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Post pregnancy, getting horny many times a day, is that normal?

I am a male, near forty, married and a father of one. Since we got pregnant 2 years ago and afterward when our lovely daughter was born, our sexual life has almost vanished. Between the two of us, I always have the higher libido and my wife, the new mother in town, has almost no libido since the baby arrived. To give an idea of our situation, before our pregnancy we used to have sex, maybe once a month; after our pregnancy, during these two and half years we had sex only 4 times.

During the last few months, I am facing this odd problem of getting an erection many times when I am home and my wife is around. It's not like a random erection without sexual thought, it's like I am always ready to have sex with her. With the baby, both of us go through tremendous stress and work pressure, despite that I get hard many times a day. She is also surprised and bit irritated that how can I get such thoughts in such situations. I am so embarrassed and do not exactly know what to do.

Do any of you empathize with me? Have you or your husband experience such situation? How did you get out of it? Is that abnormal? Should I/we seek medical help?

Appreciate your thoughts and for sharing your experience.
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Avatar universal
Sorry to hear about your situation. This can’t be easy for either of you. I think it's not unusual for new mothers to have a decrease in libido - it’s as if they feel their role has changed from lover to mother & they don’t feel very sexy or sexual. For many women, pregnancy itself can be a damper to sex. Obviously, this isn’t the case for all women, but I think it may be fairly common...

As for you, it could be a case that a) you’re just a normal guy with the usual sexual urges and b) the fact that you can’t have sex with your wife is causing you to crave it even more. We all know the strong appeal of smthg we can’t have!

I think you & your wife need to talk this out, very openly, with love & understanding. Stay away from saying things like ‘You always...’ or ‘You never...’, instead, say things like ‘This makes me feel unloved, unwanted, etc.’. That way you’re not accusing or pointing fingers, instead try to make it an issue that you can work on together- as in ‘What can we do together to fix this?’ Or ‘What do you need from ME that would help the situation?’. Hopefully your wife will at least be understanding that you do have needs & would be OK with the fact you’ll probably need to masturbate until things pick up. Would she be open to at least pleasuring you in some way even if she’s not up for intercourse? That would at least keep some closeness & affection in the picture & may have to be your solution until she’s back in the swing of things.

I wish you the best & hope this doesn’t become an issue that threatens the strength of your marriage...
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Thanks for your reply and appreciate the suggestions!

We have started talking about it and like you have suggested we are trying to keep accusation out of it, which of course will make it worse. I hope things will work out for the best.

Thanks again for sharing your thought and for the advice.
No problem, glad to help if I can. I had a cpl more thoughts on this since my initial comment. First, how long have you guys been married? You mentioned you were only having sex about once a month before the pregnancy - was it always like that? That's definitely at the low end of the scale, but maybe sex was never a big thing for her - ?? Sexual frequency does tend to fall off after a number of years, but at around age 40, this seems very low. 4 times in 2.5 years is not really an acceptable level of intimacy, barring some serious illness or other physical issue...

Also, 2.5 yrs seems like a pretty long time to still be in that post-partum thing of not desiring sex, but as I said, maybe she was always that way. Was it like that when you were still dating prior to marriage? If she really has just no interest in sex at all, it could be a hormonal imbalance. Women normally do have a small amount of Testosterone (much less than guys, obviously) & "T" is a big driver of libido. Some women with very low sex drive have benefited from Testosterone therapy (very low dose) - that would have to come from her Dr. after a diagnosis & determination of what's causing her extremely low libido. You two could speak to her Dr. about that possibility.

Of course, this could also be related to stress, which is often a killer of sex drives for both men & women. In that case, finding ways to reduce her stress level should help.

If all else fails, you may need to go the counseling route. What I think some women don't understand is that we as men feel loved & wanted thru expressing our love with sexual intimacy - if there isn't some minimal level of that, we feel rejected & unloved, obviously not a good thing in a marriage. Not saying that other things aren't important to us too, but for most men, if a woman is NOT willing to have sex with us (or only does so very grudgingly & after practically begging for it), it's extremely hurtful & damaging to the relationship - it really does feel like a rejection of who we are.

I would welcome any female readers to respond as well - maybe some of you have been thru something similar & we'd like to hear your perspective on this. Maybe you can share what you & your husband did to get past this.

These can be very complicated & emotional issues for couples & often they're not easily solved, but I think the open dialog is a good start, glad to hear you are doing that. I really wish you the best & hope you guys can work this out...
We have been married for 12 years and her sex drive has always been low. It has gone lower after our pregnancy. I will talk to her about her view on discussing this with her doctor and maybe get evaluated for a possible (Testosterone) therapy. There is obvious stress from taking care of the baby and from daily homemaking. I suggested her to read some books about post-partum life, general sexual health, and self-motivation.

Do you think long abstinence can cause libido to go down? I know that she does not believe in self-pleasuring as well, which means all this time she is totally deprived of any sexual need her body might have and missing the positive aspects of it.

We discussed trying to schedule at least once or twice a week as a starter, given that it's not happening spontaneously. Maybe the deprivation has made her libido go lower and with little practice, if I may call it that, the interest would grow up, what do you think? I am trying to encourage her more to pursue the activities and hobbies she likes so that she can get out of the stress of daily chore and can have some fun.

We have also talked about counseling, which will probably be our last resort once we try other things.

Once again, really appreciate for taking time to help me on this. Thank You and best regards!
Oh, I absolutely do believe that neglecting sexual activity can cause the libido to just kind of die out. And I do think that if she can get herself involved in some form of it (solo or partner), that could definitely re-kindle the desire.

