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List of HOCD questions... I really need help.
Hello.
I am 17 years old and I have HOCD, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, ever since it kicked in about 8 months ago, I've been driven to near insanity on the ever-burning question inside of me: WHAT IS MY SEXUALITY? At first, I was concerned whether or not I was gay, (and believe me when I say, I am a straight man.), but now I become so tired of asking the same questions now that I really have begun to not care whether or not I'm gay or straight, but rather just being on the fence about it just really bothers me... it's like a puzzle piece is missing in me, like I'm not so sure who I am anymore. I have been fighting my HOCD for so long now that I am beginning to forget which side is which.
After a while of this kind of questioning whether or not I'm gay, I started to test myself by imagining the most disgusting gay sex I could imagine while staring directly at my privates. So far, after these 8 months, I have jerked off to gay stuff, and unfortunately ejaculated. but my spirits were kept up when I realized that was only because I was touching myself and not because I was attracted to those thoughts. so I just stared at my ****. and you know what? it shrunk! until a month ago, when I got a boner for a guy blowing his load in another guys mouth, but I still tested to the same thing and it shrunk again. so my questions are these for this subject: If it grew once for it, after all those times of it shrinking, could this mean that I am going through what could be called a "gay phase"? could it be shrinking for other reasons?
Also, before you assume that I might be gay, hear me out please. Ever since I could remember as a child, I LOVED girls. I fell so deeply in love with them and I would obsess over how I would approach them, and get goosebumps just thinking about a life together with these women I fell in love with. I even asked one of my gay friends whether or not he has ever fallen in love with a girl and he didn't. it felt totally platonic to him. To me, those girls made me feel so... alive. but ever since my HOCD kicked in, I've been questioning my sexuality constantly. doing these "tests" constantly. It has interfered with my way of life, and has made me afraid to get to close to my friends for fear of falling in love with them.
Listed below are questions I have come up with for the past few days. please... I need help answering them.
Can someone go through a "gay phase"?
Recently my "tests" came out positive for gayness, after months of them coming back negative. If I was gay, this would've happened every time since I started testing. how can this be?
If one thinks gay thoughts enough, is that enough to convince somebody that they're gay?
Can someone be turned on by men and still be attracted to women? (ie. a gay porn fetish)
With my testing, am I convincing myself that I am gay, even though I'm not?
Why don't repetitive thoughts have meaning?
Can one classically condition themselves, (psychology term, Pavlov), to be aroused by the same sex via testing?
I had a dream in which a man in a relationship with a woman secretly yearned to be in a relationship with a man he knew. Does this mean anything to me? Am I this man?
Could my shrinkage in my tests be for any other reason other than me being turned off by gay things?
What is it like to be in denial? Am I rejecting my sexuality by labeling it with HOCD?
Is it possible to desensitize oneself to homosexuality, and possibly defer to it?
I am 17 years old and I have HOCD, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, ever since it kicked in about 8 months ago, I've been driven to near insanity on the ever-burning question inside of me: WHAT IS MY SEXUALITY? At first, I was concerned whether or not I was gay, (and believe me when I say, I am a straight man.), but now I become so tired of asking the same questions now that I really have begun to not care whether or not I'm gay or straight, but rather just being on the fence about it just really bothers me... it's like a puzzle piece is missing in me, like I'm not so sure who I am anymore. I have been fighting my HOCD for so long now that I am beginning to forget which side is which.
After a while of this kind of questioning whether or not I'm gay, I started to test myself by imagining the most disgusting gay sex I could imagine while staring directly at my privates. So far, after these 8 months, I have jerked off to gay stuff, and unfortunately ejaculated. but my spirits were kept up when I realized that was only because I was touching myself and not because I was attracted to those thoughts. so I just stared at my ****. and you know what? it shrunk! until a month ago, when I got a boner for a guy blowing his load in another guys mouth, but I still tested to the same thing and it shrunk again. so my questions are these for this subject: If it grew once for it, after all those times of it shrinking, could this mean that I am going through what could be called a "gay phase"? could it be shrinking for other reasons?
