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Avatar universal

Is my inexperience a problem?

I’m a 35 yo straight female and a virgin. I come from a religious background and didn’t believe in sex before marriage for the longest time. This combined with sexual abuse at a young age has resulted in me ‘protecting’ myself from the opposite sex and I have not really dated either. I also need to have a strong connection with someone in order to be attracted to them.

I am now considering dating and am lost at where to start. I am worried that a lot of relationships at my age require sexual intimacy at an earlier stage of the relationship.

How much of an issue is my inexperience and how should I broach the subject as I try dating (through apps)?

I really feel like there is something wrong with me.
2 Responses
207091 tn?1337709493
There's nothing wrong with you at all. You grew up religious, have some trauma, and decided sex and relationships weren't for you at that time. That's okay.

There are many, many people - without religious or trauma backgrounds - who don't want to jump right into a physical relationship. There are various reasons - they want to protect themselves from STDs, they become emotionally invested when sex is involved, they want to make sure they don't get pregnant/get someone pregnant, or just don't want to have sex with someone they aren't yet sure will call the next day.

There will probably be people who will see your inexperience as an issue, and some who will find it a turn on, determined to be your first. Personally, I'd think neither of these men are your men, but that's just my opinion and you don't even know me lol. I think the best man will be the man who respects it just as much as if you'd told him you'd had a bunch of partners - he just likes you and that's all that matters.

I don't know if I'd put that you're a virgin in your profile. You may attract the weirdos. You can bring it up when you're comfortable - maybe after a few dates. You might put in your profile that you aren't a casual sex person, though, or that you're looking for something more meaningful (not that people generally read that).

I think when you bring it up, you should expect some strange questions (how could someone like YOU be a virgin?), but also use it as a chance to talk about STDs. You don't have to get into details about your dates past but it is good to know if they've ever been tested, and what, if any, STDs they have.

Have you ever heard of demisexuality? It's a sexuality where you only experience sexual attraction after you've made a strong bond or connection. https://www.healthline.com/health/demisexual This may or may not be you - I don't know. If it is, it may help you feel less like something is wrong with you. You may only be able to feel that as a trauma response - you need to trust someone first. Either is valid and okay, and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Sex is often better with feelings, so either way, it isn't a bad thing.

Have you had any counseling to help heal what happened to you as a child? I'd suggest doing that before diving into the dating pool, if you haven't already.

Dating can be really hard, awkward, annoying, and sometimes, really fun. Go into each date like you're going to meet a great new friend, and maybe get a good dinner out of it, not like "this man is going to be my husband!" You'll be more relaxed, and there will be a lot less pressure. Stay true to who you are, set your boundaries, hold firm to them, and always, always meet them in a public place.

We're here if you have questions, or if you want to share funny stories along the way. :)
Avatar universal
I agre, there is nothing wrong with you at all.  Please keep your virginity a secret from men (all men) until you fully trust them.  Hold on to tour values and wait until it feels right.  I wish you happiness and a life free of great regrets.  Always takw care of yourself, listen to your intuition, stay away from anyone who gives off bad vibes and say No to anything you don't want no matter what (if it's not yes, it's no).

If you're using apps, go for apps for people who are waiting until marriage or have good values.

Best wishes!
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