Loss of sex drive

[stoicman86]

Hello, I'm Dana and I'm a 26 year old male.  For the past year and a half I've had basically no sex drive.  I do believe it's a psychological problem and haven't really sought any help for it.  I got into my first and only relationship in early August 2010 with a girl I met through a co-worker.  We fell hard and fast for each other and she was very beautiful and I loved being physical and having sex with her.  I had always preferred the idea of "making love" over so-called "f*cking."  Was never into the idea of casual sex or one-nighters, cheating, etc, but had no issue with pre-marital sex.  A few months after we started seeing each other, she donated a kidney to her brother.  A week or so after the surgery she suddenly, and without explanation, ended the relationship via text message.  Didn't get to see her face or hear her voice again, didn't get to say goodbye to her or anything.  Since then I have become a very different person.  I started delving into self loathing, accompanied by a new found taste for heavy, angry music (bands like Meshuggah, The Acacia Strain, Machine Head, etc.) I quickly became very misogynistic as well and hated even hearing female voices and still more or less do.  The thought of sexuality disgusts me pretty much in general.  I don't even remember the last time I had an erection last for more than a few minutes, and the last time I "came" was during sex with her.  I also stopped taking care of myself on a daily basis.  I stopped shaving and getting haircuts.  I will regularly skip taking a shower, sometimes for a few days.  I barely brush my teeth and will wear the same clothes for days at a time.  (note: i work at a salvage yard where I don't have to necessarily worry about such things.)  I rarely smile or laugh anymore and do very little talking.  My friends and family are concerned for me on and off.  I know I don't genuinely hate women.  I still have some life-long female friends who I socialize with on a somewhat regular basis.  Any time I'm around any strange female, though, I become very anxious and feel the need to get away from her.  Any time I've tried to imagine myself starting a future relationship with someone, my first feelings are deep shame and embarrassment, followed by sadness/depression.  I go through regular bouts of depression.  I'm not really sure why something as simple as a breakup was so hard on me or why the residual effects have stuck with me for so long.  I just know I feel like almost a complete stranger to myself anymore.  Should I swallow my pride and just see a therapist?  I've gone to great lengths for going on 2 years to convince myself that relationships, sex, reproduction, starting a family, etc, are simply just side effects of long term brainwashing.  I just don't know what sort of benefits, if any, a therapist is going to be able to provide.  Just looking for some input.  Anyone else ever feel like this for as long a duration as I have?  Am I going insane?

[Morphman]

   I don't think you are going insane at all. I think what you are experiencing is almost similar to withdrawal symptoms when you go through de-tox, only the drug that you are withdrawing from is called LOVE. You say in your post that you fell heavy and hard for this woman in your life. You probably felt that your world would end if you weren't around her and you would do anything for this woman because you loved her very much and were deeply and passionately in love with her. And then when she suddenly,without warning ,ended that relationship, your world did,indeed,fall apart.

   I recall a time when I had divorced my ex-wife of seven years. When I first met her,she was all I could think of, we dated a lot and both of us couldn't stand to be apart from each other for long periods of time. We eventually got married,but soon after found ourselves arguing a lot and finally we called it quits after seven years. After the divorce, I moved in with my Mom and Step Dad and went through a very deep depression where I would cry myself to sleep and I started to not care about my looks or my health. I started spending impulsively on things I didn't need or want, I started driving my car recklessly on the way home from work, I'd start arguing with my siblings for no reason...I was horrible. I was more angry at myself for not turning out to be the man she wanted me to be: Loving,caring,passionate. I was too young and hadn't really lived my life before I settled down.

   If it would help you put your own mind at ease,perhaps you should seek counseling. Some people think that seeing a therapist  or a head shrink is a sign of weakness and lack of fortitude to suck it up and move on with your life. Some men can do that with ease, others are not so fortunate. It's not a sign of weakness or loss of pride to seek professional help. It's a sign of that you are broken and need to be fixed up,just like if you broke your arm or leg...would you NOT seek a doctor to fix that? You are emotionally broken and you need a therapist to help you put the pieces back together.

[love_a_challenge]

I agree with remar. You sound like you were heavily in love with this woman and you feel like no other woman can replace her. What you need to do is write down all the things you didn't like about your relationship and you'll be surprised of all the negative stuff in your relationship. Those negatives will help you to move on and find something better. This is how I got over my ex. I was in love with her and couldn't believe we were no longer together. So I decided to write down the pros and cons of our relationship. Once I read all of the cons I felt like she did me a favor in a sense by leaving me. But in order for me to get over her I have to find someone who I feel can make me feel MORE completely happy than when I was with her. I suggest you do the same.

[remar]

You were in love with this girl and you had no closure when she broke up with you. No wonder your feeling depressed. Maybe if you had answer as to why she did this you might feel better. That may never happen though. I do think therapy is a great idea to help you deal with this and get over the depression. It's sure worth a try.