If her objection to self-pleasure is of a religious nature, she should know that even the Bible does not condemn it - in fact, nothing at all on that subject is even mentioned there. Since there are numerous sex acts spelled out that are forbidden (and many are rather rare, like bestiality) it would seem that if God had a prblm w/ masturbation (certainly one of the most common of all sexual acts), He would have told us so. Jesus warned us about the sin of lust,  which CAN be associated w/ masturbation, but doesn’t necessarily have to be. The story of Onan has nothing to do with masturbation - he was punished for not providing an heir for his dead brother’s widow, which was the Law at the time. If she can get over the guilt or whatever & learn how to please herself, she may enjoy intercourse more as well.

I think your proposal to ‘schedule’ sex is a good one - many sex therapists recommend exactly that.

So it sounds to me like at least you guys are on the right track - open dialog, no finger-pointing, and trying out the idea of scheduling sex. Please check back in from time to time & let us know how things are going - I guarantee there are others in similar situations that would benefit from hearing what's working (or NOT) from you...
Sure, I will keep this thread updated with how we are progressing, and what's working for us. Thanks again!
Avatar universal
I definitely think as one neglects sexuality, libido can decline to near zero. I do believe that engaging in any kind of activity - solo or with a partner - can sort of jump start things. Prbly need to discuss why she has a negative attitude about self-pleasure - if her attitude stems from religious belief, she should know that for the record, even the Bible does not condemn it! The story of Oman has nothing to do with masturbation, he disobeyed the requirement to give his brother’s widow a child. Masturbation itself is not really even mentioned. Hopefully she can change her negative attitude about it. Dr’s, Psychologists, counselors, etc. all now consider it 100% normal, healthy & beneficial. You’re on the right track - let us know if things improve (or don’t).. .
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Sorry for the duplicate comment to your last Q - I’m traveling & haven’t always had Internet access, so it looked to me as if my previous one didn’t go thru...
Your previous comment went through, thanks for checking back.
973741 tn?1342342773
So, here is a woman's perspective.  :>)  I had two kids very close in age (a year apart).  When they were born, things dramatically changed for me.  I found myself constantly feeling 'responsible'. This made it really hard to ever feel 'sexy'.  My husband paid the price, I suppose.  My libido was super low and I pretty much had no interest.  The best gift my husband could give me was vacuuming the house and watching the kids!  I kid you not.  

Here is my suggestion that I think would have helped.  So, spend some quality time the two of you. This can happen say on an evening after the kids go to bed that is purposely not going to go too late.  Think of what she enjoys.  I like movies. If my husband got a movie cued up, lit some candles, gave me a glass of wine or a bottled water (really more my taste) and just sat with me watching the movie holding my hand . . . wow.  I'd feel very close to him. And the more he made intimacy about emotional intimacy, the more I'd want to be physically intimate with him.  If he gave me a back rub without expecting sex, the more I'd want to have sex with him.  The more he understood that I had kids pulling on me all day, cleaning that never ended, work, etc. the more I'd want to open up to him.  It's hard to explain that dynamic of what is like to be thrust into motherhood where your life doesn't feel like your own.  I felt frumpy. Like I never looked or felt good (or at least how I used to).  It's kind of a hard time on a mom! And with pregnancy and then nursing kids, it's a lot of hormonal fluctuations over a few years time.  The actual libido for me was lower.

Also, once a month, get a sitter.  Not for the two of you to go out but one for her to just go do what she wants for a while. (or watch the kids on the weekend for a few hours yourself letting her go off to do whatever she wants).  And then a second sitter once a month for the date.  A nice date just the two of you that is not meant to work out problems, talk through issues, etc. A date to just relax and enjoy each other.  We had a rule when we went on our dates that we couldn't discuss the stressful topics during it.  Cause then it defeated the purpose of being relaxed time as a couple. We had time at home that we set aside to talk about the necessary business of being married (the less fun stuff like finances, dealing with family, dealing with chores, dealing with sex life, etc.)

Then all of a sudden, when my kids were 4 and 5, it went back to normal.  I felt like 'me' again.  I could look at my husband and have desire on a regular level. (and not that I didn't desire him . . . I was just frankly in a different headspace then).  Keeping close to her emotionally during that time allows you to totally reconnect when she gets back to her self internally.

This is not to say that your needs should never be met.  They need to be.  You can ask for that. But with the adequate empathy with what she goes through too.  :>))
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First of all many thanks for taking the time to think about it and for your suggestions. It's good to know that we are not alone.

From the explanation of what you said would make you feel happy and cared, I think we are on the right track, though I guess I need to be more proactive about it. Lack of time seems to be the primary challenge we have. The only time we get to sit together comfortably to hold hands and talk about our lives and feelings is when the little one is off to the bed. That's the time we get to watch our favorite movies and TV series. Rest of the day, both of us are doing some work or the other, office, making food, washing bottles, cleaning room, feeding the baby. But, I guess that's probably common to all the families with a newborn. I know, no excuses, we will have to find the time out for ourselves; and I will have to help her feel good, happy and energetic.

The idea of getting a sitter a few times is great. We have a friend who has arranged for an hourly daycare, which he avails for going out to movies and date. I like the idea.

Again, I appreciate your suggestions and hope we will be able to make it better.
Avatar universal
specialmom, thx so much for your input - we really needed to hear a wife’s perspective on this issue. I think having another woman who’s been thru it add her perspective will be of great help not only to siciliandragon but many other readers who find themselves in similar circumstances. I think your advice is very sound & glad to hear you got your mojo back!
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