I Want to Stop.

[Authorunknown]

First time blogger; Here goes:

I'm 32 years old and I have been masturbating for about 25 years now. I know it seems strange that I started playing with myself at age 7, but it's true. When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my neighbor/friend, who was two years older than me, would want to 'play games' and he would touch me and make me touch him. I didn't know any better. I went through high school and then college and into my adulthood. I suffer from depression and severe social anxiety. I never gave it much thought throughout the years until a few years ago when I started talking to a therapist. I never mentioned it to her, but the images just swam their way back into my head and I started making connections with my addiction to those moments when I was a child. This is my first time ever talking about this, except with my wife. She doesn't know I masturbate regularly, and I know I could tell if I had to. I am unemployed and home a lot by myself. Some days I can fight through the urges to touch myself. I tell myself 'No' and I go to the gym or find something else to do. I can go a few days without masturbating, and on those occassions I FEEL AMAZING. I'm energetic. Positive. My mind doesn't feel cloudy. I can think faster and I feel and look better. Then I jump off the wagon. My wife isn't very sexual in nature and doesn't have the same appetite as I do. So if we don't have relations for a few days, sometimes weeks, obviously I crave that sensation and I fail. Then I get into a habit of masturbating every day. Sometimes once, sometimes twice, sometimes three or four times. I feel guilty. I feel tired. I feel drained mentally and physically. I don't work out. I over eat. I get lathargic. It's amazing to me the physical and emotional differences in my behavior when I masturbate versus when I don't. It's quite fascinating. I already masturbated this morning. I fantasize about a friend. I felt sleezy afterwards. Then I decided to look for blogs such as this. I wanted to read and understand other people with the same ailment. I've always known it was a problem, but reading some of these posts has really inspired me to take action again, and really strive to make myself a better person for myself and for my wife. It's time to start living and stop blanketing my vice. As much as I crave that rush for orgasm and that relaxation afterwards, I would rather crave the energy and positive feeling of knowing that I can overcome this addiction. I want a new life for myself. I've never really known anything else. It's time to start taking control. I will come back on here for inspiration, like I did today, if I feel like I am falling again. Thank you to everyone who has shared their story - it isn't easy, even on  a blog.
It feels really good to 'talk' about it and to share a little about my story. For those of you who are in the same boat, what works for you in regards to teaching yourself or controlling yourself, controlling those insatiable urges? No pun intended, but it's hard. It's really hard to win those little battles every now and then. Thanks for reading. I look forward to any replies...

[Authorunknown]

Thanks for the reply.
  I actually started a tracker and journal yesterday after I posted this, and it helped give me that push to stay pro-active. I used to keep journals in high school, mainly for one of my classes, but I forgot how much it really helps to 'get it all out'. So far, since my post yesterday, I've been feeling really good about myself. I fought an urge earlier today and I'm proud of myself. It feels different this time because I know that I am really trying to  take the right steps instead of just quitting cold turkey. As for support groups, I will look into it. I am hesitant, but, like you said, what is worth more to me? Thanks for your help and support!

[Changingtohope]

I know this is tough.  Yes, it feels good, but ask yourself, do you feel better or worse afterwards.  It is worth it in the end?  If "masterbation" was a friend, is it worth it?  If not, you need to go into an addiction group if it's draining you and making you feel horrible about yourself. Your a man so it is normal to have a high sex drive.  But you're telling me it making your life miserable.  What do you do when something comes into your life that makes your life worse, not better?  Get rid of it.  Go to a support group with people who struggle just like you.  You can find ways to cope.  I would also suggest using an addiction tracker and journal what you are feeling at the time of your urge. Are you bored, are you antsy, are you depressed?  Track when it happens and what you're feeling.  You may be able to break your chain by replacing what is happening with a more healthy alternative.
I hope this helps.