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Men Sexual Health???

I'm 26 years old and finally met this amazing man at work.  We're together almost every day of the week outside of work, spend at least half of the nights out of the week together, are interested in alot of the same things, always have a good time and laugh alot together and I have never clique so well with any man my entire life.  He's damn near perfect for me EXCEPT in the bedroom.  

We sleep in the same bed all the time, we started making out and touching each other about a month and a half ago.  I've masterbated him twice, once to the point where he came and he's done the same for me but I couldn't come from it.  I started to ask for him to preform oral on me when we would be in a makeout session and we would already be fondling each other, etc.  He turned it down both times and once I was on top of him and we were grinding and making out and I positioned myself to sit on his face and he started kissing the inside of my thighs and getting closer but then suddenly said that the position was not good for him and he was having trouble breathing (he has been really sick with congestion for the past two months or so) so I said fine and moved back to sit on top of him with my legs spread wide open and I told him we can try it in another position if face sitting was uncomfortable to him and again he turned me down.  

Last weekend, we had sex or tried to for the first time, I was on top of him and we were naked, making out and jerking each other off a bit and I just got into the riding position and put his **** inside of me and started riding him different ways in which he kept slipping out and lost his erection three times.  After the third time he told me "it's not gonna work babe, he's just gonna go to sleep again"  I was disappointed but I just cuddled with him and told him we can try again some other time.  

The next morning we made plans to go out for breakfast and I texted him a flirty message before I got there basically saying how I would show up early so we could finish what we started the other night and told him how bad I wanted to **** him and he got flirty back and said he would like that.  Sure enough, I get to the house and he just hops in the shower, no kisses no cuddles, no nothing.  

Fast forward to a few days ago, and we somehow got into the conversation of sex and he told me that he just doesn't like sex!  And I asked him why and he said he feels that there are other things in life and people put too much on sex and I told him I don't feel it should be the main focus in a relationship but that it is important to me and I do like it and he disagreed.  I moved closer to him and started caressing him and I told him well I would love to try and change you're thinking on that.  I want to teach you to like sex, I think that would be fun. And he just cuddled me back and said he doesn't know, etc.  

The next day when we woke up in the morning, I told him I was feeling sick and he asked me why and I told him it was because I had my period and then I made a joke "no fun for us now for the next few days" and he said that's fine with me, I don't like sex.  Too many chances to get the woman pregnant, I was almost a father twice, not going through that again.  And I told him you can just pull out or use a condom, I don't want a baby right now either and he told me he would just rather not.  I asked him was that the only reason that he doesn't want to have sex with me and he said no, I just don't like sex, other things are more important.  That's just who I am.  And I told him well still, I'm gonna try and change that and he told me he doesn't want me "setting myself up for failure" and that's when I asked him straight up what's the reason he doesn't like sex and he got angry and told me he is just going to keep repeating himself so end this conversation because it's getting him upset.  And ever since then he hasn't touched, cuddled with, or even kissed me for three whole days!  We didn't argue besides that.

I think that I truly love this man, he's literally the boyfriend I imagined for myself but never thought I would find.  A little background on us: he's 29 years old, he has no problem getting or staying hard when we would makeout or when I would strip naked for him, etc, he used to be really overweight but has since lost over 100 pounds in the last 18 months or so, he is no longer overweight, just has a gut.  He drinks but doesn't get drunk very much if at all, and he smokes cigarettes but nothing more.  He did have a really depressing lifestyle before I came into the picture.  His mother died of cancer about four years ago, last year his brother committed suicide at the age of 22 and his father is an alcoholic that was recently diagnosed with liver problems.  He's only had one long term relationship that I know of (three years) any others have all been short term things that didn't end well at all which he often brings up to me.  I'm 26 years old and from what I've been told and the attention that I get at work, on the more attractive side of women but I never really felt that way until I started this job.  I keep myself very clean, shave often, and wear sexy bras and panties when I'm around him and from what I've seen from his ex girlfriends, they were all heavyset women, which I don't think is a thing for him honestly because the women were not that pretty in the face either (just because you're overweight doesn't make you ugly by any means but these were not women you would call pretty by any stretch) and he's not a mean person but he has made comments about fat women, like at work and stuff if they upset him.  So I honestly don't think he prefers that and he does get really aroused when he sees me naked and does things with me but now it seems as if our sex life (or lack thereof) is going to tear us apart.  

