Aa
blackouts
Hello.
I am a twenty eight year old woman and have been married for over five years now. We have three children together and and two from previous relationships. My husband is an average, hard working man and a decent father. However, I don't feel that we've ever had a real relationship. Without getting into gory details he has been mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally abusive to me. I don't want to be intimate with him, I guess I just don't any desire for him anymore. He of course still wants it, and always initiates. Which is where the problem lies. I never remember having sex. I remember everything until that point. Going to bed, conversations, kids waking up in the night, using the bathroom, but I black out the sex. He's woken up in the morning saying how amazing it was, while I'm wondering why I'm naked. If I was awake, at least I could fight him. I am terrified of getting pregnant again! I can't take birth control, it turns me into a raving *****. He says he uses condoms, but the last baby, only he planned. He knows I won't disrupt my childrens' lives by divorcing him and as long as I'm pregnant he owns me. He keeps saying he's going to have a vasectomy, but hasn't made any action to that affect. So I guess my question is what is wrong with me and how do I fix it?? I can't find any information anywhere on the internet. Doesn't any else in the world have this issue? I would be grateful for any advice and or information. Thank you...
I am a twenty eight year old woman and have been married for over five years now. We have three children together and and two from previous relationships. My husband is an average, hard working man and a decent father. However, I don't feel that we've ever had a real relationship. Without getting into gory details he has been mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally abusive to me. I don't want to be intimate with him, I guess I just don't any desire for him anymore. He of course still wants it, and always initiates. Which is where the problem lies. I never remember having sex. I remember everything until that point. Going to bed, conversations, kids waking up in the night, using the bathroom, but I black out the sex. He's woken up in the morning saying how amazing it was, while I'm wondering why I'm naked. If I was awake, at least I could fight him. I am terrified of getting pregnant again! I can't take birth control, it turns me into a raving *****. He says he uses condoms, but the last baby, only he planned. He knows I won't disrupt my childrens' lives by divorcing him and as long as I'm pregnant he owns me. He keeps saying he's going to have a vasectomy, but hasn't made any action to that affect. So I guess my question is what is wrong with me and how do I fix it?? I can't find any information anywhere on the internet. Doesn't any else in the world have this issue? I would be grateful for any advice and or information. Thank you...
WOW. I read what you had written and that's all I could think. The blurb from the Cleveland Clinic is so exact. Why couldn't I find this on the web? I will definately be researching this further. Thank you so much!
You made an excellent point concerning my babies. I certainly don't want my daughter (who is always, it seems, the one that wakes in the night to witness our fights) to grow up thinking that this is what is expected out of a marriage. You are quite right in pointing out that it's as much, if not more, their problem than it is ours. I don't think she's witnessed anything that's occurred in the bedroom. Still, at four years old, it breaks my heart to hear some of the things she tells me in the morning. The two youngest, at 1 and 2 and a half are too small to really know what's going on. They just react to the mood, so I try very hard to make everything happy and ok for them. My oldest son actively hates him. But I don't think it has anything to do with the state of the marriage, just the fact that my husband is an ignorant jerk to him. It isn't often that a kind word is spoken. I don't think he's ever hugged him or told him that he loves him. It's a huge source of guilt that I've provided such an inadequate father figure for him, but before we were married they were great together. And my step-daughter is only here every other weekend.
My mother, whom I tell a minimum amount to, has told me to leave him for years. She sees that he does his best to manipulate and control me. She sees how unhappy I am. She has told me that she fears she'll see me on Fox news some day after he kills me in a jealous rage. I laughed when she said it, but in a way I can kind of see it. He's so paranoid that I'm cheating on him. It's a daily interrogation. Did you talk to this person today? Who came into your work? You want this person, don't you. Have you ever been with this person? etc.etc.etc. EVERY DAY. Shortly after we were married, I confided in him a bit of my history, that I was molested as a child and violently raped by a black man as a teenager. I'm not sure what reaction I expected at the time, but what he said was "You lied to me. I can't have been the biggest d*** you've ever had if you've been with a black guy." Needless to say I was crushed. He continued to harp at me and belittle me for 'lying to him' until I was in tears. He's felt between my legs when I got home from work to see how wet I am to see if I've had sex. He's even gone so far as to wrestle me to the ground to get my cell phone out of my hand so that he could check the history. I am not a weak willed person!! I fought him, but he's much bigger than I am. I eventually lost, but he had a couple bruises to show for it. Which is deplorable on my part, I know. And he's made sure that everyone has seen the marks I've left on him. But what they don't know is that he's smart enough not to leave marks when he grabs me by the throat or slams me against walls or shoves me.
So, yeah, I can see why my brain is being dissociative. Does therapy really help? What do you do in therapy? I guess I've always just seen it as a band-aid to make you feel better...
I don't know. I don't think he's mean, I just push his buttons. I'm a smart ***. I way too independent to be married, I think. When he cries and begs forgiveness, I do think it's sincere. I know that his family is important to him and that he would be lost without his kids. And there are times when he tries really hard to make me happy. He'll pick up the house when I'm at work in the evenings, or hang the curtain rod that i've been asking him to. Or try really hard to be kind to my nine year old son, whom he usually doesn't get along with. He knows that's of utmost importance to me. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to discern if there is a redeemable person beneath all the things I hate about him.
