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1605559 tn?1314796678

I feel bad about my thoughts about sex

First of all, let me state that I am a 39 year old male in a committed relationship.  This is the fact that makes me feel even guiltier about my thoughts but I feel I would solicit some advice on how to handle the problem before it becomes a major one.  

Let me try to give you a short, brief history.  At a young age, I married my high-school sweetheart, (the only woman I ever had sex with or even dated) had kids, lived the life for 11 years of marriage before issues caused a divorce.  Then, I was very, very fortunate to date A LOT and have sex A LOT more than I even imagined.  Sometimes I was fairly reckless to put it mildly.  I thought it would chalk it all up to experience.  Years after the divorce, I even became engaged again but it was a psychological roller coaster (her cheating and getting knocked up) that after we split, it was time to work on me.  I didn't date.  I didn't have sex.  All this for close to a year.  Then, I decided to go on Eharmony because I wanted a real relationship.  No bar scenes.  No meeting girls on Craigslist.  I wanted to look forward to a real future.  

My girlfriend is perfect in nearly every way except one - in the bedroom.  Now, granted she's become great at oral sex but she likes it missionary style - and quiet - all the time.  I have to restrain myself because I'm like -- ummmm, the opposite!  I like it loud, pulling hair, spanking, different positions, anal (depending on the situation), lots of foreplay, and to have an "experience".  So, no need to go on and on.  I think you get the picture.  My issue is that we are in a long-distance relationship (an hour and a half from each other).  I find myself masturbating at times to online porn (which I can control by the way - maybe once or twice a month - no big deal) but the problem is that I find myself fantasizing about "old behavior".  I'm not going to type out all my fantasies here because it's not the place but I met a girl on Craigslist one time that it was pretty much sex right off the bat.  (She was a cute BBW!)  After a couple of times, we got to where it was texting, "Can I come over?" then she would literally let me do ANYTHING to her - (just read between the lines folks).  BUT IT"S WRONG and I feel very sad and very conflicted about that.  If I talked to my girlfriend, even saying, "Hey, let's try THIS" - it would freak her out because she is very sweet and very reserved even though I LOVE her figure.  She has normal-size boobs, a slim figure, and a nice BIG rear end - practically the body I always wanted in a woman.  However, I literally fantasize all the time about her dressing up in a nurse's outfit and having anal sex with her .... she's actually that attractive that I've masturbated in the shower thinking about her - so how do I make those dirty fantasies in the shower come true before I do something stupid like answer a Craigslist ad?

Thank you for reading and for any input you may have.
3 Responses
209987 tn?1451939065
With women, the art of making love or having sex is more of a mental thing...with men it's mostly physical.

The best advice I can give you ( if you really want to keep this girl ) is to go slow.  Talk about it with her! Don't just up and start telling her everything, but rather bring it up slowly. While you're making love, try touching her in different ways. If she likes it she'll move her hips more...if she doesn't she'll  pull or push away.
Read her body language! THAT is KEY!  If she moans...you know she loves it.
In order for ANY relationship to work out, you need to talk about things. Cuddle up in bed with her favorite snack. Turn the tv on or play romantic music. Women love foreplay...which includes cuddling, talking, etc.

Maybe start the conversation with " I was reading a really interesting thing on the net today...it said that men and women are afraid to talk about what interests them when it comes to sex".
" Did you know that most women daydream of a man being rough with her".
Then watch and listen to her reaction to that.
If she seems distant, drop it for another day. If she responds with something like " Oh is that so?"  this gives you the chance to ask her what HER opinion is. You may be surprised.  Listen to her tone of voice too...if she seems angry or scared, drop it. If she answers with a chuckle or flirty sound to her voice, then proceed.
There's also the possibility that you are reading her wrong...maybe she really wants you to do those things...but she's too shy or reserved to bring it up.
Another good thing to try is a semi-porn. Don't go out a rent a hardcore porn...get something like The Runaways movie...there's a few little Lesbian type scenes in it...and if your gf squirms you know it's beyond her...if she cuddles a little closer than you know you're on the right track.
IF she cuddles up more, then try something heavier next time...the Heavy Metal movie ( assuming you both don't mind old music lol )...it doesn't have to be either of these movies, but something like them.
Sometimes " wall flowers" need help to blossom.
You'll be surprised what watching a romantic sex movie can accomplish.
Keep watching movies with these "themes" and see how far it goes each time. It may take a few weeks or months of watching these types of movies to see where she draws the line, but it may well be worth it.
Just be sure to READ THE SIGNS!  If she walks out of the room every time a sex scene comes on....you know she's not going to change. If she cuddles up, runs her finger along your chest, etc then you know she's thinking about stuff like that. Introduce her to more movies, and eventually you will know what she's willing to try and what she isn't.

Of course, you could speed things up a bit by asking if she would watch a porn with you...just make sure it's not a violent nasty thing, and make sure it has a very good story line behind it...women need that when trying to watch those types of movies.
But is she's as straight-laced as what you say, then that would be ill advised.

Another thing to try is: leave men's magazines around...not hustler...but health type or whatever...ones that have sex related articles in them. Leave them where she can see them, but not too obvious. lol
There are some " Music magazines"  that larger city music stores carry. They often carry articles in the last page or two devoted to sexual problems.  
Reader's Digest may have something for you as well.

Anyway...just some thoughts to help you start.



1605559 tn?1314796678
Very good stuff and I appreciate it very much!!  Reading your response made me think that she's open and she just doesn't know how to express it.  I know she has started reading Cosmo and she has also tried a few things like I notice new moves when she tries oral sex.  (I know you can't get too graphic on these forums.)  I just don't want her to think she's not good enough because she is - she's even dressed up a couple of times.  But, I feel as if I can't "go wild" like I really want to ......
209987 tn?1451939065
Give her time. Rent those movies. You'll both loosen up while watching them.
While watching them, it never hurts to point out what interests you...and ask her to do the same. When the movie is over ( or while it's still on ) you can act out what you just saw.

Safety words can be your best friend...tell her that you would like to try something new...tell her to yell out Banana or some other prearranged word when you do something she doesn't like.

If she's dressed up a few times then she's starting to open up...this is good.
Now use the dressing up to act out things.

And now for the TOY store.
IF you have one nearby, I suggest you take her there. Go to one that is set inside a mall or a shopping strip. Walk by it nonchalantly, and then pretend that it's a spontaneous thing to walk in...dragging her along.
Most of the people that work in those stores can spot the shy ones a mile away and will be very helpful to you.

If you want, I can tell you how hubby and I made the first step. lol
I was like your gf...I REALLY wanted to try something new...but I was afraid. I was afraid to talk about it too. I kept trying, but didn't know how to start. Hubby took the initiative, grabbed me, pulled my hair, scratched the daylights out of my back, said some stuff ( lol ) and voila!
Now we can say and do whatever.

You'll need to act soon though...otherwise you'll chicken out and end up on one of those sites...and single.

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