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Mismatched sex drive
Hi
I am a 31 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We are 'trying' for a baby at the moment and have been for about 5 months. The issue is that my husband very rarely wants to have sex - he is always too tired or we have just eaten or some other reason.
We are having sex no more than 4 times a month at the moment - which makes conceiving almost impossible. I have tried talking to him about the need to have regular sex over my ovulation time but there are still excuses. I have also addressed whether he actually may not wants kids, he says he does. I then wonder (as we all do) if he is not attracted to me sexually. His libido was higher earlier in our relationship. I feel frustrated, I know my sex drive is higher than his - but this is beyond that. I am not pressuring him about having children as I believe that would make things worse. We have gone from having sex 2 or 3 times a week to once a fortnight or so.
Does anyone have any advice or idea as to what I should do? I feel like a failure.
Jill
I am a 31 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We are 'trying' for a baby at the moment and have been for about 5 months. The issue is that my husband very rarely wants to have sex - he is always too tired or we have just eaten or some other reason.
We are having sex no more than 4 times a month at the moment - which makes conceiving almost impossible. I have tried talking to him about the need to have regular sex over my ovulation time but there are still excuses. I have also addressed whether he actually may not wants kids, he says he does. I then wonder (as we all do) if he is not attracted to me sexually. His libido was higher earlier in our relationship. I feel frustrated, I know my sex drive is higher than his - but this is beyond that. I am not pressuring him about having children as I believe that would make things worse. We have gone from having sex 2 or 3 times a week to once a fortnight or so.
Does anyone have any advice or idea as to what I should do? I feel like a failure.
Jill
Hi,
first of all I want to assure you that you are not responsible for your husband´s lack of desire. His low sex drive (or his unwillingness to have sex or children) has really nothing to do with you, with your personality or with your (un)attractiveness.
It is hard to say whether he has a generally low sex drive or if he just lacks desire to have sex in marriage (e.g. as a result of losing the original fascination with novelty typical for the early stages of a relationship).
I don´t know how open both of you can be when it comes to sexual issues or to discussing them. It could be helpful, if you found out whether he masturbates (e.g. using porn as a substitute) or if his sexual activities (in this low frequency framework) with you are the only source of his sexual satisfaction.
Long-term sexual frustration of one of the spouses is not uncommon (also in this form when a woman has higher sex drive than her male partner), but it is a potential source of a wide variety of destructive domplications and frustrations (e.g. low self-esteem, infidelity, emotional imbalance, distorted body image issues, despair and feelings of dysfunctional / sexstarved relationship). The main question is whether his lack of desire can be a result of some sexual dysfunction (some men with erection difficulties tend to avoid sex because of fear of failure or performance anxiety), physiological imbalance (e.g. low testosterone levels), medication (e.g. antidepressants), health problems or diseases or whether it is caused mainly by some psychological issues.
Anyway, you should not tolerate this situation for too long, you have a perfect right for sexual satisfaction. In some cases, maybe a professional help (sex therapy or couple counselling) can be a good starting point to reveal possible reasons for and solutions to these unpleasant problems. If he refuses to look for solutions and if he just thinks it is ok and that it is just your problem, then it is questionable whether you will find happiness and sexual satisfaction in this relationship or if it could be better to find a more sexually (and emotionally) compatible partner.
Finally, I would say that a lot of signs can be revealed by finding an answer to this basic question:" OK, he does not want to have sex, but does he at least WANT TO WANT?".
I wish you the best of luck,
severin76
first of all I want to assure you that you are not responsible for your husband´s lack of desire. His low sex drive (or his unwillingness to have sex or children) has really nothing to do with you, with your personality or with your (un)attractiveness.
It is hard to say whether he has a generally low sex drive or if he just lacks desire to have sex in marriage (e.g. as a result of losing the original fascination with novelty typical for the early stages of a relationship).
I don´t know how open both of you can be when it comes to sexual issues or to discussing them. It could be helpful, if you found out whether he masturbates (e.g. using porn as a substitute) or if his sexual activities (in this low frequency framework) with you are the only source of his sexual satisfaction.
