Aa
change in sexual attitude
I am a male, 50 years of age and come from a small family with only one sister.My mother was very dominant and sufffered from "moods"for which she unsuccessfully was treated by a psychiatrist.I never get maternal trust or intimacy and always was kept under severe emotional pressure and distrust; my 5 years older sister cooperated "gladly".Sometimes I get physically abused.As a teenager I had difficulties in getting relationship with girls; the mere thought of intimacy made me nervous and literally "sweaty".My first sexual encounters mainly consisted of visiting prostitutes;gradually I overcame my inadequate attitude and discovered to engage in "normal" relationships.During two decades I became a "master" in one-night stands and short sexual encounters and I had sex with approx. more than two thousand women.I increasingly got "bored" after having sex a few times with a woman and realised I was only seeking the sexual "thrill"at swinger-party's etc. Even having sex with several women a night made me feel emotional empty and dissatisfied.Recently I try to invest in lasting relationship but I notice that my old "incorporated" behaviour is preventing me from doing so. Now for the first time in my life I met a woman who is able to give me love, trust, and I feel very comfortable with her and consider her to be the "love of my life".Needless to say I don't want to lose her but this exactly is my profound fear that this will happen and I will lose my sexual "appetite" in her rapidly.This would devastate me and I am in need of your advice how to prevent this from happening. thanks!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Well old habits die hard, so it's good to meet this head on. As you noted, that even someone as sexually experienced as you can get tired of just racking up bodies as trophies. Sex as sport is fun- but it isn't very often relationship material. Now that you have someone who is special to you- you need to wean yourself away from quantity and am for quality in a sexual relationship.
Think of it this way. One of the things that makes this relationship special is that there is an intensity of feeling and meeting of hearts and minds as well as bodies. If you have sex with someone else it will not only put your relationship at risk if she finds out- but having other experiences will reduce the intensity and intimacy of the relationship. You will be undermining your love for each other and that alone is a cost you don't want to bear.
Don't put yourself in harm's way. Do most of your partying and socializing together. If you see an attractive woman, stay away. Lust is a very persuasive emotion=don't give it a chance to get traction.
If you still feel like you are going to be unfaithful - if you feel really weak- then you need to invest some money in a therapist. If you know that you are about to do self destructive behavior, you need an professional with authority and empathy who can be there to bolster your resolve to be monogamous. A therapist can help you identify what motives are pushing you and unravel how your childhood or parents may have helped you create a sexual pattern that is not longer giving you more pleasure than potential pain.
If you find that you have low self esteem and a sexual appetite that only thrives on the next "new"-conquest you have some sserious personal challenges to solve.Don't try and solve them all by yourself. If you can afford to, find a therapist. You may need some back up emotional strength and discipline and a theapist can help you find some. In the long run, you need to shore up your self esteem and find out why you are using sex for validation. Do this before something happens and you have a lot of damage to your relationship.
Think of it this way. One of the things that makes this relationship special is that there is an intensity of feeling and meeting of hearts and minds as well as bodies. If you have sex with someone else it will not only put your relationship at risk if she finds out- but having other experiences will reduce the intensity and intimacy of the relationship. You will be undermining your love for each other and that alone is a cost you don't want to bear.
Don't put yourself in harm's way. Do most of your partying and socializing together. If you see an attractive woman, stay away. Lust is a very persuasive emotion=don't give it a chance to get traction.
If you still feel like you are going to be unfaithful - if you feel really weak- then you need to invest some money in a therapist. If you know that you are about to do self destructive behavior, you need an professional with authority and empathy who can be there to bolster your resolve to be monogamous. A therapist can help you identify what motives are pushing you and unravel how your childhood or parents may have helped you create a sexual pattern that is not longer giving you more pleasure than potential pain.
If you find that you have low self esteem and a sexual appetite that only thrives on the next "new"-conquest you have some sserious personal challenges to solve.Don't try and solve them all by yourself. If you can afford to, find a therapist. You may need some back up emotional strength and discipline and a theapist can help you find some. In the long run, you need to shore up your self esteem and find out why you are using sex for validation. Do this before something happens and you have a lot of damage to your relationship.
I feel very sad that this has happend to you...and I also know other men whose mothers have messed them up good. I think that you have had so many women,not because you thought it fun or sport,but because you were scared of a woman treating you as your mother did. You wanted the connection,but were scared to get too close.
I think it is a good thing you reached out for help.And I think if you do get therapy,you could really finally get rid of all those pent emotions your mom caused you and learn to have a normal,loving relationship with a woman. You were abused and should not be judged for how it effected you.
