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Sexual Performance Anxiety
I am in search of long-term self-help for the following issue:
I am prone to occasional bouts of sexual performance anxiety. Usually, it occurs when I'm with someone I really care about for the first time. My mind gets pre-occupied with wanting to be good for her and to give her total satisfaction. Of course, these thoughts start to weigh heavily, and it affects my ability to get an erection. Usually though, after a few times with that person, I settle down and relax into the great lover I am.....I'm not jesting with that comment.....I really AM very good, once I let my mind settle. It's actually humorous that I can be so sexually good on one hand and then have an occasional problem like this on the other.
Currently, I'm in a four and a half-year relationship with the girl I will eventually marry. She is the love of my life, and believe it or not, I still get bouts of this anxiety despite our totally hot sex life 98% of the time. I've found that it usually comes up after we've been apart for some time. We DO live together, but we're both performers (she - actress, me - musician), and we do sometimes go out of town for gigs elsewhere. Recently, when I came home after a few weeks of being away for a gig, the sexual excitement of being with her again was SO high for me that it made me get anxious about it, and I've not had much success in getting and keeping a hard-on for almost a week now. It's happened with her a few times before, and it's always gone away in time, but I would really like to know what I can do over the long term to try to prevent it from happening in the future.
She is a warm, loving person, so there are no issues there. It's completely in my head, I know that. But it's so much easier said than done to just say, "Just don't think those negative thoughts."
Any advice?
Thanks much!
- Troyboy
I am prone to occasional bouts of sexual performance anxiety. Usually, it occurs when I'm with someone I really care about for the first time. My mind gets pre-occupied with wanting to be good for her and to give her total satisfaction. Of course, these thoughts start to weigh heavily, and it affects my ability to get an erection. Usually though, after a few times with that person, I settle down and relax into the great lover I am.....I'm not jesting with that comment.....I really AM very good, once I let my mind settle. It's actually humorous that I can be so sexually good on one hand and then have an occasional problem like this on the other.
Currently, I'm in a four and a half-year relationship with the girl I will eventually marry. She is the love of my life, and believe it or not, I still get bouts of this anxiety despite our totally hot sex life 98% of the time. I've found that it usually comes up after we've been apart for some time. We DO live together, but we're both performers (she - actress, me - musician), and we do sometimes go out of town for gigs elsewhere. Recently, when I came home after a few weeks of being away for a gig, the sexual excitement of being with her again was SO high for me that it made me get anxious about it, and I've not had much success in getting and keeping a hard-on for almost a week now. It's happened with her a few times before, and it's always gone away in time, but I would really like to know what I can do over the long term to try to prevent it from happening in the future.
She is a warm, loving person, so there are no issues there. It's completely in my head, I know that. But it's so much easier said than done to just say, "Just don't think those negative thoughts."
Any advice?
Thanks much!
- Troyboy
Why not keep a small supply of Viagra on hand so you can take it when you anticipate you might be anxious about performance? Then you'll know you have a little extra help for those times and you can stop worrying and enjoy.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Why are you telling ME this, and not your girlfriend? If you have a good relationship and open communication, she'll be happy that you shared your feelings with her. Tell her what you've told me, i.e., "I feel anxious when we first get together, and then I start worrying, and then I don't feel pleasure, so my erection goes away, etc."
And ask for her understanding and help. You can change your dynamic to be less pressured by cooperating with each other. My suggestion is that you ask her if it's OK with her that when this happens for you, you just stop and do something else physical-maybe give her some pleasure for a bit--or just cuddle. Anything to remove the pressure from you to perform.
By the way: this performance thing, coupled with your insistence about thinking that sex is a competition, is a recipe for anxiety and future problems. No one is a bad or great lover. Everyone is different, and everyone likes different things. It's not about technique, but about attitude. And what you think of as "great" might be "horrible" to another person.
So why not ask your girlfriend what she likes most about being sexual with you? You might be surprised at the answer.
Take the pressure of yourself, relax, reach out, and enjoy. Dr. J
And ask for her understanding and help. You can change your dynamic to be less pressured by cooperating with each other. My suggestion is that you ask her if it's OK with her that when this happens for you, you just stop and do something else physical-maybe give her some pleasure for a bit--or just cuddle. Anything to remove the pressure from you to perform.
By the way: this performance thing, coupled with your insistence about thinking that sex is a competition, is a recipe for anxiety and future problems. No one is a bad or great lover. Everyone is different, and everyone likes different things. It's not about technique, but about attitude. And what you think of as "great" might be "horrible" to another person.
So why not ask your girlfriend what she likes most about being sexual with you? You might be surprised at the answer.
Take the pressure of yourself, relax, reach out, and enjoy. Dr. J
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