Thank you again for the information and for taking the time to write. I would love to speak with you more if you have the time.... You seem to be quite wise in this area, with much advice to impart.
You made an excellent point concerning my babies. I certainly don't want my daughter (who is always, it seems, the one that wakes in the night to witness our fights) to grow up thinking that this is what is expected out of a marriage. You are quite right in pointing out that it's as much, if not more, their problem than it is ours. I don't think she's witnessed anything that's occurred in the bedroom. Still, at four years old, it breaks my heart to hear some of the things she tells me in the morning. The two youngest, at 1 and 2 and a half are too small to really know what's going on. They just react to the mood, so I try very hard to make everything happy and ok for them. My oldest son actively hates him. But I don't think it has anything to do with the state of the marriage, just the fact that my husband is an ignorant jerk to him. It isn't often that a kind word is spoken. I don't think he's ever hugged him or told him that he loves him. It's a huge source of guilt that I've provided such an inadequate father figure for him, but before we were married they were great together. And my step-daughter is only here every other weekend.
My mother, whom I tell a minimum amount to, has told me to leave him for years. She sees that he does his best to manipulate and control me. She sees how unhappy I am. She has told me that she fears she'll see me on Fox news some day after he kills me in a jealous rage. I laughed when she said it, but in a way I can kind of see it. He's so paranoid that I'm cheating on him. It's a daily interrogation. Did you talk to this person today? Who came into your work? You want this person, don't you. Have you ever been with this person? etc.etc.etc. EVERY DAY. Shortly after we were married, I confided in him a bit of my history, that I was molested as a child and violently raped by a black man as a teenager. I'm not sure what reaction I expected at the time, but what he said was "You lied to me. I can't have been the biggest d*** you've ever had if you've been with a black guy." Needless to say I was crushed. He continued to harp at me and belittle me for 'lying to him' until I was in tears. He's felt between my legs when I got home from work to see how wet I am to see if I've had sex. He's even gone so far as to wrestle me to the ground to get my cell phone out of my hand so that he could check the history. I am not a weak willed person!! I fought him, but he's much bigger than I am. I eventually lost, but he had a couple bruises to show for it. Which is deplorable on my part, I know. And he's made sure that everyone has seen the marks I've left on him. But what they don't know is that he's smart enough not to leave marks when he grabs me by the throat or slams me against walls or shoves me.
So, yeah, I can see why my brain is being dissociative. Does therapy really help? What do you do in therapy? I guess I've always just seen it as a band-aid to make you feel better...
I don't know. I don't think he's mean, I just push his buttons. I'm a smart ***. I way too independent to be married, I think. When he cries and begs forgiveness, I do think it's sincere. I know that his family is important to him and that he would be lost without his kids. And there are times when he tries really hard to make me happy. He'll pick up the house when I'm at work in the evenings, or hang the curtain rod that i've been asking him to. Or try really hard to be kind to my nine year old son, whom he usually doesn't get along with. He knows that's of utmost importance to me. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to discern if there is a redeemable person beneath all the things I hate about him.
Thank you again for the information and for taking the time to write. I would love to speak with you more if you have the time.... You seem to be quite wise in this area, with much advice to impart.
Thank you for your help.... I really do look forward to hearing more of what you have to say. Regarding professional assistance, I live in a small town. Most of the doctors here are also my clients. I think it would seriously negatively impact my reputation and income were my 'dirty laundry' to be aired. I far prefer the annonymity of the internet.
"There is nothing wrong with you. What your experiencing is caused from being traumatized."
I am confident that I have information and familuarity from my personal experiences that I would really enjoy passing some helpfulls your way.
I am a bit concerned about what you descibed as your current circumstances and I know that you need someone who can relate to the intense level that you are traumatzed. It will be a challenge for you as it was for me to find a trauma speciallist. I also would like to pass on some of the helpful coping stratiges at least the ones that I found myself grateful having.
Trauma is not a joke it's not a easy one two three - 'healing' is a challenging process.
The very first concern I have is in regards to your level of acceptance is.
So the question is:
Do you believe that you have been traumatized to the degree that it is a high possibily that you will require a health care professional to aid you in your recovery?
I will let you in on the medical term for the "Black Outs" that result in gaps of lost memory.
With your experience of having 'Black Outs' have you ever had events (Otherwise Blacked Out)described to you and how events they had unfolded and recall something akeen to what you know is memory recall alike to what is nnormal?
Have you recovered any even in the tiniest memory of a event but it did not
feel like what you know is your normal memory recall?
I am very familuar with a range of various aspects of trauma related conditions - theraputic options - psychology basics and I was just getting started.
I sure hope you will check back and we won't miss each-other.
There is so much more that I've organized to post here, but I wanted to post this short and simple first so to make sure you are going to wind up checking back to this forum.
Please do take as much solace as you can in You are not alone. I have experience gaps of lost memory also, we have different 'stress antagonizes' but we also didn't have exposure to the same experiences.
