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464044 tn?1343702043


I been living with my bf for 15 months. We fight a lot for different reasons. Before I met him, I  moved to this city with my 3 kids. Ive been a dancer or an escort, or somehow "in the business" for about 12 years. When we met, I told him that I had 5 bfs and didnt know if he could handle that. He said that he could, he just wanted in. So I gave him a chance, and before long, moved in. So...we fight over money, or the kids, or whatever else comes up. Sometimes he throws me out, sometimes he just threatens to throw me out. Sometimes we have sex then he gets over it. But most of out fights have to do with money, we dont have it and I wanna go get it.

The relationship is very dysfunctional. I dont leave because hes good with the kids, plus he pays the rent and majority of the bills. Money is the issue because we still come up short, month after month. He will not work, He feels as though he does enough getting a disability check. I dont think its fair that I have to go to work while he sits at home, and we're still struggling. I feel like if he dont wanna work, I should be free to 'get money' from wherever I need it.

He knew what I was doing coming in. I pretty much quit in order to make it work between us. But now I wanna go back to what works. Im tired of doing without. Am I wrong for feeling this way? And is he right to keep me from making money?
4 Responses
523042 tn?1212177895

Therapists don't make judgments about "right" or "wrong." We leave that to others.

However, let's review the decisions you've made:

1. You've moved your three children into a home with an emotionally abusive man who refuses to work and who kicks you and your children out of the house periodically.

2. You subject your children to an environment in which there are frequent conflicts between you and your boyfriend.

464044 tn?1343702043
Im not sure if I would say emotionally abusive. However, I have asked myself that because of him throwing me out. But I really think that he just gets frustrated with what Im doing. He is very jealous, and doesnt trust me
at all.

But yes, the kids do have to deal with our arguments, which happen about once a week or so. I know that its wrong, and wish that there was some way to change it, but right now, I cant afford to leave. So I just stay, and try my best to avoid any arguments.

Really, I posted this question because he wanted to get some outside opinions on our situation. We were hoping to get some advice on how to handle the issues that we are dealing with, like my wanting to get money in ways that he disagrees with. I just feel like its my responsibility to provide for my kids, no matter what I have to do. And if he doesnt like the way I get it, then he should go get it. Right?
Avatar universal
Chances are you know what needs to be done already...After reading your profile and reading this post, you are definitely in a tough place. Growing up in a very similar situation, my mom put my sister and I at risk and subsequently we were both victims of abuse. My sis was beaten for years and I was sexually abused. All of these things over time build up and change who we become as adults. I have worked hard to overcome these things and live a very good life free of all that I grew up with. My sis on the other hand has many vices, alcohol and sex being her main problems. She has almost lost her business and was divorced recently because of infidelity. If your children are the most important thing in your life then do what is right for them without degrading yourself or putting them in danger. I have forgiven my mother but it took a long time. I would not have wanted my mother to use sex or drugs as a way to make money. The drugs and alcohol just fogged her reality preventing good decision making. The reckless sex just made her feel small and depressed further hurling her into a dark place. Personally, I would have preferred she find others struggling like that and reach out for help. There are resources available to help women starting over with childcare options while having to work more hours. There are also job training programs available. Real healthy change is never easy but the rewards are great. You will thank yourself and your children will hopefully learn from your positive change. As for him, if he isn't willing to work and be responsible then that should answer your question. If he doesn't want you to do certain things for money then he should buck up, be a real man and work. I would work 5 jobs 18 hrs a day if needed to provide for those I love. You sound like a strong person, use that strength to propel forward and make change you and your children can be proud of.  My grandmother always told me "where there is a will, there is a way." In today's society we have many more resources available and you sound like someone who is resourceful. You can do this coconuts27...
464044 tn?1343702043
Thank you for your input. I agree that Im not in the best place right now, and that I need to do something about it. Right now, though, Im just not sure what to do. I feel like my kids are safe, they are not being abused or mistreated. Im the only one whos really hurting. But I know that we are all strong enough to get over it when its all said and done. I have talked to my kids about this situation, and they are not angry or upset with me. They seem to understand why we are here, and that its only temporary. I work hard to provide and make an honest living. Sometimes its just not enough. So I dont feel bad about doing what I have to do to get by. I am safe and smart about it, and I keep it away from home.

I do appreciate your honesty, and your opinion. Thank you for posting.
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