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Married Sex Life - Vibrators

Please read entire Question before rushing to judgement.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years.  Throughout this time, I would say we have been more sexually active than most couples (at least that I've known/spoken to).  We are fairly adventurous with different types and styles of sex, on the whole.  
Throughout those times, however, I have had issues with my wife masturbating.  Here's the rub:  on the whole, I don't have a problem with my wife masturbating.  Previously, the issues stemmed from a lack of sex (or intimacy at all) between us, but frequent masturbation.  I woudl say it has been several years since that was the case.  The recent issues have been over a steady decline in the variety of our sex life.  About 1 in 20 times is something different, with the other times being effectively her masturbating with me having intercourse with her (based on knowledge or her masturbating habits, reading stories and using a vibe).  She does have an orgasm during intercourse (riding), I'm fairly certain it is not faking as it is identical to that produced from using the vibrator.
Now, reading through the forums here, I'll say I am reluctant to post this, as the usual comments to an upset husband are rather demeaning.  I am not a controlling husband (my wife definitely wears the pants), but I certainly have a fragile ego.  So fragile is my ego, that I am starting to have trouble being intimate with my wife, and when she starts to read stories or pulls the vibrator out, I can feel the interest drain from me, cheeks get red, and quite honestly, I want to cry.  I feel like I might as well not even be there, and have several times seriously considered just getting up and leaving and telling her to masturbate.  
In addition, she is also masturbating on the side, and attempting to hide it.  I fully understand the mechanics behind the anatomy of my wife.  That does not help the useless, empty feeling I get when thinking about sex now.  I feel that if something doesn't change, I won't be able to even have sex with her - and feel this would be no big deal to her.
We've been to couples counseling (several times) and covered this issue to no avail.  
I know I've spoken to many women in the opposite situation:  their man doesn't seem interested in sex with them, but masturbates to porn.. they get sympathy.  I get the "controlling, egotistical, incompassionate, know-nothing man" look from the few people I've spoken too.  
I don't know what to do to turn around my thought pattern.

Help.  And please be gentle...
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Avatar universal
You said you've been to "couples counseling" was that with a sex therapist?
Have you told your wife "my ego, that I am starting to have trouble being intimate with my wife, and when she starts to read stories or pulls the vibrator out, I can feel the interest drain from me, cheeks get red, and quite honestly, I want to cry.  I feel like I might as well not even be there, and have several times seriously considered just getting up and leaving and telling her to masturbate"? If you haven't then tell her your feelings. I love watching my wife masturbate!
That's me, not you!
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Avatar universal
Couples counseling wasn't with a sex therapist, but the issue was covered in painful detail.

I have told her, and that's probably why she tries to hide the masturbating from me.  In the past couple of days, after another recent discussion, we have done it twice without her stories or vibrator... but this is typical after I express my feelings.  In a few more days, if history repeats itself, it will go back to "business as usual".  We'll have sex about once a week, always at night, in the bed, lights off, 95% of time with vibrator and stories without her so much as looking at me, saying my name, etc.  Last time we did this, night before I spoke with her about it, I couldn't stay hard (which didn't make a difference).
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Avatar universal
From a woman's standpoint...

Many women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. I don't know the exact percentage, but i believe it's very high around 80%. So if she needs to help herself achieve this, it's completely NORMAL.

I get the feeling that you want her to be more into YOU while you are having sex. I don't say that in a negative way, because honestly... Who doesn't want that!?

Maybe you could try a few things... Sounds like you are a fairly gentle man, so why don't you whisper in her ear and tell her you love her, I'm sure she will tell you back. Whisper to her how you want to hear her call your name. If that's not something you feel comfortable with, try being yourself. When she pulls out the vibrator, say, honey, I want to make you feel BETTER than that could EVER make you feel.

But really, you need to do what is comfortable to you.
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Avatar universal
As I said, I fully understand she needs the stimulation.  I have done oral, fingers, rubbing myself on it, to get her to orgasm before, as well as her on top.  I LOVE THIS!  I just want either even, or more often than not, it's ME being part of the pleasure.  

Yes, whenever we have "sex" this way, I feel like I could swap myself with a warm dildo and she just might not notice.  Whenever I do try to become part of it, I get short shrift "uh huh", or get completely ignored (which is EXTREMELY hard to take).

This came to a head several days ago (almost a week?).. I told her how I felt.  Her response over the next 24-48 hours was to constantly discuss how I didn't want her to get things "her way" - despite the fact that a vast majority of the time our sex is exactly the same:  on our sides, her reading sex stories online, using a vibrator.  No eye contact, no touching from her.  After our spat, we went a couple days where I could barely bring myself to look at her without feeling sick to my stomach, and was very sad.  

After this, she started doing what she normally does whenever we argue/fight about sex.  She's been amazingly into me, and "wanting" sex...  and then masturbating when I leave for work (I work nights).  This is despite telling me many times that 1 orgasm per day is all she can take due to sensitivity.  Normally, this "surge" we'll call it lasts about 5days to a week... after which she will bring out her "real" partner... but this time I'm not sure if I can perform when she does... it is far worse than ever before.  I intend on seeking professional counseling because of the dark path many of my thoughts have taken me down.

I know, based on reactions to things in the past, that if I was masturbating daily (or at all really), and she was denied even ONE session, there would be emotional hell to pay (I don't love her, she's ugly, etc etc).  I suppose this is the difficult part to bear: the fact that if the roles were reversed there would be no silent pain, no tip toeing the issue to avoid being overbearing.  
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Avatar universal
I have to say, I comletely agree with you.  It sounds like what you're asking from your wife is intimacy, and she's not willing to address your needs, only hers.  
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Avatar universal
I confronted her recently, and since then it's gone downhill farther.  She made a dramatic display of throwing away one of her toys (the one used so much it's worn spots off - but there are more).  Since then, other than a few kisses, no intimacy whatsoever.  She says she doesn't "know what to do".  I don't understand how it's not obvious I need her to show me she actually has some desire for me.  I feel like the roomate that pays the bills.  

This is all extremely difficult for me.  Compounding the issue are that my first wife cheated on my multiple times before leaving me to become a lesbian; and that my wife is ridiculously attractive and I'm... well... just a regular guy.
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