Take care of you and yours
Never give up, Never give in, Just chose to win! (C)
BStrong
I am confident that I have information and familuarity from my personal experiences that I would really enjoy passing some helpfulls your way.
I am a bit concerned about what you descibed as your current circumstances and I know that you need someone who can relate to the intense level that you are traumatzed. It will be a challenge for you as it was for me to find a trauma speciallist. I also would like to pass on some of the helpful coping stratiges at least the ones that I found myself grateful having.
Trauma is not a joke it's not a easy one two three - 'healing' is a challenging process.
The very first concern I have is in regards to your level of acceptance is.
So the question is:
Do you believe that you have been traumatized to the degree that it is a high possibily that you will require a health care professional to aid you in your recovery?
I will let you in on the medical term for the "Black Outs" that result in gaps of lost memory.
With your experience of having 'Black Outs' have you ever had events (Otherwise Blacked Out)described to you and how events they had unfolded and recall something akeen to what you know is memory recall alike to what is nnormal?
Have you recovered any even in the tiniest memory of a event but it did not
feel like what you know is your normal memory recall?
I am very familuar with a range of various aspects of trauma related conditions - theraputic options - psychology basics and I was just getting started.
I sure hope you will check back and we won't miss each-other.
There is so much more that I've organized to post here, but I wanted to post this short and simple first so to make sure you are going to wind up checking back to this forum.
Please do take as much solace as you can in You are not alone. I have experience gaps of lost memory also, we have different 'stress antagonizes' but we also didn't have exposure to the same experiences.
Take care of you and yours
Never give up, Never give in, Just chose to win! (C)
BStrong
well as far as birth control issues go, if you feel that way then other solutions should be sought. Frankly, from your description it sounds like your not an unwilling partner, but are psychologically blocking out your precipitation of the act. The other possibility in my opinion is that he might be drugging you. If your not being dragged, how possible is it that he can undress you and have sex with you without you waking? Another rare but possible cause is the phenomenon known as sleep sex, which is like sleep walking but you know what, that your Id is asserting itself and acting out these impulses while it has control. Im not a psyc major so i hope the forum psychologist steps in and comments with her opinion.
You do not want to have anymore children and you know he isnt going to get the snip, and i assume your not interested in at least trying modern tricyclic birth control, so your down to an IUD or getting the snip yourself.
Your in an abusive relationship and dont want to get out of it, frankly, I think that is a major mistake. I dont think he will be changing any time soon. It also isnt really realistic to expect a man to live with no sex if his libido is high, especially since from his prospective your willing and enjoying it, blackouts non the less. Your lack of desire for him seems to be rooted in the psychological effect of his abusiveness, it sounds like you have no love for him, do you REALLY think this is going to work for the long term? I cant see it happening. Since evidently you have some sort of major psychological issue causing these blackouts, i hope you seek therapy ASAP.
Provera is medroxy-progesterone, an old birth control pill and is also in the form of depo-provera which is a 3 month form of birth control. It is used in men to chemically castrate in the event of deviant behavior or medical reasons. I was joking in its use, it can cause health problems because it lowers the male testosterone level and takes the libido out, it can cause bone loss, depression, mood swings, loss of aggression, loss of assertiveness, muscle aches, diabetes, and a whole host of other problems. Your husband is physically and sexually abusive but it would be entirely unethical to recommend such a course of action without his own request, not to mention since oraly it would take a pill every day and it sounds like he is out alot. I meant it as a joke and dont want to really give you bad ideas, being in pharm chem we tend to joke about using pharmaceutical solutions for life problems, this isn't one of them.
You do not want to have anymore children and you know he isnt going to get the snip, and i assume your not interested in at least trying modern tricyclic birth control, so your down to an IUD or getting the snip yourself.
Your in an abusive relationship and dont want to get out of it, frankly, I think that is a major mistake. I dont think he will be changing any time soon. It also isnt really realistic to expect a man to live with no sex if his libido is high, especially since from his prospective your willing and enjoying it, blackouts non the less. Your lack of desire for him seems to be rooted in the psychological effect of his abusiveness, it sounds like you have no love for him, do you REALLY think this is going to work for the long term? I cant see it happening. Since evidently you have some sort of major psychological issue causing these blackouts, i hope you seek therapy ASAP.
Provera is medroxy-progesterone, an old birth control pill and is also in the form of depo-provera which is a 3 month form of birth control. It is used in men to chemically castrate in the event of deviant behavior or medical reasons. I was joking in its use, it can cause health problems because it lowers the male testosterone level and takes the libido out, it can cause bone loss, depression, mood swings, loss of aggression, loss of assertiveness, muscle aches, diabetes, and a whole host of other problems. Your husband is physically and sexually abusive but it would be entirely unethical to recommend such a course of action without his own request, not to mention since oraly it would take a pill every day and it sounds like he is out alot. I meant it as a joke and dont want to really give you bad ideas, being in pharm chem we tend to joke about using pharmaceutical solutions for life problems, this isn't one of them.
And, btw, donb-fl, why should I mutilate my body because some body refuses to control theirs?
wait... so what is this provera?? And will it kill his lobito or just kill HIM?! LOL!
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Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
