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How can I tell my wife my anxiety creates my E.D.?

My wife and I have been having sex since the first couple of dates. Now 10 years later I am expecting ED most times we try. I have performance anxiety because it has happened may times throughout the years. I tell her it is anxiety but she thinks it is her. I am also a 50+ man with non crippling health conditions and take 4 medications a day 3 for high blood pressure. I tell her these are factors but nothing penetrates (no pun there). We tried relaxation intimacy where the pressure is less to have sex.

It happened again tonight and she is sleeping next to me now upset and thinking I am not into her any longer. Any help would Uhm help.
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Avatar universal
Like any other anxiety thought that gets in the way, you have to learn to let that thought go.  Don't know if therapy would help or not, but it might.  Meditation might help relax your whole system.  If it is being caused by the meds and conditions you have, then you have to take something to overcome that if anything available is safe to take.  Or some of those meds might in fact not be necessary, as doctors are medication crazy as that's all they're taught how to do in school these days but there are other ways to lower blood pressure unless it's a serious condition causing it.  Since you're taking 3 different meds for it, that's probably the case, but even so, dietary changes and long-used herbs and nutrients can help enough sometimes to push you out of the danger range.  Again, depends on how severe the problem is as to whether or not your doctor is medication crazy or you're one who needs it.  I can empathize because I have the same problem, mine was caused by being rushed back to normal behavior too soon after prostate surgery.  Been very hit or miss since then, but it's harder when it's from a physiological cause.  I'm trying herbs that help with that so far, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  I have problems you don't have, so our reasons are different, I also had a very bad medication experience that has led to a lot of problems mental and physical down the road and so it's very hard for me to want to do it when I can do it and when my wife can do it, as she has some problems physically as well.  We're in our 60's, and so stuff happens.  I often wonder if it would work better if I was with someone I was more sexually attracted to, but then again, it worked fine until the surgeon rushed me back so who knows?  I would say maybe your wife needs to hear it from your doctor sitting down with both of you and telling her this happens to men as they age sometimes and physical problems and meds catch up to us.  But again, if it is anxiety causing it, you can fix that with some work.  Peace.
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207091 tn?1337709493
Speaking from a woman in her 50s point of view here -

Do you show her in other ways that you are still attracted to her? Do you still tell her she's beautiful? Are you affectionate in non-sexual ways?

I agree with Pax about having your wife sit down with your doctor. It's not great that she isn't believing you and that her self-esteem is so low that she assumes it's her. If you've been really honest with her about what you're going through, it seems she'd believe you.

Are you doing everything you can to treat your anxiety? Are you in therapy? Have you talked to your doctor about it? ED can also be a sign of health problems - maybe some you don't know you have yet - or maybe it's a side effect of one or more of your meds, so talking to your doctor would be a great start if they don't already know.

If my husband had ED, but wasn't taking the steps to address it, if possible, I'd probably wonder if he just wasn't that into me, too.

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What if your wife was never beautiful?  To me, there are two kinds of sexual attraction.  One is looks.  But everyone gets old and looks for most of us don't last, and I'm not sure lying is a great tactic.  I didn't get married until I was in my early 50's, and so she was never beautiful.  The sexual attraction is never going to be like it was when I was younger and dated women who looked a whole lot better and especially wore a whole lot less clothing.  It's just true that some of us are luckier than others when it comes to that kind of attraction.  But the other one is all mental, based on love or something that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.  And that 2d one is more lasting but also more fleeting, because feelings aren't always going to be that intimate or intense.  So I wanted to say that because my wife would know I was lying through my teeth if I told her she was beautiful, she's well aware she's not.  Nor am I.  And as for treating ED, it's not so easy to do that.  You can take drugs for it, but that's always a last resort.  They can be dangerous.  They can go awry.  But yeah, they are there.  But if the attraction is still there and you're aroused and all that and it still isn't working anymore or consistently because life has gotten much more complicated, it can go from a physical thing to a mental thing, and the mental thing is really not easy to overcome but usually is overcome with time and maybe some help.  It's usually not really if someone is in to you or not, if they weren't they wouldn't be trying at all.  Which is what a lot, maybe most, long-term marriages get to.  My point being, never assume the person isn't into you until you learn that's true.  
My parents were married until my dad's death in his 80s. He always thought she was beautiful.