Also, before you assume that I might be gay, hear me out please. Ever since I could remember as a child, I LOVED girls. I fell so deeply in love with them and I would obsess over how I would approach them, and get goosebumps just thinking about a life together with these women I fell in love with. I even asked one of my gay friends whether or not he has ever fallen in love with a girl and he didn't. it felt totally platonic to him. To me, those girls made me feel so... alive. but ever since my HOCD kicked in, I've been questioning my sexuality constantly. doing these "tests" constantly. It has interfered with my way of life, and has made me afraid to get to close to my friends for fear of falling in love with them.
Listed below are questions I have come up with for the past few days. please... I need help answering them.
Can someone go through a "gay phase"?
Recently my "tests" came out positive for gayness, after months of them coming back negative. If I was gay, this would've happened every time since I started testing. how can this be?
If one thinks gay thoughts enough, is that enough to convince somebody that they're gay?
Can someone be turned on by men and still be attracted to women? (ie. a gay porn fetish)
With my testing, am I convincing myself that I am gay, even though I'm not?
Why don't repetitive thoughts have meaning?
Can one classically condition themselves, (psychology term, Pavlov), to be aroused by the same sex via testing?
I had a dream in which a man in a relationship with a woman secretly yearned to be in a relationship with a man he knew. Does this mean anything to me? Am I this man?
Could my shrinkage in my tests be for any other reason other than me being turned off by gay things?
What is it like to be in denial? Am I rejecting my sexuality by labeling it with HOCD?
Is it possible to desensitize oneself to homosexuality, and possibly defer to it?
listen alphard you can let yourself go and *** off seeing animals having sex. gay people know 100% they are gay, they know going through puberty, i had HOCD for 4 days striaght its the worst thing in the world. its starting to calm down a bit for me but hey mind over matter seek help its the best thing u can do. I never thought i was going to get a boner off a girl ever again but guess what i literally just finished up with my girlfriend that has been supporting me this whole time. I feel your pain one day i walked 20 miles just thinking being afraid. i get something like that every year. one year i thought i had cancer and looking up symptoms i finally punked myself finding a swollen lolymph in my armpit and started looking at people saying would you go to my funeral, would you go to my funeral and so. My hocd was more about having sex, i would look at guys and be like wouldnt u want to have sex if a girl were to give you head right now, me thinking for them they would obv say yes, but with my ocd that still needs help, i lost interest in sex altogether. GOT IT BACK UP TODAY all in the head. Find it in your heart and you will come through, but damn letting yourself go to that gay porn may of made it a bit harder. stay strong my friend. it will pass
now that I think about it, that gay guys article didn't really answer any of my questions.
ok, thank you very very much. It's just my heart and my head have been fighting each other for so long that I'm starting to forget which voice is which.
You arent gay, i know this because i went through what you are going through. I was totally normal until the day an ex g/f and i were getting it on in bed and she said really mean stuff about my performance. I started avoiding her, and then wondering why I would avoid such a beautiful woman.
Next thing you know, i am asking myself if i was gay. No, i knew i wasnt. But by now i couldnt get it up and had panic attacks due to the anxiety. I googled this stuff and found a website with forums about this. A gay guy wrote in and explainted it in a way that made sense. Try reading this, it saved me. But lets face it, you have an OCD, it wont ever go away, but you can control it so that it does not bother you anymore.
good luck with this dude, i really know what you are going through, it ***** worse than anything, and i know you are going to be just fine and i know you arent gay.
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
Next thing you know, i am asking myself if i was gay. No, i knew i wasnt. But by now i couldnt get it up and had panic attacks due to the anxiety. I googled this stuff and found a website with forums about this. A gay guy wrote in and explainted it in a way that made sense. Try reading this, it saved me. But lets face it, you have an OCD, it wont ever go away, but you can control it so that it does not bother you anymore.
good luck with this dude, i really know what you are going through, it ***** worse than anything, and i know you are going to be just fine and i know you arent gay.
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
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