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hubby doesnt like oral sex
please someone try to help me. my husband doesnt like oral sex. initially i couldnt believe it. he not only doesnt like giving it he hates getting blow jobs.(hes a guy!!) after awhile in our two yr marriage,after talkin about it many times n gettin no answers from him .we finally had some really big fights n i insisted on the reasons. his reasons are he cant put his face and tongue where i take a **** from its too sick for him. same goes for why he doesnt wana get it from me . he says it just seems extremely unhygenic to him and secondly im his wife and he says he doesnt like seeing me sucking on him .he things its a degrading act and it makes him think how disgusting it is, how unattractive i look with his penis in my mouth, how disrespectful an act it is . it looks like something prostitutes n whores do.
i love oral sex , giving and getting. wat should i do?
i love oral sex , giving and getting. wat should i do?
I have the same problem, despite of all that I have been through with this man to top it off it also seems like he doesnt want to give me oral while I am the one that does it all the time.
Sorry about the weird typos in my post. It seems medhelp turn apostrophes into Euro signs!
Hello,
Can I gatecrash this thread as well? Having read it in some detail, I am struck with the similarities between Jessica's and That one dude's and Charles2's stories and my own. I'm afraid I don't have much to suggest to them since nearly everything I've tried in the
Can I gatecrash this thread as well? Having read it in some detail, I am struck with the similarities between Jessica's and That one dude's and Charles2's stories and my own. I'm afraid I don't have much to suggest to them since nearly everything I've tried in the
With the greatest of respect Vivian, I was responding to Jessica's marital problem. If I was a cute single twenty-eight year old, I know what I would do. All I can say is, sort this problem out before you get married and have kids. You jeopardise spending the rest of your life feeling guilty and unhappy. I could badger my wife into oral (and have)
i am 28 years old,female, attractive, and cute. i have a great personality, im smart, and i am sexy.
so whats my problem?
MY BOYFRIEND DOES NOT LIKE TO GIVE ME ORAL SEX.
that felt really good to admit....for years i thought something was wrong with me. i mean, what guy didnt like pleasing his woman? well i found him.
he says its "gross", but ITS OK FOR ME TO GIVE HIM ORAL SEX..but i dont anymore. and he obviously understands why. so now, we are having no foreplay hardly, which means i dont get wet, which means sex is painful.
i have talked about this to him many times. he does give me oral sex when he "feels like it". and that is usually when hes drunk..which is not often.
what do i do? i am on the verge of cheating..just for some f'ing pleasure. i conciously do not want to cheat..i know the guilt i will feel and i am a stupid woman who fell "in love" so there are strong feelings there. i feel backed into a corner and i really feel rejected. on paper, i would tell me to get rid of him and move on...hello! im 28! but heres my quesiton: do i tell him im leaving because he doensnt like to go downtown? that sounds like something from a movie. but do i say that?
so whats my problem?
MY BOYFRIEND DOES NOT LIKE TO GIVE ME ORAL SEX.
that felt really good to admit....for years i thought something was wrong with me. i mean, what guy didnt like pleasing his woman? well i found him.
he says its "gross", but ITS OK FOR ME TO GIVE HIM ORAL SEX..but i dont anymore. and he obviously understands why. so now, we are having no foreplay hardly, which means i dont get wet, which means sex is painful.
i have talked about this to him many times. he does give me oral sex when he "feels like it". and that is usually when hes drunk..which is not often.
what do i do? i am on the verge of cheating..just for some f'ing pleasure. i conciously do not want to cheat..i know the guilt i will feel and i am a stupid woman who fell "in love" so there are strong feelings there. i feel backed into a corner and i really feel rejected. on paper, i would tell me to get rid of him and move on...hello! im 28! but heres my quesiton: do i tell him im leaving because he doensnt like to go downtown? that sounds like something from a movie. but do i say that?
I really feel for you. I know how frustrated you must feel because I feel that way nearly every night. Oral sex is highly intimate. It
ok so heres the update.
i saved this page to my favourites on my computer, hoping and praying that my boyfriend will see it and maybe if he reads the comments and see how awful it can make people feel ...is that awful of me?
but ive tried everything, i have tried talking to him and i have even offered that we go to counselling!
he wont budge.
i saved this page to my favourites on my computer, hoping and praying that my boyfriend will see it and maybe if he reads the comments and see how awful it can make people feel ...is that awful of me?
but ive tried everything, i have tried talking to him and i have even offered that we go to counselling!
he wont budge.
Sorry for the screen name mix-up on that last post. I had to laugh when I read what I wrote. I knew you knew who I meant, luckily!
