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Avatar universal

feeling inadequate

My husband and I have been together for over 4 years now (both 2nd marriages) and I'm 9 months pregnant with my first child (his 3rd).  We used to have sex between 2-4 times a week and now it's only once about every 8-10 days.  He's 46 and I'm 36 and I would be happy if he would be intimate with me at least twice a week or close to it anyway.  I am rejected a lot more often than accepted for sex.  He will either say he's not in the mood, he's too tired or maybe later and when later arrives nothing happens.  I can't even remember the last time he touched me down below at all, he's only performed oral on me once and that was when we first started dating, we always have sex in the same position (missionary), he's always soft when we start and says he likes starting like that even though I have told him I don't feel anything at all when we do that, there is never any foreplay at all,  he always wants to go fast and I can't feel anything and want him to slow down sometimes for a little bit but then he goes soft saying he can't feel anything, he always turns his head away from me and always keeps his eyes closed and all the lights have to be off b/c he says he "gets distracted" if there are any lights on which makes me feel like he's not with me but with someone else in his head.  A few weekends ago I tried to inititate sex twice and both times was turned down.  I made a comment of it's been a while and his response was "maybe for you" and I took that as he would rather sex with himself than with me knowing I've been wanting him.  I've only turned him down maybe twice since we've been together and he'll turn around and ask me to help him "take care of himself" and gets mad if I refuse even when I point out that he has never done that for me not once.  He has told me long ago that he masterbates between once to 3 times a week and the only time that bothers me is when we're not having sex at all and he knows I've been wanting to.  He sometimes makes me feel it's all about his needs, what, how and when he wants to fool around and when I try to talk to him about changing positions once in a while he says ok but won't do it.  He knows I'm not happy with his interest in porn but I know it's a "guy thing" and it will never change but I feel he always has to look at it before being with me and I just don't do it for him, like he can't be with me until after he's had his "porn fix".  He tells me all the time he loves me, gives me little kisses every morning before leaving for work, and says I have a beautiful face but I don't feel this makes up for the lack of my sexual desires and needs.  I've tried talking to him a few times and he apologies for neglecting my needs and says he'll try to do better but nothing changes.  He says I'm too insecure and need to change that but I can't help it that he makes me feel that way.  He states he doesn't do that and it's me doing it to myself b/c he's happy with our sex life.  Of course he is, our sex life is always to his terms and my feelings and needs do not matter to him.   I have never in my life felt so undesired, unattractive, neglected, and inadequate and just a body for his images in his mind, and I'm the one who has issues since he's "fine with everything".  I have never had this problem with any previous boyfriends.  Is it me?  Am I asking for too much?  Today is Jan 3rd and the last time we had sex was on Christmas afternoon.  4 days later I tried to initiate something and he turns around and asks me to help him “take care of himself”.  When I asked what he was going to do for me if I did and he comments “it’s always about me and never him” and turned away mad.  New Year’s Eve I made a comment to him about it being a week since we were last together he claims it was only a couple of days and I quickly told him maybe he was with himself b/c he hasn’t been with me.  Nothing more was said after that.  I find myself not even wanting to sometimes b/c I feel the only time he decides to fool around is when I start to get moody but yet I want to be with him b/c I do love him and he is my husband.  I can’t help feeling insecure about myself when someone makes me feel this way and our sex life only seems to be getting less and less.  I’ve tried talking to him and he either gets defensive, tells me I’m being silly or blows me off and I hate that but I can’t make him listen.  I’m so tired of always having to keep things bottled in b/c of his reactions.  I know myself and when I’ve had enough of being ignored I will catch myself giving up, pulling away distancing myself and just try to ignore my own needs and desires and forget I ever had any.  I’m used to selling myself short and have done it all of my life and suspect I always will.  I don’t want to be felt sorry for.  I just want to be equal and feel I’m nowhere near being that.  So what does a person do with all of this emotional turmoil who is trying not to overanalyze, “read too much” into anything, make something out of nothing yet be able to find some sort of compromise without overreacting or making a mistake in saying/doing something that will come across the wrong way?  Am I just being unrealistic about my wants, needs and desires?  Is my husband innocent and not doing anything wrong and it’s just me overreacting or am I really being shorted on a more fulfilling sex life?
9 Responses
Avatar universal
i beleive ur hsband suffers from erectile dysfunction,he should see a doctor.its not u the problem,its his because he overwatched porn so he has desensitized his feelings.this is why hes more satisfied when he masturbates or watch porn  than when hes with u.he should see a urologist and maybe a sex therapist
332074 tn?1229564125
I would wonder if you being pregnant is the problem. This is common among some men. They tend to see you as a mother figure rather then a lover. If that is not the issue and he has no medical issues. Then that boy needs a wake up call. Have you tried watching the porn with him and discussing things you saw that you might want to try? I think that toys, porn and other sexual items can help liven up a sex life if are open to use them. The only thing that I can say is if the porn takes over and he would rather masterbate then be with a live wife who wants to be with him, then something has to changes.
Avatar universal
This has been going on long before I ever got pregnant.  I tried getting him to let me watch porn with him and he refuses and to be honest I really don't have an interest in watching it.  He says that's a personal thing that he does on his own and swears he doesn't watch it as often as I think.  My concern is he'd rather take care of himself than be with me.  When we do have sex he ALWAYS starts off working himself and when he's about to finish he pulls out to finish himself.  Don't get me wrong I am an open-minded person and wouldn't mind this act if it wasn't the only way we always have sex.  Everytime I ask if we can do something different he says ok but we never do and he just goes straight to his routine.  I've tried getting him to do foreplay and the only one getting that is him by him until he tells me to lay down and he climbs on top as usual.  I will say being pregnant and about to pop any day now has made it a little difficult for us to do much but I still have the interest even though it's still with him always on top and our usual routine.  I tell him I can't take his weight on my tummy and he tries to hold himself up but I still get uncomfortable and he won't change positions.  I'm always trying to hold him up off of me but it's just not easy to get into it when I find myself trying to keep from being squished.  I'm hoping after I heal from the delivery and start getting back to my shape that maybe I'll be able to try to get his attention and talk to him again if things still don't change in the bedroom.  I just don't know how to bring it up to him without him getting defensive or blowing me off.
Avatar universal
hi your hubby has the onset of ed and it happens to most men his age  , and if he is healthy then the problem is in his head .but theres viagra and it works with most problems. complainig is  abig mistake it only makes the problem worse .  i use to enjoy have  my penis sucked after i had *** when my penis was soft  and it use to feel really good.
you have to try and tease your hubby, bend down in front of him without panties on or give him a peep of your goods now and again,make him wish for it, pregnant womem are very sexy so use what you have

good luck
Avatar universal
Your husband you need to go to a counselor together.  That and he needs to lay of the porn.  You don't watch professional races when your own car at home needs an oil change.
Avatar universal
Your husband has a porn addiction and it has chnged his brain. No other way around it.

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