Remember when you are in therapy to ask the therapist on ways to keep your sexual relationship with your new girlfriend exciting.Because you have never been in a long term relationship,you wont know it's normal when the sex dies down some (as it does in every relationship.The sex is great and then slowly tapers off~but can still be very fulfilling if you make the effort)
You may even find though,that sex is better with your girlfriend,because once you can trust her you will open up and relax and enjoysex that much more.
I think in some ways I was like you,but the female version. I had some childhood issues and was somewhat promiscuous. I also had that emptiness.Then I met my husband,who is the first person I have ever really opened up to,and it doesnt even compare to before.Best of luck to you...
I think it is a good thing you reached out for help.And I think if you do get therapy,you could really finally get rid of all those pent emotions your mom caused you and learn to have a normal,loving relationship with a woman. You were abused and should not be judged for how it effected you.
Remember when you are in therapy to ask the therapist on ways to keep your sexual relationship with your new girlfriend exciting.Because you have never been in a long term relationship,you wont know it's normal when the sex dies down some (as it does in every relationship.The sex is great and then slowly tapers off~but can still be very fulfilling if you make the effort)
You may even find though,that sex is better with your girlfriend,because once you can trust her you will open up and relax and enjoysex that much more.
I think in some ways I was like you,but the female version. I had some childhood issues and was somewhat promiscuous. I also had that emptiness.Then I met my husband,who is the first person I have ever really opened up to,and it doesnt even compare to before.Best of luck to you...
It is so hard to change our behavior as adults but counselling should help you. Half the battle is admitting you ahve a problem. How sad for you that you want to have a lasting relationship yet this behavior stops you. I have a friend with a very similar life experience of many many women and no long term attachments. He says the same thing, he fears becoming "bored" sexually with her so in his lifetime ( he is 51) he has been with literally hundreds of women. He is still a single guy but now can't attract so many women as he used to so he can't "feed the machine" like he used to to help him ignore his problem. He is the loneliest person I know. In all those sexual encounters he was not once able to form an attachment. I have known him since childhood and I know his negative childhood plays a big part in it. His father was a philanderer and a mean SOB to boot. You have a lot of courage to bring this up in a forum like this and that courage will help you face this and overcome it. I sure hope so. I also hope the relationship with the woman you are now interested in works out. I have been married for over 25 years and I GUARANTEE YOU that sex can be top notch with the same person and not the least bit boring. The more you love someone, the more rewarding your sexual relationship can be. Also your high trust level can make you both more willing to try new things that might never occur with a short term partner. All long term happily married people will tell you the sex is far better than when they were single. that is the secret of long term relationships,we have more sex and better sex than the singletons do. Best of luck to you.
Bealus -- please forgive the judgmental attitude of some posters in this forum. I admire your honestly and courage in sharing your problem.
The doctor should answer you shortly but until then, as a mental health counselor, I urge you to get yourself into counseling immediately. Sexual therapy counseling isn't what you need at this point. As another poster noted, you need psychological counseling to deal with what is at the root of your relationship issues -- your abusive childhood. You should be able to find a therapist willing to work with both you and your girlfriend, meaning both individual and couple's counseling, but individual counseling must be a priority at this point. Your fears of sabatoging your relationship are very valid, considering your history. Counseling is the answer. And please don't give up if you see one or two counselors and don't feel a connection....keep seeking until you find one you're comfortable with. Best of luck and feel free to keep us posted.
Intrigue
The doctor should answer you shortly but until then, as a mental health counselor, I urge you to get yourself into counseling immediately. Sexual therapy counseling isn't what you need at this point. As another poster noted, you need psychological counseling to deal with what is at the root of your relationship issues -- your abusive childhood. You should be able to find a therapist willing to work with both you and your girlfriend, meaning both individual and couple's counseling, but individual counseling must be a priority at this point. Your fears of sabatoging your relationship are very valid, considering your history. Counseling is the answer. And please don't give up if you see one or two counselors and don't feel a connection....keep seeking until you find one you're comfortable with. Best of luck and feel free to keep us posted.
Intrigue
I agree. There are alot of people on this forum who are so judgemental. I always try to be as objective as I can when reading these posts and offer any help. We are all humans and all of us have skeletons in our closet. I'm no angel and I've made many many mistakes and have problems that I try to address and seek help for. I would hate for someone to label me. I think thats why alot of people bottle up their feelings and are affraid to talk.
