I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that! Nobody deserves to go through sexual violence or abuse. Keep talking to therapists and counselors and except love and help from family and friends. It is also important to give yourself lots of time to recollect yourself and try to forget your experience. Most of all, remember that it was NOT your fault and that all your feelings about your rape are OK!!!
Time and forgiveness is vital your young and amazing finding trust and pleasure will only happen when you deside and finding someone that will love and empower u will be the healing end to this pain about the tragic violation u know about it will never be forgotten fully being victim is horrible and it changed you. You will probley struggle in finding compassion and empathy in life too just know the boundaries and limits to not become violent degrading or revengful by it If the ******* is unpunished and allowed you will never heal being the results of his violating sickness and be a threat always prosecution is a great healing getting justify and profound not a worthless crime
Violence Will attract violence against your and being abused and punished is that fetish roll A subconscious rape you will continue emotionless and used over I know I been struggling this 47 yrs .living alone and wiser ******* myself keeps me powerful and free No **** is worth the consequences or abuse . There's no recovery just therapy and not allowing it again I'm ruined for life being 9 yrs old really was violated for life
It won't be like this forever. I was raped at 20, and am much older than that now, but you need to give yourself some time.
If masturbation and sex brings back horrible memories, it just means you aren't ready, and maybe your therapy work isn't finished yet. That's okay - it doesn't mean you weren't successful in it. This is trauma, and it's tough stuff.
I don't want this to depress you, but this isn't something you "get over", but you get through. That means that it's never quite over. That's okay, too. I think it's important to know that, so that you can learn coping skills.
Give your therapist a call, or contact RAINN - https://www.rainn.org/
I swear it gets better, but give yourself some time and grace.
This fact says you haven't finished the work in therapy yet, I'm afraid, as you're still suffering from your PTSD. I'm also wondering why you focus on fantasies as the only way to get turned on. Most of us get turned on because we like the person we're having sex with. I get the fantasies while you masturbate, but if you are fantasizing when you're with someone you like that usually only happens when you've been, ahem, married for a long time. (inside joke for those of us who are old married folks). But at bottom, what you're describing are lingering feelings from the horrible thing that happened to you. I wouldn't expect you to suddenly feel all of it is gone forever. I would expect it to be a process. And I would also expect you to benefit from more therapy so you won't feel bad about it being hard for you to move past it. But you will.