friend is at their low point, just being there really may be all they need.

#3 To Give & Receive

Cuddling teaches us how to share and care for one another. Studies have shown that children who were cuddled more tend to be more selfless in their actions and with their possessions and are generally more friendly. It is believed to be attributed to the embrace, which teaches us how to receive love to share in equal measure.

#4 Tension Reliever

Have a stressful day? Well, tonight would be a good time to cuddle with someone you love. Ever notice how you could have the worst possible day where you get laid off, have a fender bender, or learn sad news about a loved one, and just being in the arms of your honey can make all of the pain go away? Cuddling is a natural stress-reliever as it relaxes muscles, releases tension, increases overall circulation and even soothe your aches.

#5 Boosts Self-Esteem

We all have those “ugly” days when we just don’t feel good about ourselves. The act of a simple hug can instantly boost self-esteem. As infants and children, we rely on our family’s touch to show us that we’re special to them and the associations of self-worth from those early years are embedded into our nervous system as adults.

#6 Helps Rebuild Immunity

Our immune systems can be affected by some interesting factors but did you know something as simple as touch can make a difference? Cuddling actually helps to strengthen the immune system. The gentle pressure on the sternum and the emotional charge stimulates the thymus gland (which regulates the body’s production of white blood cells) which affects our overall health. Cuddling those you love can help keep you both healthy and rebuild immunity after an illness.

#7 Energy Exchange

Long hugs or leaning on someone’s shoulder can be as effective as cuddling. When people touch, there is an exchange of energy between the two. This is only amplified the more one is touched and the effects are more positive depending on the relationship between the individuals. So for couples in love, you can actually help revitalize your partner or a hug from a friend can refresh you both. That energy exchange acts as an investment between the two that can be drawn from later in literal and sensory memory.

#8 Creating Balance

Cuddling may not seem necessary but it is one of the best ways to help balance out the nervous system. Our skin responds to being embraced or embracing others. The effect is believed to put our skin in a more balanced state and do the same with the entire nervous system. This is part of the reason infants respond well to being cuddled and held closely, it affects us positively from the time we are born.

#9 It Builds Trust

Having an issue with open communication in your relationship? Many couples struggle with this over time. You may have also noticed that there has been less physical contact. The two go hand-in-hand as an intimate touch can result from good communication, but did you know cuddling can help create good communication? More than anything, cuddling builds trust. The more you touch, the easier it becomes to trust each other. The nurturing feeling of cuddling helps to build a sense of safety and happiness.

#10 Connecting in the Moment

Cuddling teaches us to connect with one another in the moment. It disrupts our usual thinking long enough to connect feelings, touch and even breathing pattern. This creates intimacy and helps to encourage our sensory memory in a favorable way towards the person being cuddled. Similar to meditation, cuddling encourages us to flow with the natural connections of life, most of which are made on the spot but can be maintained though sensory memory.

Avatar universal
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who has a low sex drive? It seems to be an important part of your life - part of you you've tried to suppress for his benefit.

I know you love him, but are you compatible? That is a huge issue in any relationship, and good sex can solve a lot of other problems in a relationship.

Just my $.02
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139792 tn?1498589250
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