I don't want to pressure him into anything, but I want him to know that if we don't have sex or now maybe not even cuddle and kiss that this relationship will be over before he knows it.  If he had agreed to working on this with me I would understand and be fine but I really need to get him to meet me halfway on this and I just don't know what's wrong with him or how to go about it exactly.  I'm also afraid to get into a real in depth conversation about it because it feels like he just shuts down the talks of sex or gets mad which I don't want because I don't want to cause him more stress or get him too angry because I really feel that he is the one for me.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi Lil, You have come with a big problem, thats as I see it, and from what your saying verey sexy with it, but I dont think he is, so its up to you to get him to turn that corner which you have been, it seems you have tried most things that would have most men jumping, men and oral sex some of us love to do it and some men just cant do it, and it would not matter how clean you are, its just repulsive to them, and as for him losing his erection, its not such a big problem we all get at some time, its just one of those things. I'll get back to you a very long post.
Avatar universal
• One of special things about sex is that its a time where a man feels the most manly and visa versa for the the woman…I imagine that you have lost that (amongst other things) with this situation.
Without discussion or saying… instinctually- men make women fell desirable & sexy. And women protect men's egos (which is why so many women will fake orgasms). In a relationship.. .when this is unbalanced couples run into problems. I would say the the first thing would be getting back to this. You can do your part by making him more confident. Is seems like he doesnt know how to please & the ways in which it has been communicated about has broken his confidence.

Ease him into the situation, instruct & motivate him with positive reinforcement. seduce him with saying something like…"that felt so good when you were doing it like …., I cant stop thinking about it"… instruct him by saying things like "a little softer, right there… a little harder...dont stop… etc). Keep him confident by always saying it feels good, your so good at it… etc.
Personally, I wouldnt go strait to oral. Guys can quickly be intimidated by that. If you are able to give yourself an orgasm, than he can too.
It may sound obvious, but before you can carefully teach him, you must understand it yourself. (it is not uncommon that a lot a women dont understand the way their body works).

The clit is actually the only way for women to orgasm (most women). The clit extends form the little ball at the top of the vagina… inside and down along-side the inner vagina wall… think of it like a tad pole with 2 tails… the head is the part you rub on the outside… the tails extend on the inside of the vagina- one on each side of the inner vagina. The entire thing is a pleasure-source and the entire thing swells with arousal.
This is how penetration is pleasurable for women… it is the inner clit that is being stimulated by the penis which results in pleasure.
This is where things get complicated sometimes… without initial arousal (foreplay)… the inner clit is nearly impossible to reach (this is why many women cannot orgasm with penetration alone)… it may feel good, but for consistent inner clit stimulation, sufficient prior arousal will lead to the most pleasure.
The secret is to be precise with where you are directing stimulation- weather it be with your finger, tongue, or vibrator (don't just rub it approximately in the right place… make sure you know where it is)… then start off soft (as soft as can be possible)… gradually applying more pressure and faster (but never too hard)…
Dont give up… good luck!
Avatar universal
Hi Lil, Back, Do you think your man is carrying to much of a load of family guilt, perhaps he could do with some kind of counselling to clear his load, give him a freash start back into life.
The problem there would be how to get him started.
You say he gets pretty aroused by seeing you naked, it seems your doing all the right things, cant see it but have you tried openly masturbating in front of him and have you given him oral, sometimes oral is a two way thing, as in the good old 69 postion, there is a site dobson and ross, google it, you may find some kind of insight into mens thoughts on sex.
But you may be hitting your head against a brick wall, to his attitude towards sex, and I think this could be your falling in this relationship, the fact is you very sexy and need sex and his veiws do not correspond to yours, is this the answer your looking for.
Good Luck
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