Sexual performance anxiety

[Chaman]

I am 30 years old. Just married. I used to have sex with my wife before marriage and I used to get full erection and stimulation. I also had good sexual desire. After marriage on honeymoon, I had full erection dad penetrative sex without problems. However after a week of marriage, I had stress due to some reason. On that night I could not perform. I failed to get fully hard. After that night I just lost my confidence. After that each night during sex I am always focussing on whether I am getting erection or not rather than sex. The more I focus on erection, the less erection I get. I think is it performance anxiety because erectile dysfunction can't develop suddenly. I try not to worry but still during sex I get worried and fail to get hard. I masturbated twice since that day and got hard. Please help me.

[auntiejessi]

Most men will experience erectile issues at least once in their lives, if not more, and stress is a big trigger for that.

It's easy for us to say to not worry about it and that it will work itself out, but I'm sure it's not that easy for you to just do.

Has your stress ended?

What you can do is focus on connecting with your wife in ways that aren't about your erection. Touch her, hug her, kiss her. Focus on foreplay, her orgasm, and not about penetration. Do that for a little while, and just relax about sex.

If she wants to use her hands or mouth on you, do that, but there are lots of other ways to be intimate and orgasm without penetration.

Since penetration is causing you stress, just don't focus on that for a week or two. See how that goes.

If stress and/or anxiety continue, don't hesitate to see a therapist to help. This is totally normal, and it happens to everyone.

If the erection issues continue, see your doctor to rule out any physical problems.

[Chaman]

Thanks for your response. My stress was short lived. But the main problem is overthinking during sex. From that day till now I got fully hard 2 times. I did not do intercourse but just rubbing my penis on clitoris since my wife is more concerned about foreplay and clitoris stimulation than intercourse. On third day however again I just overthinked the situation and lost my erection mid-way. I talked to my wife, she said it is normal and I need to give some time for situation to improve since I was fully normal a few days back and also I between. Everyone says it's normal. Even I know that it is just anxiety but still during sex a fear of failed erection strikes me. But gradually it has started to bother me less. I think with time the problem will go away. My wife also suggested to decrease sex frequency to 3/ week to prevent boredom and try new methods.

[auntiejessi]

I do think in time, it will get better. If you can't let it go, don't hesitate to seek counseling. This is quite common.

Also, don't hesitate to make sure it isn't a physical problem causing it. It doesn't sound like it, but ED can indicate some serious things, like heart issues.

In the meantime, focus on the foreplay and clitoral stimulation and maybe letting your wife stimulate you with her hands and mouth, if that works. :)