Long-term sexual frustration of one of the spouses is not uncommon (also in this form when a woman has higher sex drive than her male partner), but it is a potential source of a wide variety of destructive domplications and frustrations (e.g. low self-esteem, infidelity, emotional imbalance, distorted body image issues, despair and feelings of dysfunctional / sexstarved relationship). The main question is whether his lack of desire can be a result of some sexual dysfunction (some men with erection difficulties tend to avoid sex because of fear of failure or performance anxiety), physiological imbalance (e.g. low testosterone levels), medication (e.g. antidepressants), health problems or diseases or whether it is caused mainly by some psychological issues.
Anyway, you should not tolerate this situation for too long, you have a perfect right for sexual satisfaction. In some cases, maybe a professional help (sex therapy or couple counselling) can be a good starting point to reveal possible reasons for and solutions to these unpleasant problems. If he refuses to look for solutions and if he just thinks it is ok and that it is just your problem, then it is questionable whether you will find happiness and sexual satisfaction in this relationship or if it could be better to find a more sexually (and emotionally) compatible partner.
Finally, I would say that a lot of signs can be revealed by finding an answer to this basic question:" OK, he does not want to have sex, but does he at least WANT TO WANT?".
I wish you the best of luck,
severin76
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Jill.
All of the questions you ask could be answered very simply by sitting down with your husband and having an open, non-judgmental conversation about your future together. It's possible that he is acquiesing to having children because of your desire to do so. Perhaps he's conflicted about this issue. And pressuring him to have penis-vagina sex when you're ovulating may be a real turn-off for him. Anyway, it's no good guessing, you need to talk about it. Having a baby means big changes in relationships, and some men fear they won't be up to the challenge emotionally or financially. It's important to acknowledge that the two of you are in it together, and it will require the two of you to make it work.
It's also important to dispel the myth that there's something called a "sex drive." That implies that there is some force "driving" some of us to have sex, which is not the case. I think that most people are really referring to "sexual desire."
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing and can be affected by many factors, including relationship conflicts, stress, anxiety, fear, etc.
You wonder whether he’s still turned on to you. Unless you’re a mind-reader, how could you know? You haven’t asked him. Let’s look at some possible contributing factors.
He may be afraid that once you're a mother, you'll no longer be his hot sex partner. Many of us get messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that once a woman has a child, she isn’t sexy or desirable, while single women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil, but desirable.
Your next step now is to approach him with the idea of sitting down to talk. It’s important that you don’t adopt an accusatory or angry manner, but instead are loving and accepting. Let him know that whatever he feels, you’ll be supportive—and hope he’ll be the same for you. Point out to him that the two of you can work this out together. Good luck to you. Dr. J
All of the questions you ask could be answered very simply by sitting down with your husband and having an open, non-judgmental conversation about your future together. It's possible that he is acquiesing to having children because of your desire to do so. Perhaps he's conflicted about this issue. And pressuring him to have penis-vagina sex when you're ovulating may be a real turn-off for him. Anyway, it's no good guessing, you need to talk about it. Having a baby means big changes in relationships, and some men fear they won't be up to the challenge emotionally or financially. It's important to acknowledge that the two of you are in it together, and it will require the two of you to make it work.
It's also important to dispel the myth that there's something called a "sex drive." That implies that there is some force "driving" some of us to have sex, which is not the case. I think that most people are really referring to "sexual desire."
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing and can be affected by many factors, including relationship conflicts, stress, anxiety, fear, etc.
You wonder whether he’s still turned on to you. Unless you’re a mind-reader, how could you know? You haven’t asked him. Let’s look at some possible contributing factors.
He may be afraid that once you're a mother, you'll no longer be his hot sex partner. Many of us get messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that once a woman has a child, she isn’t sexy or desirable, while single women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil, but desirable.
Your next step now is to approach him with the idea of sitting down to talk. It’s important that you don’t adopt an accusatory or angry manner, but instead are loving and accepting. Let him know that whatever he feels, you’ll be supportive—and hope he’ll be the same for you. Point out to him that the two of you can work this out together. Good luck to you. Dr. J
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