wifes lack of desire

[g50]

My wife has no sexual desire. She is always willing to let me have her but I feel it like taking out the garbage just a chore duty. It is hard to make love to her it is just one sided. She said it just her not me. I try dating her almost every day. I tell her how nice she smells, feels, looks and that I love her touch and the list goes on. I am not buff never have been but nor am I too over weight. you can see my abs but not like they are rock hard but defined. When we have sex or I should say I have sex she does ejaculte on me. It just a physical response she just not in to me at all. That said there is little to no reciprication on touch or forplay from her. I question me why cant my wife want me like I do her, whats wrong with me , I am I just loosy in bed and not performing like a man should. I feel like **** when I use her body because I know she not interested in me that way. Will it soon be over because she going to get tired of me using her body because she does not want to. Will it end our 17 years together? I do feel bad and think I should seek some one else for sex only who wants to. Yes I am hurt. Whats wrong with me?

[g50]

Well I have all but done that to nite. Sinply told her hey you have no sugestions, you wont communicate its been a year I will rent you anapartment give you what ever you want from the house and you will be well come to vist the CHILDREN if you choose so but I dont see this being a problem as you dont particapate with us now. I still have at least 25 years of life I want to live and you have choosen not to be part of it. Answere I want to move out. reply you will have no choice if I move the family then will you. Its about US now not you or any **** you want to come up with thats it. her  reply I will try really trie we can even have sex ok. My response why now what are YOU willing to change. I will have sex. My reply you dont get it its not the sex it is a family you have choosen to walk away from and now I made a decision for the family which you will have no say and why would you have a say you have not been with us for over a year now. I will try really try. We been there done that how many times my family is first your self centre **** is first with you. I will try its diffrent. How and when? We see the doc monday and we will go from there what ever you think its going to take to fix things. I dont know I will think about what I WANT for tonite you had your time its family time here on. I then took the kids swimming and she is in bed sleeping.

[Agiesmom]

Ugh.  The fact that she is mean about your being kind and thoughtful is awful.  And forgetting your anniversary and accusing you of checking up on her--that's really bad.  My cousin was like this with her husband.  She said she felt smothered by him--I think what happened with them is that he felt her pulling away and then he went into overdrive trying to pull her back in, which pushed her further away.  He has his faults, like the rest of us, but he's a good person and loves his kids and loved her and would have been there until the end.  She's miserable now--with an awful boyfriend.  And she's actually considered getting back together with him (guess the grass wasn't greener after all).  I don't get it.

And I have to say...I'm not always in the mood out of the gate, but it only takes a few minutes to get there--if you allow yourself.  But I can't imagine how you could possibly get there if you lie there petting the cat, thinking about other things you need to do, waiting for it to be over.  You should get pleasure out of giving pleasure to someone you love, so this is really odd to me.

She sounds very detached and cut off.  I'd ask her to figure out how to make it work for her family or move out.  If she chooses to move out, focus totally on your kids and get them through that huge change in their lives.  Don't go seeking to fulfill your needs with some other woman.  That would seriously be disastrous.  You need to let some time go by and maybe get some counseling so you don't choose the same kind of emotionally unavailable woman again.

[g50]

I have thought she could be haing an afair and I addressed it with her but she said no and I do believe her because when. If she is it is an emotional affair with someone she works with not physical.

She likes timms coffe so I would bring her one for her lunch just being me. She said what are you checking up on me. Why say that and I asked her that. Because I felt you were and dont bring me things. I sent her flowwers and a cake she loves to eat for our aniversry she did not even no it was that day go figure. She said when I sent it it was embarassing . Why would it be unless there was someone else. It would have to be emotional and probably over because she wants to find a new job.

She is seeing our doc on monday blood work is done but she said last time nothing there who knows maybe not being honest but I hate the thought of not trusting my partner and to honest I dont feel good even thinking about these other dishonest thoughts.

Thanks for the words

[g50]

Since i am in that situation being told its ok to look after your self. It does not really work. First doing your self not great lets be honest. It is a release yes but satisfied no. To do it in bed next to her feels some what degrading to me. Doing it in the shower its again unfulfilling and a cheap release. Masterabation is ok some times but to have 10, 15 years of it. I am male I like boobs, touching , playing, tasting,kissing, hugging and to think for years to come I have my hand and thats supose to do the trick. I can not see it. I have been in this situation really for more then a year. I now feel it whats she wants. Think about it she does not want me I want her. Both have real needs to be met here. Just to say you do your self says that what you want is more important then his needs one who suposidly loves you. On the other hand her needs are do not touch me you dont dont excite me any more.(because you love me) Be it your problem or he is poor at satisfying  his partner. In either case hurt feelings. Why remain together because I can give her the financial life she wants. I need touching ,hugging, the need to be wanted and I feel these are basic human needs. When they stop I believe its over or find some mutual agreement on this where both people needs can be met if not totaly at least partly. I dont have the answere but what I do see is a frustrated relationship with both not happy, which might if not will lead to seprate lives. I dont want just to be a companion I want to be a husband, a father, and yes her lover. For me its now at the point that she does not participate with our children with me not why we got to gether. I hear and read letters from women who say my husband cheats but on the other hand I feel I was a canidate to father a family and support it nurish it but now I am disposable. I feel a real dubble standard here no. Sorry you comment has it the sore spot with my relationship. I think now find a special friend get the contact, hugs, partication, intimacy not talking about sex intamcy to me are experances that encourage togetherness and a wanting to share emotions that creat a wanting to be together, this situation does not . Good thing we can have diffrences in opinions. Why is it called cheating if I were to go else where when she does not want that part of me. Cheating would be taking something from her that belongs to her but if she not going be part of that then its not. I have raised and still raising 6 children by choice. I suported her and her children (no support from her ex) until they went on there own. We have one commom child which she wanted and I was not sure but I loved her and and said ok its what she wanted. I can be a good father no problem ok and financialy it is no problem so how could I say no.

