Aa
Lap Dancing a no no
So my partner has been told he needs his Passport for a stag do abroad this year - it's his brothers. Only they are going to be going to Lap Dancing clubs etc. The problem is I am against this sort of thing. --- Sexual stimulation by, and lust for, other women --- we've already had a major argument about it. I know I can't ask him to not to go because it's his brothers stag, but I just can't help but feel horrified by the prospect of my man having another woman dancing on his crotch. I can't accept that is a normal part of a relationship. Surely I am not alone in thinking it's like cheating. I'm also convinced that he would not say no, if offered a lap dance, because he has very little ability to tell people straight and say no!! So I'm left thinking that even though I want to look forward to a New Year, my man is going to be lusting over, and doing whatever, in some seedy club in some country, with other women, in a few months time, and I wont even know about it coz I can't be there. We haven't had sex in days - I'm quickly going off the idea, when the subject reminds me of what lays ahead.
What to do? Help
What to do? Help
You don't think telling me I am controlling is getting personal then?? You have said I am controlling on the basis of this post, like you know me. You are being a hypocrite!! You have given personal attacks towards me - calling me controlling, and I apparantly don't let my partner have any fun, again as though you know me.
I take on advice that is good advice. If it's negative that's ok. Advice that is backed up with reason and knowledge is good advice - positive or negative. Telling me my partner needs someone who will let him have fun is not advice just criticism. That I couldn't possibly allow him to have fun because I am against lap dancing. What sort advice is that??? Useless...
I take on advice that is good advice. If it's negative that's ok. Advice that is backed up with reason and knowledge is good advice - positive or negative. Telling me my partner needs someone who will let him have fun is not advice just criticism. That I couldn't possibly allow him to have fun because I am against lap dancing. What sort advice is that??? Useless...
You came on here looking for everyone to agree with you and when someone does not agree with you, you misread what is written and start with personal attacks.
You know nothing about me yet you make statements about me. You can on here looking for advise I did not seek you out to give you advice.
If you don't like what I have to say then ignor it. if you want to continue the discussion then fine and I will make it real simple for you to follow exactly what I said, but leave anything personal out about me since I have given you zero personal information about me.
You know nothing about me yet you make statements about me. You can on here looking for advise I did not seek you out to give you advice.
If you don't like what I have to say then ignor it. if you want to continue the discussion then fine and I will make it real simple for you to follow exactly what I said, but leave anything personal out about me since I have given you zero personal information about me.
You implied that he has no fun and he should find someone else who would be fun - and you based that on me not wanting him to have a lap dance.
How can you put not wearing make up and not going to lap dancing clubs in the same category? What a joke.
So does that mean if you ask your partner not to have sex with someone else, that is controlling them too? Is it controlling to tell your partner you are uncomfortable with something and tell them you are not happy with that something? Is it controlling to have an opinion!!!!??
You are clearly a doormat if this is how you've handled relationships - as you seem to think a person should have no say in a realtionship, if it goes against their partner - you say this is controlling them??!! It sounds like hopeless advice to me.
The thing is Vance, you clearly make too many generalisations in your ''advice'' -
Seeing naked women does not encourage affairs? Maybe, but,
Seeing naked women [dancing about 2 inches above your crotch] does not encourage affairs ?? Which is the context of my post anyway - I think DOES encourage affairs !!
How can you put not wearing make up and not going to lap dancing clubs in the same category? What a joke.
So does that mean if you ask your partner not to have sex with someone else, that is controlling them too? Is it controlling to tell your partner you are uncomfortable with something and tell them you are not happy with that something? Is it controlling to have an opinion!!!!??
You are clearly a doormat if this is how you've handled relationships - as you seem to think a person should have no say in a realtionship, if it goes against their partner - you say this is controlling them??!! It sounds like hopeless advice to me.
The thing is Vance, you clearly make too many generalisations in your ''advice'' -
Seeing naked women does not encourage affairs? Maybe, but,
Seeing naked women [dancing about 2 inches above your crotch] does not encourage affairs ?? Which is the context of my post anyway - I think DOES encourage affairs !!
Lif without lapdancing and strippers = misery ?? I have to disagree I'm afraid. I never said that nor did I even imply that.
''How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't do something?'' - I would reaspect that. Ok he told you not to wear any make up you would respect that and do that? That is what controlling is.
Seeing naked women does not encourage affairs.
''How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't do something?'' - I would reaspect that. Ok he told you not to wear any make up you would respect that and do that? That is what controlling is.
Seeing naked women does not encourage affairs.