I'm in my early 50s, and I sure hope if I ever marry, my husband would find me beautiful. I'm not what I was at 20, for sure, but even if my husband didn't think I was movie star beautiful, he'd be physically attracted to me. I definitely think the mental attraction is important. I think maybe this is where women differ from men - if we find you mentally attractive, you become more physically attractive to us, typically.

And even if his wife isn't physically beautiful anymore, there must be things about her he still finds beautiful. Telling her she's beautiful because she has a beautiful soul or spirit isn't a lie.

I didn't mean to imply that ED was easy to treat. I'm not sure if that was meant for me. I only meant that he needs to talk to his doctor to rule out any physical causes, perhaps maybe his meds, and get some help for the anxiety (I didn't say meds, I said therapy).

If my husband had ED but wasn't addressing it, I might think he didn't care to because he wasn't interested in having sex with me. If he addressed it  - as in didn't avoid the topic, and still struggled, I'd be the most understanding partner possible. I never said take meds for it.
20620809 tn?1504362969
Your wife sounds a tad bit insecure.  But it is natural to feel a little responsible if someone can not maintain an erection with them.  I can understand that.  Do you do anything to take your mind off of things prior to intimacy with your spouse? Get a good fantasy going in your head?  I mean, let your mind relax and go where it goes.  And it does compound.  Nervous about lack of erection leading to more lack of erection.  Definitely that happens.  So, what about stress and anxiety?  Working on that in general may also make things better for you.  It sounds like you care for and want to be with your wife. great!!  And you care for her feelings.  The other option is to go to your doctor and invite her and talk about erectile dysfunction.  It's a condition!  It's not personal. And I agree with Auntjessie that other intimate things that make her feel sexy, adored and loved will go a LONG way in a long term relationship.
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Avatar universal
Well I have an answer for you I'm 68 3 months close to 69 and I had ED problems so I went to my urologist and he set me up on hormone replacement therapy so that's a shot of testosterone ,200 mgs once a week and so I take a 5mg pill of cialis every day and a 20mg pill of  Sildenafil a day too ,they don't really get me really hard unless I'm getting ready for sex so then I'll take another cialis and maybe another sildenafil or two but I'm rock hard after a couple of hours but the secret is to take the cialis every day plus you will need testosterone replacement therapy too and problem solved it's so easy I did this myself just by going online and looking , you need to go to your doctor and have blood work done to see your test level depending on your age I just had mine done I was over 1400 and my doctor freaked out but I felt good at that range my **** was hard as a rock every single morning and quite a few times during the day I felt like I was 18 but my doctor said it was to high and took me off it for the first time in 8 years so I can feel myself slowly declining until I do another blood test the first week in June then I'll be back in action but I had to do what my urologist wants me to do because he will shut me off but then theres always the black market stuff that's so awesome but it put's my test level into the Ozone . OK well I hope I've helped some of you guys because this is a really easy fix but the doctors make it look so difficult .. EASY FIX . yahoo ...
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1 Comments
I wouldn't do anything 'black market'.  I can understand for your sex life, wanting to have the excess testosterone but too high has a downside too.  Here's a recent line of thinking regarding too high testosterone and heart health being impacted (along with increased risks of stroke and blood clots).  https://www.webmd.com/men/news/20190307/high-testosterone-levels-bad-news-for-the-heart  

This link does say it can help blood pressure and less likely to have heart attacks with super high testosterone levels, but I would make sure you ask about this. You don't want to inadvertently put yourself in a heart health situation that makes whether or not you get a hard erection meaningless.  You know what I'm saying?  A lot of men get very revved up with too much testosterone. https://www.medicinenet.com/high_and_low_testosterone_levels_in_men/views.htm

Honestly, aggression and whatnot is an undesirable result of too much testosterone. So, finding the right balance is ideal. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/signs-of-high-testosterone  
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