You think I don't know that, do not accuse me of a *********. I'm not some kind of pervert who sexually fantasizes with children, that's disgusting and immoral. God forbid me of ever considering anything so inconceivable and revolting. The emotion I get is physical/chemical not mentally, I don't truly wish to be with her in any way, as a matter of fact I dislike her an awful lot; she's conceited and abrasive. I blame the happily-ever-after fantasies I’ve ever had on the emotion. They work just like this example: when you feel a strong emotion like hatred towards a person, your mind in response makes you almost wish certain bad things to that person, but you don’t because you immediately shake those thoughts away— every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the emotions and the mind are that closely connected.
It is true that I can’t get rid of the emotion. I can suppress it, stifle it, but not make it disappear. I can, however, shut down the naive fantasies, just like a person full of resentment can stop her ill-wishes, but no matter what, her or his resentment will never leave, unless of course there’s reconciliation or a lot of time has passed for this person to mentally mature and forgive; it’s always a complicated and long process to get rid of a strong emotion.
But like I’ve said, I fight it back ‘cause I’m a sane person, I reason against it. I tell you, my problem is not in my reasoning but somewhere else. Of course I'm not normal, Of course I’m gonna seek help, but not to cure me of perverted thoughts ‘cause I don’t have these, but to rid of my intense feeling, maybe with some type of medication.
*One more thing, the age thing sounds indeed scary, but if you knew me you wouldn’t fear for this kid. My level of maturity has never catch up to my age due to a disorder I was born with. What I’m trying to say is that one of the things I lack that a normal person at my age would have, are sexual thoughts and desires. I haven’t even developed a personality, something that usually forms at the end of the teenage years. I still cry over a lost toy, for Christ sake. A great gift I would say I have is my analytical capacity, which I’d be screwed if I didn’t have.
I'm sorry to say this but...you sound exactly like a *********.
When you were 20 and she was SIX you developed a strange obsession with her. It's not normal for an adult to have these feelings toward a child.
You say it's impossible to stop these feelings...that's scary. Not only is she a child but she's your cousin!
For God's sake! Stop second guessing this and get yourself to a psychiatrist ASAP.
I'm turning 25 and she'll be 11 on April. Believe me, I'm not without shame, but I believe it’s not my fault. Maybe, I'm chemically unbalanced. If it were my fault, then these fantasies and desires would've started before the emotion, but that's not the case here, the emotion started first. And besides, I did mention that I've being battling against these fantasies, I don't even allow myself to linger on them, I shake them off the moment they come. Even the emotion itself – although ridding myself of it has proven to be rather difficult. Is like telling yourself to stop loving your relatives or stop loving cake, quite impossible.
Penswriter, your kids don't demand you to lay on them or to be their boyfriend! But that doesn’t matter anymore ‘cause I do agree with you in that she wasn't flirting. I guess kids can be weird sometimes, I don't give it much thought now. I do however still feel emotionally stirred around her, but I've become much better at suppressing my fantasies and desires.
I know there's something wrong with me. This ain't normal. But I don't consider myself a harm to this kid. I would never do anything perverted, nor have I ever acted on my emotions or ever will. I respect kids a lot because they are precious and innocent.
All I truly want is for these emotions to leave me because they hurt me so bad. Pretend for one second that you couldn't be with the one you love because the world and a thousand reasons prevented you from doing so, it hurts just like that. Only I don't think what I feel is truly love but some inexplicable passionate emotion, much like an obsession but coming from the heart; the fantasies and desires deriving as a result. Regardless, my reasoning has not being affected, which is why I’ve being able to battle them for so long. Anyhow, I just want the emotion gone ‘cause it hurts all the same.
i'm with erica. (and babies...or toddlers do NOT flirt. i know...i have two of my own) kids love hugs, kisses and reassurance from those they love and trust. my boys are always hugging and kissing me...why? because they love me not b/c they're flirting.
you definitely need to seek therapy before this escalates and you make a big mistake. not seeing her for a while may be in her best interest. think about the saftey of the child. that is what's important.
how old are you and how old is your cousin now?
I would seek therapy immediately. It sounds like you are being tempted everytime you see her which worries me, i think that you might need to distance yourself to prevent any type of problem.
this might be due to the lack of sexual intimacy you have experienced. SEEK THERAPY, it may sound stupid but you need to speak to a professional about this. it is going to be hard to find somebody other than a professional that will not judge you, because to be honest (not being mean) but i think your thoughts and feelings are consistant with insest and pedophilea. I am not trying to judge you i really hope you find help, but bare in mind that she might not be teasing you like you think she is, it might be your obsession with her playing with your mind. please for both of your sakes, stay away from each other. two lives can be ruined if something happens
In my opinion, you are not sick or abnormal or something. Most of your intense feelings can be related to intense emotional reactions etc. As for the strange intesity or (pseudo)-sexual feelings, dreams etc, it can be caused by sexual abstinence and by some kind of "sublimation" or "transformation" of your sexual needs which are not satisfied by having sex with men - you have mentioned that you are not interested in guys etc. If some sexual feelings (which you do not want to feel) disturb you or if you are disturbed by sexual contents of your dreams, I´d try masturbating from time to time in order to give vent to the sexual tensions which might have been accummulated.
for this part: "she has been kind of flirty with me since baby" with baby i meant around 3 years old