Selfishness in bed

[kateed]

My boyfriend & I have been having sex for a very long time,although he is very selfish in bed.. he wants to only receive & he never gives.. The only thing I ever get is intercourse. No foreplay or oral.. I've told him countless times how this makes me feel & it still doesn't change even after he says hes going to.. Should I start being selfish? Should I not give him everything,so he will get a taste of his own medicine..? Help?!?!

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello Kate

I can only give you information based on what you report; however, in my experience there are always two sides to an equation, so not hearing your boyfriend's perspective makes it difficult to answer.

If, as you say, you've talked with him about your wishes for other sexual activity besides just penis-vagina, and he refuses. I'm wondering what his reasons are and how he's feeling. There could be many reasons for his refusal, and without knowing them, it's difficult to determine what's going on.

The only way to find out, however, is to begin a serious, adult dialogue with him. Tell him your feelings without attacking him or making him defensive. The idea here is to draw him out about his feelings as well. Once the two of you have all your issues on the table, you can begin talking about possible solutions. If you can't come to any agreements, you have three choices: 1) see a counselor who is trained to help people with sexual concerns, 2) end the relationship, 3) make no changes and be miserable. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[flankpon]

Like the one guy above said maybe he just doesn't know what he's doing w/ your clit so he just skips that part to cover up for it. If this is the case he'll be real embarrassed about it so just be real nice. Maybe he hasn't learned yet so you just need to show him how you want it done, nothin wrong with that. I think it's either that or he really just doesn't care enough about making you feel good to spend some time on you. If he's generally selfish in every thing else then it won't be any different in bed. If this is the case then def give him a taste of his own medicine. Sex, like everything else in a relationship, should be a two way street. If he won't do something for you then don't do it for him. I guarantee that'll change the tune of his fiddle real quick. And if it doesn't, then I wouldn't blame you if you started looking elsewhere for what you want. If you've asked him repeatedly for foreplay and oral and he won't give it to you then don't give it to him; he doesn't deserve it.

[dozer1661]

i was in your boyfriends shoes once, i must admit i was hopeless although it kinda wasnt my fault, i was so arroused by my girlfriend i just lost control and it was over before it started, i used so much adreneline and energy i was physically unable to go again lol. We both realised i had an issue and addressed it together with the help of medical advise ( which was embarrassing ) but we tried a few things eg masturbating prior to having sex, and giving her oral sex before we made love and after time it was sorted....... i could satisfy her quite easily before i would orgasm, its great now.
the other thing is please dont confront him angrily or with bitter emotion about the issue from experience it can create unwanted tensions and become much harder for him and you to work on the solution to the problem.
take care and best of luck to you.  

[davee76]

If he's being a selfish lover and you're accommodating it, he probably won't change.  You need to be more firm in voicing your expectations.  He might just be unsure of what he's doing, a little coaching could help.

[love_a_challenge]

Sounds like he has history of not giving and has become accustomed to it. I don't think if you start being selfish will change anything. Maybe he had a bad experience in the past and has become traumatized. The doc will give you a more thorough response but I think you should ask him why he choose not to give and tell him to be honest.