It's so sad when people try and inflict their so called morals on others who are just searching for answers on how to deal with their personal issues. It's obviously affecting them enough to come to this sight.
It's so sad when people try and inflict their so called morals on others who are just searching for answers on how to deal with their personal issues. It's obviously affecting them enough to come to this sight.
speaking from experience i didn't find it easy putting my problem up on here mainly cos i really don't want people to judge and pigeon hole me. when we're talking about our desires and feelings when they're translated into facts and figures it can be pretty scary, but they are 2 different things. i admire anyones honesty here but maybe some care should be taken in it's delivery. all anyone wants to do is help, cos if any of these problems arise from low self esteem lets not make that worse....
therapy is definatly in order. your problem sounds like you need more than sex therapy. your problems stem from issues in your childhood i am guessing. you sound like you are very in love with this woman and i think its great you are reaching out its the first step. you know when you are in love and monogomous and in a long term relationship, the sex is better. the love and intimacy is more than you can imagine. you will fix this but you have to do the work. good luck
I think you should answer his questions in an objective manner. He didn't ask how many woman per day he slept with. He wanted advice on how to cope with his aknowledged problem. Why are there so many people so quick to judge? Walk a mile in another person's shoes or shut up!
Please go see a sex thereapist. They work with all sorts of sexual problems. From everything to fear of intimacy, to lack of sexual desire to sexual overdrive. This relationship your in sounds IMPORTANT. Not only will you thank yourself in the long run for realizing your problems and saving what was worth to you but it will probably make her feel extremely special. I know I would if someone was willing to get help for the sake of being with me.
Yes, please keep us posted. It will be rewarding to learn of your progress!
Thanks a lot for your heartwarming reaction; I was very touched by your empathy and understanding; and your comments(and from sparkeler)alone made it worthwile to decide to openly discuss my problem.
I too feel that my behaviour is "linked" to my abusive childhood but somehow I can't "re-program" myself and I certainly take your suggestion about counselling serious.
To me it's so rewarding to know that there are really people out there with compassion who mean well, give advice and try to help!
I too feel that my behaviour is "linked" to my abusive childhood but somehow I can't "re-program" myself and I certainly take your suggestion about counselling serious.
To me it's so rewarding to know that there are really people out there with compassion who mean well, give advice and try to help!
That's 3.65 women every day for 20 years straight. That's either a severe problem, or a gross exaggeration. Either way, it's an issue. Do "the love of your life" a favor and get into therapy for a few years before encouraging her to "trust" you. It's not fair to her.
La gave him an answer. To get therapy. I totally, 100% agree.
sparkler she didnt judge she said that because of that issue he needs some therapy. you werent very nice to tell la to shut up. kinda childish dont you think? the answer has nothing to do with you.
He's aknowledged he has a problem. No need to say it again. He was looking for advice. Therapy!
Unfortunately by your "contribution" the emphasis is more on numbers which I regret very much as you got it wrong, and you seem to have missed some basic lessons on math!
Do the calculation the easy way: say, just to keep it simple say a year has 50 weeks multiplied by two decades(20 years)= 1000 weeks. I had sex with approx. 2000 women in a period of 1000 weeks or to put it in words 2 encounters per week.
So how you could make such a big mistake? I figured it out:
you multiplied 20 years times 365 days(total number of DAYS = 7300); divided by 2000(number of WOMEN) and came up with 3,65 no arguement about that. But what does this then MEAN: the average time in days between to encounters is 3,65 days; or to put simple(see above)approx. 2 encounters per week.
Maybe next time you should be more carefull when presenting figures and understand what they mean!
Do the calculation the easy way: say, just to keep it simple say a year has 50 weeks multiplied by two decades(20 years)= 1000 weeks. I had sex with approx. 2000 women in a period of 1000 weeks or to put it in words 2 encounters per week.
So how you could make such a big mistake? I figured it out:
you multiplied 20 years times 365 days(total number of DAYS = 7300); divided by 2000(number of WOMEN) and came up with 3,65 no arguement about that. But what does this then MEAN: the average time in days between to encounters is 3,65 days; or to put simple(see above)approx. 2 encounters per week.
Maybe next time you should be more carefull when presenting figures and understand what they mean!
you know those particular math figures arent the question. her response was basically stating how therapy is needed if he really did sleep with that many women. too bad there isnt a smart@ss board here you'd riegn king!
Yes, you must seek expert professional advice from a sex therapist immediately. Be as honest and direct as you have been here giving as much imformation as possible. I wouldnt imagine all of your sexual activity was protected so if you havent already get yourself tested. Good luck!
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