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1999441 tn?1589741765

Wife and I both have problems and our marriage stinks

I haven't been on here since I was 61..still have the same problems with ED.  My second wife also has a problem.  She is unable to have an orgasm unless she manually stimulates herself and she says she feel nothing when someone 'plays' with her breasts, they do nothing for her.  She says she has been this way since she started having sex at 14.  She claims that she had around 50 sexual partners by age 18 and up until we got married in 2010 had over 120 or so and not one of them was able to giver her an orgasm.  I have tried to manually stimulate her, we have used toys of all kinds and she ends up having to take over so she can orgasm.  I feel like she doesn't even need me and since [email protected]#$%^& ED she hasn't.  It is like living with a room mate instead of a wife.  Not sure what to do.  Asa far as my ed, I have tried Viagra and it doesn't work, I have tried the vacuum pump and it doesn't work.  I have severe nerve damage on my left side from my lower back to my knee.  I have limited feeling in my groin but with a lot of stimulation, I can still orgasm but don't really feel it like I should.  
1 Responses
207091 tn?1337709493
So first, let me talk about your wife. It may help how you view everything.

Your wife doesn't actually have "problems" - many women are unable to orgasm without manual stimulation. This is just how she's built, so to speak. Since she knows exactly what gives her an orgasm, have you asked her to show you how to do it so you can give her an orgasm? Instead of her taking over, have her help you. Tell her you want to connect with her in this way.

And she does need you. Even if she doesn't "need" you to orgasm, she "needs" you in so many other ways - as a friend, a partner, a companion, etc. You seem to be putting a lot of focus on the orgasm, and I understand why, but I'd bet she isn't. There's so much more to you and your relationship than the orgasm.

So with your ED, I don't know if you're a good candidate for Cialis, but maybe that would help you more than Viagra. Maybe not. Talk to your doctor.

So what happens if nothing ever improves? Can you find peace with it? Are there other ways you and your wife can connect physically and intimately without the orgasm, for both of you, being the ultimate goal?

For example, some find oral sex is really intimate, and even if it doesn't end in orgasm, the connection may be enough. She may not have a lot of sensation in her breasts, but it still may feel erotic when you touch them.

Maybe if you shift your goal from the orgasm to connection, you'll feel less frustrated.

And remember that even if you never give your wife another orgasm again, she needs you. You are so much more to her than that. I'd bet that you are placing far more weight on this one thing than she is.
4 Comments
Oh and let me add that if you haven't discussed how you're feeling with her, you should. Let her know that you feel unneeded since you can't bring her to orgasm, and that you're really struggling with this. I wouldn't tell her she has "problems", but tell her that you need her to share with you how to bring her to orgasm, that you need to make her feel good, etc.
I have tried to do it like she tells me to but I have never succe3eded and she ends up taking over.  She is not "big" into oral sex.  I guess what frustrates me is I have never had a problem giving women multiple orgasms and even "squirt".  I have tried Viagra or the generic equivalent and have gotten a electric penis pump with an Rx from Doctor and nothing seems to work.  For a long time I pulled back from her.  (Along with ED I have low Testosterone.  My doctor refuses to put me on it because he says there are to many side effects) because I had no sex drive at all.  So lately I have been pushing myself to touch her more and be more affectionate.  So I guess I will see if this helps..  
Oops forgot to add I was also on Cialis and it didn't work.
Low T causes other issues besides sexual problems, like depression, high cholesterol, thyroid issues, and high blood pressure. Is he monitoring you for those?

I have to say, I don't know you but you sound depressed. It's probably a cycle you're in now - you have sexual problems, and feel depressed, and want to connect to your wife, so you feel more depressed.

You may have had no problems with other women, but your wife isn't other women. This isn't reflective of you and your sexual abilities.  It's how she's made.

There was a big study done about 10 years ago, and they found that 75% of women never orgasm from intercourse alone, and 10-15% never orgasm. https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289

Some need extra help to reach orgasm. It's just the way we're built. We don't enjoy the frustration any more than you do.  Try not to take it personally.

If your doctor won't put you on testosterone, and hasn't explained why - what risks he's concerned about, and there are risks - then maybe see a specialist and get a second opinion.



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