He has plenty of fun, fun with me, without all that trash - he says he is over the moon with his sex life with me. Fun is NOT ALL about sleezy strip clubs - although with your last post, that is what you imply is the basis of all Fun - how silly to generalize like that about something which is not the case about having a fun life.
Lif without lapdancing and strippers = misery ?? I have to disagree I'm afraid.
When you have boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in a realtionship, if your partner truly loves you, he/she will respect those boundaries. He happens to tell me how happy he is to be loved the way I love him - I am not cruel or controlling, I merely think he should respect something that I would be truly hurt about happening.
I have acknowledged the fact that I feel I can't tell him not to go to his brother's stag, but it is a difficult position to be in - knowing I'm going to be so upset by it all when it happens - that's why I've posted this question.
There are many women who hate strip clubs - usually those in committed relationships, who believe in healthy, exclusive realionships, and they would say I am being reasonable to be against this. Enjoying unfamiliar naked women's bodies must encourage affairs and the seeking of sexual stimulation from other women besides your partner. I think that's wrong...
When I posted this question on the Relationships community a fellow female wrote:
''I agree with g27 gear and think that if you feel so strongly about something, he needs to consider that. I also think that lap dances are completely unacceptable and think you should talk to him. Don't tell him not to go, obviously, because it's his brother, but do make clear that he will get ABSOLUTELY NO LAP DANCES and make sure he agrees. There is no way you'll know if he lies to you so it's a matter of trust. Would his brother understand if he didn't go? I don't understand why those kind of parties need to end up at strip joints and places like that. That really upsets me. Good luck.''
''How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't do something?'' - I would reaspect that. Since if the roles were reversed and he asked me not to go to a male strip joint, I would respect that too. It's about boundaries. I wouldn't think he was controlling me.
Lif without lapdancing and strippers = misery ?? I have to disagree I'm afraid.
When you have boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in a realtionship, if your partner truly loves you, he/she will respect those boundaries. He happens to tell me how happy he is to be loved the way I love him - I am not cruel or controlling, I merely think he should respect something that I would be truly hurt about happening.
I have acknowledged the fact that I feel I can't tell him not to go to his brother's stag, but it is a difficult position to be in - knowing I'm going to be so upset by it all when it happens - that's why I've posted this question.
There are many women who hate strip clubs - usually those in committed relationships, who believe in healthy, exclusive realionships, and they would say I am being reasonable to be against this. Enjoying unfamiliar naked women's bodies must encourage affairs and the seeking of sexual stimulation from other women besides your partner. I think that's wrong...
When I posted this question on the Relationships community a fellow female wrote:
''I agree with g27 gear and think that if you feel so strongly about something, he needs to consider that. I also think that lap dances are completely unacceptable and think you should talk to him. Don't tell him not to go, obviously, because it's his brother, but do make clear that he will get ABSOLUTELY NO LAP DANCES and make sure he agrees. There is no way you'll know if he lies to you so it's a matter of trust. Would his brother understand if he didn't go? I don't understand why those kind of parties need to end up at strip joints and places like that. That really upsets me. Good luck.''
''How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't do something?'' - I would reaspect that. Since if the roles were reversed and he asked me not to go to a male strip joint, I would respect that too. It's about boundaries. I wouldn't think he was controlling me.
It does sound like you are possesive. He is going to his brothers bachelor party. How can you forbid him from doing that, it's his brother.
I hate to say this but you need to loosen up and let the kid have some fun. Because if you don't then he will find someone who will.
How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't do something? Doesn't matter what it is, but just the fact that he says no you can't do it. You are going to resent him and feel like he is controlling you.
This is coming from a guy who I said in my first post...doesn't like strip clubs or strippers but can go with friends and have a good time. Why not just ask him not to get a lap dance? If he has no backbone to tell a stripper no then he will have no backbone and never stand up to you and you will control him and maybe that is what you want.
I hate to say this but you need to loosen up and let the kid have some fun. Because if you don't then he will find someone who will.
How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't do something? Doesn't matter what it is, but just the fact that he says no you can't do it. You are going to resent him and feel like he is controlling you.
This is coming from a guy who I said in my first post...doesn't like strip clubs or strippers but can go with friends and have a good time. Why not just ask him not to get a lap dance? If he has no backbone to tell a stripper no then he will have no backbone and never stand up to you and you will control him and maybe that is what you want.
''The fact is, it's just a silly way of expressing the male ego by watching naked or semi-naked women dance. The "lap dance" is just an up-close and personal version.''
