Unable to orgasm during sex/oral sex

[arbenger]

I've been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now, but during sex, or even oral sex, I can't orgasm and ejaculate for her, is there any way I could help make this happen when we're being intimate?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    This sounds like a deeper , psychological inhibition.  Let's review what it's like when you DO have an orgasm and ejaculate.  Do you have a ritual that you do when you masturbate? Do you have a specific style? Do you have a particular fantasy?  If you do, and I am betting that you have some patterns that you use to bring yourself to an orgasm, you might want to bring those techniques and thoughts into your sexual relationship with your girlfriend. So for example, if you bring yourself to orgasm a certain way, do that yourself, holding on to her for emotional and sexual arousal. Or teach her how to do it. Or share your fantasies with her and let her be part of them. Then, once you can do these things with her, she will also be more erotic to you, and you may be more likely to be intensely aroused, and closer to orgasm with her.

   Think about this though. The point is to make love together and make each other happy and aroused. If she can watch you have an orgasm, even if you are touching yourself instead of having intercourse, she will be more included and itwill be sexier to her. Explain what you've gotten used to, and explain the new plan. Let her feel close to you and part of your satisfacittion and arousal. If she loves you and loves making love with you- she will really like the fact that you are sharing your deepest needs and secrets with her and that will make it all feel more intimate. It may have a big effect on you too and ultimately help make orgasm  in new ways with her, possible.

[candyfloss]

"In case you have never talked with her about your preferences, try to do so or masturbate in each other`s presence so she can pick up on a few clues. It may seem awkward at first but it helps to communicate some techniques at some point. I believe that lots of partners are so fixated on certain ways to climax on their own that it seems impossible to do it together. It is a dance worth learning in case this is the root of your dissatisfaction. She may be doing something that she thought turns you on and repeats it over and over but it is all wrong for you. So unless you say something you may be stuck in that situation. My ex-husband only told me after a year that I was the most horrible kisser he ever met...I never knew until then"

Hear hear, I'm in a very new relationship and we haven't actually talked about our sexual preferences vocally, i think(well I know I am)we are too shy to do that but we as we are in a long distance relationship and only see each other every few weeks we havent had the chance to show each other what we like have communicated what we would like to do to each other through text messages,but I dont have the confidence to carry it through when he comes home. But he has made comments about me not orgasming(is that a word lol) so he thinks he's doing something wrong, which he definitely is not, but as we are new to each other we don't know each other's preferences and I would love to be able to communicate my likes and dislikes to him and Im sure he would ditto but how do you do that without causing offence? (I'm 43 btw and he's 50(both young for our ages btw lol)and we are definitely into each other....pardon the pun. I've orgasmed with previous b/f's....am i doing something wrong?

[monkeyflower]

You also might have just grown accustomed to a particular way of masturbating that doesn't mimic the sensations of partner sex. Let's face it, Try masturbating with lots of lube, a gentler grip, different speeds, different materials, etc. You can also always alternate masturbation and partner sex, or your usual masturbation with different techniques. It will take time and patience, but you can indeed retrain yourself :-)

[Trialanderror]

In case you have never talked with her about your preferences, try to do so or masturbate in each other`s presence so she can pick up on a few clues. It may seem awkward at first but it helps to communicate some techniques at some point. I believe that lots of partners are so fixated on certain ways to climax on their own that it seems impossible to do it together. It is a dance worth learning in case this is the root of your dissatisfaction. She may be doing something that she thought turns you on and repeats it over and over but it is all wrong for you. So unless you say something you may be stuck in that situation. My ex-husband only told me after a year that I was the most horrible kisser he ever met...I never knew until then.

[sparkeler]

Can you ejaculate by yourself?  You may have anxiety issue that is keeping you from climaxing with your girlfriend.  Maybe you can turn on a porn whil you are being intimate.  If that's not something you or are her are not comfortable with, maybe you could see a sex therapist or buy some self help books.  Good luck!