whats going on with me?

[steezyK]

hello, i am a 17 year old male. i am SO confused and i have never been like this. when i was young, i NEVER had the thought of me being gay whatsoever. keep this in mind. recently after i broke up with my girlfriend after a month and a half, i have been questioning myself soo much that i dont even feel like being alive. ever since i was like 10 or 11 i have been watching porn. about 2 years later i watched gay porn on and off but i didnt put much thought into it because i liked regular porn WAY better. i NEVER EVER had thoughts of being with a guy in a relationship in my life. after me and my girlfriend broke up, i havent been attracted to girls WHATSOEVER and i have been paying more attention to guys. at first, just thoughts of guys didnt arouse me. now whenever i think of a dude naked, it arouses me and i HATE it. i feel like dying everytime i see a dude on tv with his shirt off or even a gay guy. deep down this isnt me and i know it because i have been soo deppresed. i cant eat, sleep or even be myself. i cant even hang out with my guy friends because im afraid ill be atttracted to them or something and the normal things i do with them would make me think "this is because im gay". i want guys to just be my friends. i would be happy deep down just banging girls left and right and not guys. when i see a girl now, i dont think anything of her whatsoever and it upsets me soo much, like i wanna cry when i think about it. i used to think girls were like god. now i dont even aknowledge them. when i was younger, just the thought of having sex with a girl got me hard. now i dont even care. what scares me even more is the fact that i can keep a conversation with a guy soo easily and ill want to keep talking. then i start thinking "what if thats because im gay?" also, i only get hard about thoughts. if i was ever put in a homosexual situation, id probably run. i believe that is the real me deep down saying "this is wrong" and i think thats why im soo upset because my mind is messing with me. i recently lost my virginity to one of my x's and it was alright. i obivously got hard as a rock during it. a day later i didnt want anything to do with her anymore. a few days ago, i had sex again. i got aroused soo easily by the girl. but lately with my mood, its impossible to be happy towards girls with these thoughts. unless im gonna be friends with a girl, i wont even look at her. when i used to go out with girls, i was happy. but about a month into the relationship, it would get boring and die out. the way ive been thinking, it makes me think thats because im gay and id be able to keep a lifelong relationship with a dude. i dont want that at all but my mind tells me i do. i have no idea what to do right now because i am being tortured in my own body. i cannot take this anymore. im afraid to talk to a therapist about it because im afraid they will tell me im gay. reading everything on the internet such as peoples stories about being gay and symptoms of being gay (not saying being gay is bad) just makes me even more scared. the only thing that somewhat calms me for a couple minutes is that gays know they are gay from when they are young. and also, how i always had thoughts of women and having sex with multiple women. i hope this whole thing is the reason for me temporarily not having any attraction for girls because i always was attracted to girls and i wanna be able to talk to my guy friends and be like "yeahh id tap that" and mean it. i have every symptom for HOCD except the arousing one. im REALLY hoping this is just a phase in my life or OCD or something. someone please help me, i need help :/ thanks

[steezyK]

thank you soo much for answering my question. im just hoping this is a phase because my girlfriend broke up with me, i was really bummed out about it at first. even seeing her on the internet and her pictures on the internet made me want to die because i couldnt have her since the relationship died. after a while, i didnt even care about her and these thoughts came into my head. im confused about my guy friends because the way im thinking, i think the way i act around my guy friends and the feeling i get when im having fun with my bros is because im gay.i avent hung out with my guy friends in over a week because of all of this stuff. i only want to like GIRLS. yeah these thoughts do arouse me, more than ever actually. midway when i masturbate to them, deep down it feels wrong and it doesnt feel as good. i would be soo happy personally if i washappy in a relationship with a girl.

[ciqala]

The possibilities are endless on what could be going on with you, however the only way you can figure things out is to sit down and think, be real to yourself. Is your fear only the basis to what society or yourself or other guys brainwashed you into thinking? You say the real you is the one that does not want to be gay, however perhaps that might be just what people raised you to think. Perhaps you will be happier with men after all, but viewing how much it is tormenting you it could go the other way.
I have also know some people who experience these difficulties after breakups... usually if someone broke up with them though.
Anyway it is overly obvious you are NOT gay anyway, your are Bisexual. It COULD also be a phase you are going through which will disappear over time, such as a sexual fetish.
Bisexuals don't usually know they are that way right from birth, or at least it tends to grow more as they are a little older more sexually active and more open to accepting things. But being Bisexual is awesome since you like both men and women, there are also different percents, for example I am probably 40% attracted to the same sex, i still prefer men.
It is natural for even straight people to be attracted, envious, to the same sex. Porn takes two, its kind of hard to not get turned on when you are watching two people going at it no matter what sex they are. I think your answers will only come within yourself.
You could always jump right into it and try having sex with a guy, and see how it makes you feel, but I would advise to talk to a professional instead.There are health professionals in communities that are dedicated to sexual health, I am sure your doctor could point you in the right direction.  

[steezyK]

and i also forgot to mention, it feels like i will never go back to the way i was with girls. this is really upsetting me. i really hope this is OCD because i heard it is somewhat treatable. everytime i think about a guy and get aroused, i get the worste feeling in my body and in my stomache and i feel like not being alive. i actually considered suicide but i dont think thats the solution. i cant eat or have fun. if i was gay or whatever i just  want to be happy with whatever, i hate being like this.