Sorry for going on but I do not see iether of us really have a solution it her way or my way and I hear no compromise but its ok do your self.  does not work with me maybe some men not me.

[cat9841]

first of all, your problem is helping me with mine. I am a wife, our anniversery is this weekend, 18 years, never a problem with either of us even wanting anyone else, but, I don't want sex at all, or almost not at all. It isn't him, its me. but how long does this go on? forever? we are 58 years old, he wants it to go back to be like when we were 30. its just not going to happen. I love him, I want him for my best friend, confiendent, partner, but I am not interested in sex much at all. I don't know why, its just gone. I think your wife is depressed, the kids are getting her down, there are a thousand reasons, but for me, the kids are gone, and all I want is a best friend now, sex is for the younger people. how old is a man when he starts to feel the same way as me? he is angry,grouchy and I know the reason, but he could go jack off, but he said he won't do that, he isn't happy with me just "letting him", he wants me into it, I can't do that, I have to fake it and that is hard. any suggestions?

[Agiesmom]

She sounds like she's either depressed or having an affair.  Sorry to say the latter, but when my cousin moved on from her marriage, she became disinterested in her family.  She SWORE there was no one else, but within two weeks of her husband moving out, she had a new "friend" and when I raised my eyebrow at her, she insisted that they never had sex before her husband moved out.  Whatever.  If it's true, it was a technicality--she emotionally left the marriage long before her husband moved out.

Is there any chance of this?  No matter what's going on with her feelings about you or your marriage, I can't for the life of me understand not being interested in her kids.  But my cousin did this--she had this attitude of entitlement, feeling like she had "put up with" so much over the years and did her time--she said awful things about her husband (how she hated how he groped her all the time) and she actually said, "I've been wiping snotty noses and helping with homework for 10 years--it's my time now!"  That is so shocking to me, but I just think something snapped in her.

The other alternative is depression.  People don't have to be in bed all day or crying all the time to be depressed.  They don't even have to be able to put their finger on the reason for feeling despondent.

I would encourage her to see her gynecologist to rule out hormonal problems and then I would encourage her to seek counseling and perhaps an evaluation by a psychiatrist (who could prescribe a medication if that is in order).  And, from the sounds of it, you may have to do more than "encourage" her to do this.  You may have to take her out to a nice dinner at a neutral place and matter-of-factly state that things aren't working for you or the kids, so she needs to seek help.  If she refuses, I'd suggest the apartment for her again.

[g50]

Thank you for the comment. She is saying just no interest in sex. I try dating her every day. house work not a problem,

I tell her how sexy she looks all the time. I tell her how she turns me on. The level of patispation  goes beyound the bedroom. I have only got her to join the kids and i in an activity 4 times since december but only after i had words first telling her she needs to get back with our family. She was making excuses for not going to attend our 6 year old birthday party in two weeks. I even sugested she pick the day and its no you have it. This stikes deep in my values regarding family. It is the same in the bedroom. Its been a year of trying this trying that. not even a thank you for a surprise gigt or a hug even nothing. I am tierd of trying with no response. I told her so even sugested getting her own place then. no I want to be with you and the kids but does not contribute. I have a hichiker now 17 years latter not a mom or partner. I have never cheated been true but am now thinking why bother. She has been to the doc and nothing there. She tells me not interested in the bedroom one nite durring my sex she was petting the CAT and she wounder why i got upset. Now all said she was not like this before its been a year now.

[slow_healer]

It may not necessarily be anything wrong with you. If I were you, I would tell her how you are feeling. She might not even realize that she is coming across this way - that sex for her is more of a chore or duty than a pleasure. There's also a number of other things to keep in mind, such as...

(1) Do you tell her she's beautiful all the time? Or just on nights where you're hoping to help her into the mood?

(2) Does sex happen when you're both feeling ready for it? Speaking as a woman, if the house still needs to be cleaned or I still have a lot of work to do, and my partner wants sex, then it can become something to get out of the way. I always tell my partner that if he wants me to be in the mood when I get home, don't leave the sink full of dirty dishes! But that might just be me...

(3) Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe she just doesn't feel attractive. Self-image can have a HUGE impact in the bedroom. If she thinks she looks fat, then she's not going to be inclined to enjoy herself naked in front of you. That's just an example.

Most importantly, I would address this your wife - whatever the problem may be. Your feelings about this are legitimate and deserve to be discussed - good luck!