Help: Fetish and arousal problems

[xkcd_123]

I am 29 years old and faced with a dilemma that I have been trying to avoid for the whole of my life, but can no longer avoid.

I have been attracted to the "female domination" fetish since I was about 10/11 years old (and much before I had accessed internet and knew that there was such a thing). I had never felt attracted towards penetrative sex, and this has not aroused me. On the other hand, "female domination" fetishes such as foot worship etc. have aroused me.

I have been brought up in a conservative society and I had never had sex. This isn't "very" unusual coming from my conservative background, and so outwardly, I have been able to pass on as normal (shy geeky guy, so no girlfriend explanation). But I cannot avoid the question of a life partner anymore.

The problem is that I cannot get any erection without a female domination scenario. I have tried sleeping with a couple of women (one night stands) but I have failed to perform both times, inspite of the fact that they had tried their best. They did not know they I have this fetish.

To make matters worse, I have been feeding off on female domination porn since I was 18/19 yrs old. This, too, has conditioned me to some (large) extent.

However, I now want to have a normal relationship. Everything else is in place. I have a good job etc. but the only problem is with my sexual intimacy, which is why I cannot approach a normal girl, and tell her this.

What should I do? If I want to get treatment, should I go to a psychatrist? Since this isn't physical, in the sense that I can get an erection from "female domination pornography" but not from regular pornography, or in real life from an woman, I think it is more of a mental issue than a physical one.

Please advice how to go about the medical treatment. I am feeling very helpless.

[LIKEaCATinHEAT]

every fettish is natural ... really! i have a fettish of domination toward me weather it be male or female! (not including my fettish for bdsm or 'bondage domination slave and master') its what you like! go with it! there will be women who will understand and there will be women who dont and dont want to participate... go for the women who understand! you may have to join an adult site and search for women who are dom. :) try to date a women who seems to you strong willed and dom. (a sub can almost always tell) try not to be too shy and tell them after a couple dates what you like... or tell them online on an adult site.... trust me it will all end up alright ... hopefully sooner rather than later... good luck!

[Anonymouse88]

Well, your preferences certainly make things harder for you, but not impossible.  I don't think you'll ever be happy in a relationship with a completely vanilla person.  Some people do go the route of having a primary relationship with a vanilla person and then having a play partner on the side with their partner's consent, but that's usually people who figured out they were kinky after already being married.  Then again, you could look in local poly groups for someone who would be more willing to have that arrangement.  I recommend the book "The Ethical ****" if you feel like trying that route.

Based on what you said, I'm not convinced that you can't have penetrative sex.  You tried with some one night stands who didn't know about your kinkiness, and couldn't perform, but that doesn't mean you couldn't perform when being dominated.  And there are women out there who don't like penetrative sex, which might be a perfect match for you if you find you just can't do that one item on the entire long menu of sexual activities.

I personally think trying to therapy away kinky inclinations is just like trying to therapy away gay inclinations.  Therapy might be useful to learn to accept who you are, but I think it would be fruitless to try to change something that won't change, and that it would make you even more unhappy.

[remar]

I would recommend therapy. You know you can get an erection so that's not a problem. I do think with therapy you can get this straightened out and have a normal marriage. I think there must be a reason why you can only have sex when BDSM is involved.

[xkcd_123]

Thanks for your comments, blu and anonymouse.
I do know of fetlife, and have participated in the local bdsm community for a while too.

However, I am south Asian, and want to marry someone from my own country (a personal preference). BDSM isn't so commonly acknowledged in South Asian communities. Even then, I would definitely like to talk to my partner, and make sure, that she is interested in BDSM play.

But in the end, it will be a fractional minority, who will agree to a relationship where I cannot have penetrative sex (even if it is with BDSM foreplay).

[Anonymouse88]

There's a whole community of people just like you out there, who are kinky and don't get off on "vanilla" sex.  Check out Fetlife (just google it).  It's basically facebook for kinky people, and has lots of discussion groups, including ones for newbies, people into female domination, and people with foot fetishes.  If you only managed to get off with feet being involved then you might qualify for a paraphilia, but that wouldn't even necessarily need treatment if you had a partner who was cool with that.  As it is, you say you are aroused by female domination, which in my opinion (and in the opinion of countless other kinksters) is perfectly normal.  I think once you find a partner who fits with you, you'll be fine.  I have to run, but feel free to message me to ask me more about kink 101 stuff.

[BluCrystal]

My opinion, (keep that in mind), you don't have a problem, you are just different.  That being said, you have to take a different approach to intimacy.  I know of more than one woman who would find it fun to play dress-up.  The thing is this, before you get serious at all with a woman, she needs to be told the full extent of your fetish, to see if she is willing to go along, and/or add sex-toys to the idea.  And keep your wallet open: your perfect womman will need a new wardrobe, just for you. :-)  Blessings - Blu