I will be 25 soon, and for the entirety of my life my sex drive has been really low. I never played with myself and was never curious at all in my teen years. It is probably to the point where I could go without it, and I do prefer other things over sex, and it has taken a long time to get over certain anxieties that I do have about sex. My boyfriend is a sex machine. He seems to need it several times a day, so when we first started going out it was a big change for me, and it brought out the inner sex kitten in me. I wanted to try everything! We never had any problems, I liked everything, and my body responded. I never got to orgasm until I started to try doing things to myself on my own, and even then it was only for the sole purpose of learning how to do it for him. It turns out that if I do in fact want to orgasm with my boyfriend, I can only do it with the aid of a clitoral vibrator, and these days it has to be a certain position, and even then it’s difficult for me to get to that point.
At first, everything was great, but at some point I couldn’t get in the game anymore. I can’t become aroused and my sex drive dipped right back down where it used to be.
I feel like sex is a chore. He needs it all the time and I don’t, and I have a hard time of saying no and not feeling guilty about it. During foreplay, if there is any, I am incapable of becoming self lubricated, and when he attempts any kind of act on me with fingers or mouth I don’t get a reaction. It’s the same feeling as if someone were poking me on the shoulder, except this feels a little more irritating.
There are some times when it does feel good, but through my own experience with myself and my vibrator, what he does and what I do feel absolutely different. His always feel irritating no matter what, and I don’t know if it’s my nerves and anxiety that make me involuntary clench and not relax, but I just can’t possibly enjoy it. A lot of the times the feeling triggers the urge to pee, and I understand that the G-spot is supposed to feel like that, but it is severely irritating to the point where it can sometimes hurt, when my clitoris is stimulated by him, and the urge to pee just makes me panic. It’s not that I’m worried about peeing on him, I’m worried that I’m worrying too much about the feeling and not relaxing enough to let it pass and it never does. I also make a point to pee before sex these days, but the urge is always there and in fact I feel like I’ve been peeing more constantly lately.
Also, when he goes to enter me, he used to go in nice and smooth, but now it feels as if my vagina tightens up, even after he has played with it for a while, or I have played with myself with my vibrator for a while, it will be tight and a bit painful to enter. Once he’s in, it feels like the desert in there, and all I can focus on is the irritating, sometimes painful feeling of skin on skin. If we use lube, it can be a lot better, but then there are times where it feels like he is ramming right into a far back vaginal wall of some sort and it’s painful, no matter what position or speed. Or he’s rubbing against the entrance of my vagina in the wrong way.
There have been many times where I have bled and felt pain during and after intercourse. I have had an exam and so far my Doctor has not found any medical problems and had believed that the low sex drive issues were due to my depression or my yeast infection at the time. My first yeast infection was the worse experience ever for me because I took a one day cure and had a bad reaction. I had several infections afterwards later on in my life, but none were as severe. It turns out that some of the times when I was having pain during sex was in fact because of an infection, but I am not infected now and have bled from a recent encounter.
Another thing is that I have recently moved four hours away to a different city for school. We stay in contact via our cell phones and other means, and I have noticed that my body becomes aroused a whole lot differently when we send each other dirty text messages than whenever I’m with him. It seems to respond as if it should be, a warm tingly, comfortable feeling and lubrication.
What could this all mean? I apologize if this is horrendously long, but I’ve been keeping this in for months and months. Does it mean that I am not aroused by my boyfriend at all? Does it mean that I may have some form of medical condition that is causing my vagina to tighten or dry up or feel pain during sex? Or are my anxieties and worries and personal relationship issues and pressures of performing getting in the way of me completely relaxing and opening up in the bedroom? If the latter is the case, then how can I possibly find a way around it? How can I relax and allow myself to enjoy that time spent with him, so I can also orgasm with only his assistance and not the vibes?