I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this; hopefully I can give you some helpful advice here. The vagina secretes a natural discharge, which can be clear or whitish ~ that is normal. If you ever notice that the discharge becomes clumpy, thick, causes discomfort, and has an odor, that could be an indication of an infection. In regard to the pain you have felt during insertion at the opening of your vagina, it may have been from your hymen being stretched. The hymen is the membrane at the opening of the vagina; after any insertion for the first few times, it can become sore or tender for a few days, eventually the pain will go away...
The first time any women goes to the gynecologist, it can be stressful and scary because we don't know what to expect. To make you feel more comfortable, take a friend or close relative with you for support ~ your friend/relative doesn't need to go into the examination room, but they can wait for you in the lobby meanwhile. Once you arrive at your appointment, you will probably be asked to fill out a page of paperwork while you wait. Once the nurse/medical assistant calls you in, she will most likely take your blood pressure, weigh you, and then she will give you a paper gown to wear before you undress from the waist down. The nurse will stay with you during the pelvic exam that the doctor performs. The actual exam with the doctor is usually very quick; you're entire appointment will probably last 20 to 30 minutes. During your appointment, you can discuss any concerns you have about your discharge or any pain you're experiencing; you do not have to talk about the sexual abuse if you don't want to. Unless you tell the nurse and doctor about your past abuse, they will not know; talk about what makes you feel comfortable during your appointment...
My last suggestion to you would be to seek advice from a therapist who specializes in sexual traumas (abuse). A therapist can offer you counseling on how to deal with the anxiety that you are feeling and they will help you start the healing process as a survivor. You can do an online search for a therapist in your area, to find one closest to you. Speaking from personal experience, therapy has made a huge difference in my life :)
If you have anymore questions, please feel free to post another comment or question here.
Thank you so much for your response :) it made me feel better.After all these years in which I was thinking there is something seriously wrong with me I'm building up my courage to go to a doctor. I was considering going to a therapist too. About that pain i think you're right with time it's starting to fade away now only if i apply pressure on that whole bottom opening area of the vagina it hurts a bit. I thought i might have some tissue damage or i don't know.. because there my hymen is more like some tags that are flat but they aren't in the same line i don't know if hymen remnants can move lol i have hymen tags one below my urethral orifice and one above it I don't know if that's possible but it's all the same texture and same color down there. I find the gynecologist exam stressfull because i know the doctor will ask me if I'm still a virgin altough I consider myself one my hymen proves that I'm not..I hope this isn't such a big deal
You're welcome :)
Over time the hymen will gradually disappear, which is normal. You probably are still seeing the remaining tissue, that's normal also (not all hymens look the same)... It's perfectly natural to be nervous for your first few visits to the gynecologist ~ but you'll survive, and they usually get easier and less stressful after your first visit!
On your questionnaire (paperwork before the exam) it may ask if you are sexually active or not; this is so the doctor can understand more about your personal health and history. Honestly, the nurses and doctor's will not treat you any differently if they know that you are, or are not, a virgin. Be aware that they may suggest birth control options during your appointment, that's normal procedure. You'll be okay and it will go quickly ~ hang in there!