---- To me that is NOT acceptable. I have no interest in sharing my man with the trashy women at those clubs. He is very handsome (though I am not overly-possesive, don't get me wrong) - I fell for him the moment I first saw him/ met him. I'm sure they'd be very interested in performing on him. Regardless of 'no touching' I would never condone him looking at ''naked or semi-naked'' women dancing. Its a considerable insult to seek that sort of thing when you've got (what he says I am) a beautiful woman at home who is amazing in bed. The only woman he should be getting 'personal' with is me. Isn't it justifiable that if he is satisfied with the attention he has at home, to in return offer me the exclusivity of his sexual energy?
---- To me that is NOT acceptable. I have no interest in sharing my man with the trashy women at those clubs. He is very handsome (though I am not overly-possesive, don't get me wrong) - I fell for him the moment I first saw him/ met him. I'm sure they'd be very interested in performing on him. Regardless of 'no touching' I would never condone him looking at ''naked or semi-naked'' women dancing. Its a considerable insult to seek that sort of thing when you've got (what he says I am) a beautiful woman at home who is amazing in bed. The only woman he should be getting 'personal' with is me. Isn't it justifiable that if he is satisfied with the attention he has at home, to in return offer me the exclusivity of his sexual energy?
The bother is getting married in August. And he is the type to have visited lap dancer clubs before. My partner has told me before about the time his brother was ''lucky'' to have been selected for a lap dance by a gorgeous girl... I bit my lip from getting jealous about hearing that (especially since it was before my time with him) but it was still very obvious that there was a liking towards that lap dancing club, and what happened to his brother, and the fact his brother had been ''lucky'' to have been selected.
I have struggled with the idea especially as -
1. I've heard this story from him (above) which I didn't like the sound of.
2. He obviously isn't against lap dancing (since he has been before)
3. I'm not sure I fully trust him to say 'no' to the lap dancers, he's too soft - wouldn't be a bad-sport and spoil the party.
4. He has said ''I wont go then!'', crossly, to get away from me having a go about the issue - it's not because he respects my feelings just wants me to leave him alone about it.
Although ultimately it looks like he will be going as he hasn't even had the courage to tell his brother what's wrong. So his brother thinks he's coming.
I have struggled with the idea especially as -
1. I've heard this story from him (above) which I didn't like the sound of.
2. He obviously isn't against lap dancing (since he has been before)
3. I'm not sure I fully trust him to say 'no' to the lap dancers, he's too soft - wouldn't be a bad-sport and spoil the party.
4. He has said ''I wont go then!'', crossly, to get away from me having a go about the issue - it's not because he respects my feelings just wants me to leave him alone about it.
Although ultimately it looks like he will be going as he hasn't even had the courage to tell his brother what's wrong. So his brother thinks he's coming.
What is the reason for the brother's "stag do"? Is he getting married and this is some kind of male-bonding ritual or what? While I am male and would probably jump through a plate glass window to see an attractive woman's bare derriere, your husband's trip is not necessary and is detrimental, especially since you two have been arguing already about such things. Of course, in the various media, sex is unavoidable as it is used to sell and promote things, but once two people are married, the stag and girlie shows should not be booked by one partner. The sexual stimulation should come at home. Now, if the two of you want to go see a sexy play, ballet, x-rated movie, dance show, or go swimming in a hot tub or at thong beach, and so on, that is quite alright, if you're both involved. But right now, I would like to see the two of you sit down for a good conversation about his single-mindedness as opposed to marriage-mindedness, and if that doesn't work out, then pro marriage counseling would be in order.
I couldn't have said it better, sammy. Kate, I think you might have misconceptions about what goes on at these places, assuming you've never been to one. There is NO CONTACT involved. It's not allowed. In fact, if he did attempt to make contact he'd be bounced out of the place.
Many women feel that the stag party is a barbaric male ritual and might have visions of their man wrestling around on a stage with naked women while surrounded by a herd of hollering, horny guys. The fact is, it's just a silly way of expressing the male ego by watching naked or semi-naked women dance. The "lap dance" is just an up-close and personal version. No touching is allowed.
If you're secure in your relationship and trust him you have nothing to worry about. If not, you should be worrying regardless of whether or not he goes.
Many women feel that the stag party is a barbaric male ritual and might have visions of their man wrestling around on a stage with naked women while surrounded by a herd of hollering, horny guys. The fact is, it's just a silly way of expressing the male ego by watching naked or semi-naked women dance. The "lap dance" is just an up-close and personal version. No touching is allowed.
If you're secure in your relationship and trust him you have nothing to worry about. If not, you should be worrying regardless of whether or not he goes.
