You said you've been to "couples counseling" was that with a sex therapist?
Have you told your wife "my ego, that I am starting to have trouble being intimate with my wife, and when she starts to read stories or pulls the vibrator out, I can feel the interest drain from me, cheeks get red, and quite honestly, I want to cry. I feel like I might as well not even be there, and have several times seriously considered just getting up and leaving and telling her to masturbate"? If you haven't then tell her your feelings. I love watching my wife masturbate!
That's me, not you!
Couples counseling wasn't with a sex therapist, but the issue was covered in painful detail.
I have told her, and that's probably why she tries to hide the masturbating from me. In the past couple of days, after another recent discussion, we have done it twice without her stories or vibrator... but this is typical after I express my feelings. In a few more days, if history repeats itself, it will go back to "business as usual". We'll have sex about once a week, always at night, in the bed, lights off, 95% of time with vibrator and stories without her so much as looking at me, saying my name, etc. Last time we did this, night before I spoke with her about it, I couldn't stay hard (which didn't make a difference).
From a woman's standpoint...
Many women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. I don't know the exact percentage, but i believe it's very high around 80%. So if she needs to help herself achieve this, it's completely NORMAL.
I get the feeling that you want her to be more into YOU while you are having sex. I don't say that in a negative way, because honestly... Who doesn't want that!?
Maybe you could try a few things... Sounds like you are a fairly gentle man, so why don't you whisper in her ear and tell her you love her, I'm sure she will tell you back. Whisper to her how you want to hear her call your name. If that's not something you feel comfortable with, try being yourself. When she pulls out the vibrator, say, honey, I want to make you feel BETTER than that could EVER make you feel.
But really, you need to do what is comfortable to you.
As I said, I fully understand she needs the stimulation. I have done oral, fingers, rubbing myself on it, to get her to orgasm before, as well as her on top. I LOVE THIS! I just want either even, or more often than not, it's ME being part of the pleasure.
Yes, whenever we have "sex" this way, I feel like I could swap myself with a warm dildo and she just might not notice. Whenever I do try to become part of it, I get short shrift "uh huh", or get completely ignored (which is EXTREMELY hard to take).
This came to a head several days ago (almost a week?).. I told her how I felt. Her response over the next 24-48 hours was to constantly discuss how I didn't want her to get things "her way" - despite the fact that a vast majority of the time our sex is exactly the same: on our sides, her reading sex stories online, using a vibrator. No eye contact, no touching from her. After our spat, we went a couple days where I could barely bring myself to look at her without feeling sick to my stomach, and was very sad.
After this, she started doing what she normally does whenever we argue/fight about sex. She's been amazingly into me, and "wanting" sex... and then masturbating when I leave for work (I work nights). This is despite telling me many times that 1 orgasm per day is all she can take due to sensitivity. Normally, this "surge" we'll call it lasts about 5days to a week... after which she will bring out her "real" partner... but this time I'm not sure if I can perform when she does... it is far worse than ever before. I intend on seeking professional counseling because of the dark path many of my thoughts have taken me down.
I know, based on reactions to things in the past, that if I was masturbating daily (or at all really), and she was denied even ONE session, there would be emotional hell to pay (I don't love her, she's ugly, etc etc). I suppose this is the difficult part to bear: the fact that if the roles were reversed there would be no silent pain, no tip toeing the issue to avoid being overbearing.
I have to say, I comletely agree with you. It sounds like what you're asking from your wife is intimacy, and she's not willing to address your needs, only hers.
I confronted her recently, and since then it's gone downhill farther. She made a dramatic display of throwing away one of her toys (the one used so much it's worn spots off - but there are more). Since then, other than a few kisses, no intimacy whatsoever. She says she doesn't "know what to do". I don't understand how it's not obvious I need her to show me she actually has some desire for me. I feel like the roomate that pays the bills.
This is all extremely difficult for me. Compounding the issue are that my first wife cheated on my multiple times before leaving me to become a lesbian; and that my wife is ridiculously attractive and I'm... well... just a regular guy.