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First time Sex
I recently had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I'm 26 and I waited 8 months into the relationship before I had sex as previously I wanted to save myself for marriage or at least till I was in love.
I was so disappointed it was painful and I felt no connection with him at all and it made me cry after, I tried again the next morning hoping it would be better but it just made me feel like a robot- slightly less painful but again no connection and if anything a little boring and depressing.I cant believe I waited for so long for this- it has also made me question whether I even love my boyfriend. It was very awkward and kept slipping out he said he felt like my muscles were contracting and I think due to the medication my boyfriend is on- prozac for anxiety he is able to get hard but he never has a full erection- sorry to be graphic but it never stands up just feels hard.
If things get better between us and I actually want to try again then if he is not completely hard then will I ever feel any pleasure from this?
Thanks so much this whole experience has been quite depressing!
I was so disappointed it was painful and I felt no connection with him at all and it made me cry after, I tried again the next morning hoping it would be better but it just made me feel like a robot- slightly less painful but again no connection and if anything a little boring and depressing.I cant believe I waited for so long for this- it has also made me question whether I even love my boyfriend. It was very awkward and kept slipping out he said he felt like my muscles were contracting and I think due to the medication my boyfriend is on- prozac for anxiety he is able to get hard but he never has a full erection- sorry to be graphic but it never stands up just feels hard.
If things get better between us and I actually want to try again then if he is not completely hard then will I ever feel any pleasure from this?
Thanks so much this whole experience has been quite depressing!
Give it a go a few times more and if you still feel like it is this way (not that good), move on and find someone else. sex is the spice of life and it should make you feel good, connected and notty. good luck becuase there is someone out there that should make you feel like I said and do not settle for anything else.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Olivia
I'm so sorry it was a disappointing experience for you. But know that you're not alone. Of all the thousands of women I've talked to, many didn't enjoy their first penis-vagina experience. Now why is that?
The #1 reason why women experience pain and discomfort during their first p-v experience is because they are insufficiently aroused and lubricated. Frequently, women follow the lead of their partner, and when he's ready for p-v, they go along. This is a huge mistake. You should NEVER have p-v until you're ready. You need to be very turned on and very wet.
Here's some information which I think will help you.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and on either side of the glans. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm! Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. And yet we women feel as though we SHOULD orgasm merely from p-v because that’s the model of sex that we’ve been sold in countless books, movies, etc.
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex can be about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and intimacy, etc.
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.
It’s important for women to learn about their own orgasmic response before sharing it with a partner, and this takes time and practice. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!
Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! If you'd like to experiment with some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation, here are some to try:
• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.
For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.
I suggest you go very slowly and begin with your partner's finger to see how that feels. When it feels very good, ask him to try a bigger finger. In other words, work up to a penis. And when you're ready for p-v, try lying side by side and having him enter you just a bit at a time. Go very slow. And stop if it hurts too much. You can go slowly, taking a little more of the penis each time. Never just let him jump on top of you and shove it in. Ouch!
One last important point: Lack of lubrication can irritate your delicate skin, so be sure you’re very aroused and wet before having p-v sex. If you don’t produce enough lubrication, there are lots of good lubes available, so check them out. You want one that has no alcohol or perfume (alcohol irritates those delicate membranes).
About Prozac: this is a powerful anti-depressant which can affect both orgasm and erection. However, this doesn't mean the two of you can't enjoy p-v as well as other forms of sex (hello? oral sex anyone?). But don't have the expectation that fireworks are going to go off every time you feel his penis inside you. That doesn't always happen, erection or not.
Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely. Good luck! Dr. J
I'm so sorry it was a disappointing experience for you. But know that you're not alone. Of all the thousands of women I've talked to, many didn't enjoy their first penis-vagina experience. Now why is that?
The #1 reason why women experience pain and discomfort during their first p-v experience is because they are insufficiently aroused and lubricated. Frequently, women follow the lead of their partner, and when he's ready for p-v, they go along. This is a huge mistake. You should NEVER have p-v until you're ready. You need to be very turned on and very wet.
Here's some information which I think will help you.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and on either side of the glans. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm! Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. And yet we women feel as though we SHOULD orgasm merely from p-v because that’s the model of sex that we’ve been sold in countless books, movies, etc.
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex can be about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and intimacy, etc.
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.
It’s important for women to learn about their own orgasmic response before sharing it with a partner, and this takes time and practice. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!
Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! If you'd like to experiment with some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation, here are some to try:
• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.
For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.
I suggest you go very slowly and begin with your partner's finger to see how that feels. When it feels very good, ask him to try a bigger finger. In other words, work up to a penis. And when you're ready for p-v, try lying side by side and having him enter you just a bit at a time. Go very slow. And stop if it hurts too much. You can go slowly, taking a little more of the penis each time. Never just let him jump on top of you and shove it in. Ouch!
One last important point: Lack of lubrication can irritate your delicate skin, so be sure you’re very aroused and wet before having p-v sex. If you don’t produce enough lubrication, there are lots of good lubes available, so check them out. You want one that has no alcohol or perfume (alcohol irritates those delicate membranes).
About Prozac: this is a powerful anti-depressant which can affect both orgasm and erection. However, this doesn't mean the two of you can't enjoy p-v as well as other forms of sex (hello? oral sex anyone?). But don't have the expectation that fireworks are going to go off every time you feel his penis inside you. That doesn't always happen, erection or not.
Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely. Good luck! Dr. J
Do you consider yourself a sexual person? Do romance novels or movies with whoever (Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt) get you aroused? Did you masturbate up till this time? Assuming yes to those questions, then on to that 'disconnect' problem - was he just lousy? Any foreplay, any attempt to make it fun? 'Hurting' sounds like no lubrication, which shouldn't be the case if you're aroused (but of course there's lubricant for that). On the plus side, it can only get better :). Painful, disconnected, semi-erection - trust me, it's not supposed to be like that. Oh, one more thing: even if he's not completely hard, he still has a tongue. If he's not willing to try that, then it might be time to re-evaluate the situation.
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