I guess there are different opinions on this. My opinion is that it should be OK for him to go to this strip club. Various reasons:
1. He's not doing anything behind your back. He's not lying, he's not sneaking off anywhere without telling you, he's not pretending about anything, he's being totally honest about what'll be happening.
2. All men get stimulated by women around them. Whether it's checking out a girl in a tight T-shirt walking down the street, or reading a magazine like FHM, or going to Hooters, we enjoy looking at the bodies of attractive women. It doesn't mean we think anything less of our partners, or that we have any intention or even any desire to cheat on our partners. We just enjoy the visual stimulation. Some women understand this better than others, and the husbands/boyfriends of those who don't get it either get good at hiding it or find themselves in constant trouble. OK, a strip club is going rather further than checking out a girl walking down the street - the girls are there to be ogled, and there's a lot more of them on show, but it's still just visual stimulation.
3. It's not even like your man is deliberately out looking to be stimulated by another girl. He's going because it's his brothers stag do. Yeah, I'm sure he'll have fun, but it's not like it was his decision to go.
4. If you keep making a big deal out of this, whichever way it goes, it'll cause problems. If he ends up not going, he'll resent you for guilting him into not going with his brother, and it'll probably cause bad feeling between him and his brother which he'll blame you for. If he does go and tells you he went, you'll be upset and angry at him for not doing what you asked him to. If he goes but lies to you and tells you he didn't go to the club, well, that's a lie between the two of you and that's not a good thing. Better that he should be able to go with your blessing and be honest with you about it, than that he goes anyway and lies.
5. It's a lot to ask someone, not to go along to his brothers' stag do, and take part in all of it. Is this a big enough deal to ask that much of him?
6. If you can treat him as an independent grown-up, able to make his own decisions about where he goes and what he does, and show that you trust him implicitly to make his own decisions about what is and is not appropriate, and you'll respect those decisions, he'll think more of you.
If he does go, and he goes with your blessing, you can be damned sure he'll be missing you while he's away. Probably not while he's at the club, but when he goes to bed he'll still be feeling hot, and it'll be you he wishes was with him to share that with.
1. He's not doing anything behind your back. He's not lying, he's not sneaking off anywhere without telling you, he's not pretending about anything, he's being totally honest about what'll be happening.
2. All men get stimulated by women around them. Whether it's checking out a girl in a tight T-shirt walking down the street, or reading a magazine like FHM, or going to Hooters, we enjoy looking at the bodies of attractive women. It doesn't mean we think anything less of our partners, or that we have any intention or even any desire to cheat on our partners. We just enjoy the visual stimulation. Some women understand this better than others, and the husbands/boyfriends of those who don't get it either get good at hiding it or find themselves in constant trouble. OK, a strip club is going rather further than checking out a girl walking down the street - the girls are there to be ogled, and there's a lot more of them on show, but it's still just visual stimulation.
3. It's not even like your man is deliberately out looking to be stimulated by another girl. He's going because it's his brothers stag do. Yeah, I'm sure he'll have fun, but it's not like it was his decision to go.
4. If you keep making a big deal out of this, whichever way it goes, it'll cause problems. If he ends up not going, he'll resent you for guilting him into not going with his brother, and it'll probably cause bad feeling between him and his brother which he'll blame you for. If he does go and tells you he went, you'll be upset and angry at him for not doing what you asked him to. If he goes but lies to you and tells you he didn't go to the club, well, that's a lie between the two of you and that's not a good thing. Better that he should be able to go with your blessing and be honest with you about it, than that he goes anyway and lies.
5. It's a lot to ask someone, not to go along to his brothers' stag do, and take part in all of it. Is this a big enough deal to ask that much of him?
6. If you can treat him as an independent grown-up, able to make his own decisions about where he goes and what he does, and show that you trust him implicitly to make his own decisions about what is and is not appropriate, and you'll respect those decisions, he'll think more of you.
If he does go, and he goes with your blessing, you can be damned sure he'll be missing you while he's away. Probably not while he's at the club, but when he goes to bed he'll still be feeling hot, and it'll be you he wishes was with him to share that with.
This is really up to you and your boyfriend to figure it out. I do not like strippers but I don't believe going to a strip club is cheating. You have to figure out what is best for you and if you don't want him getting a lap dance then just say no. But in doing so you have to remember that it may drive a wedge between you two.
If you both love each other then it is something where you should not be worried about it and if you ask him not to get a lap dance he should respect your wishes.
If you both love each other then it is something where you should not be worried about it and if you ask him not to get a lap dance he should respect your wishes.
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