If I could ever dig my way out of job related paper work, I could wrap my head around this better for you. My mode tonight is more into rambling as this thread has made me do a lot of thinking...and, frankly, that can be painful at times, but necessary none-the-less.
Your post makes perfect sense. From my understanding, you represent almost all men in regards to feeling desired and lusted after...absolutely. I think your point is very valid there. I also hear you have a great deal of respect for your wife, yet you are definitely at an impass.
I remember there was a show on Dr. Phil (sorry if you are not a fan of his, but at times her makes perfect, blunt sense) once where the problem presented was yours exactly. Love, honor, respect...all there...great looking, fine, grounded couple...but, "please," said the husband..."just once in awhile could we have some oral sex where I am the recepient." For what it's worth, Phil was on the side of the husband and gosh I wish I could remember what he said...but even the wife agreed that she should do this for the spouse now and then.
Our problem is more about performance. My husband has problems ejaculating. It has gotten progressively worse over the past four years. He gets very frustrated as you can imagine and so he does not even want to start something...since finishing it is often not going to happen. Sexual desire has dwindled, too, over the years. If I could scream and shout from the rooftops of every house in the country, I would remind people that there are TWO people in a couple....that there IS HELP OUT THERE and IT SHOULD BE SOUGHT.
My husband did see a Urologist a few years ago. Prior to that my husbands doctor gave him some Testosterone which actually made my husband feel better but he (my husband) was only willing to try it for three months...if that. It did not help all that much regarding elaculating, but it can help in that regard and unfortunetly my spouse did not see an expert for getting treated (regarding the hormone therapy) and I think his dose was too low and that it was not tried for a long enough period. I am well-researched in hormonal therapy...so, this all made me want to pull my hair out.
The urologist did suggest a sex therapist (I referenced this in my previous post) and I have to say that it helped. Again, my spouse quit shortly after we started the sessions (felt the guy was digging up too many problems... I work in the field of psychology...the guy was not digging up problems...he was doing his job). I will say going to the sex therapist was not what I thought it would be. The therapist was very knowledgeable and helpful. There was nothing "icky" about it. I do recall saying something on our last session (which my husband forgot to attend) that my spouse did not like receiving oral sex. I thought the therapist was going to pass out. "Mary, all men like oral sex."
I am not sure where my life is going to go regarding all this. My husband brushed me off the other night when I suggested he see the person I see for hormonal balance (I had a complete hysterectomy six years ago and have to use a balance of bioidentical hormones...they are the best!)....that person suggested he come in, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Not sure my sexual interests will ever be considered. We had some fun on New Year's Eve...nice to see him interested, but no luck for him that night after trying so hard...and, that does not make it easy for him to try again, you know?
Would I leave a marriage for sexual reasons? I don't know. Is it about the sex? I wonder.
Let me know how you are doing if you care to...I hope things work out in your favor. Sounds like everything else is going well. Your comment about looking down the road with years and years of things being this way struck a chord with me. I am 53 as my screen name states...I (try to!) stay in shape, eat healthfully, stay very active outside of working full time, can carry on a conversation, and if I am having a good hair day, I don't look too bad, but....I'll tell you, if I think too hard about all of this it does make me sad...the lack of physical touch and physical expression is something I did not expect in my marriage and after well over 20 years...I am not sure how many more years I can foresee without at least good-hearted attempts at such a connection....
Keep in touch...Mary
If I could ever dig my way out of job related paper work, I could wrap my head around this better for you. My mode tonight is more into rambling as this thread has made me do a lot of thinking...and, frankly, that can be painful at times, but necessary none-the-less.
Your post makes perfect sense. From my understanding, you represent almost all men in regards to feeling desired and lusted after...absolutely. I think your point is very valid there. I also hear you have a great deal of respect for your wife, yet you are definitely at an impass.
I remember there was a show on Dr. Phil (sorry if you are not a fan of his, but at times her makes perfect, blunt sense) once where the problem presented was yours exactly. Love, honor, respect...all there...great looking, fine, grounded couple...but, "please," said the husband..."just once in awhile could we have some oral sex where I am the recepient." For what it's worth, Phil was on the side of the husband and gosh I wish I could remember what he said...but even the wife agreed that she should do this for the spouse now and then.
Our problem is more about performance. My husband has problems ejaculating. It has gotten progressively worse over the past four years. He gets very frustrated as you can imagine and so he does not even want to start something...since finishing it is often not going to happen. Sexual desire has dwindled, too, over the years. If I could scream and shout from the rooftops of every house in the country, I would remind people that there are TWO people in a couple....that there IS HELP OUT THERE and IT SHOULD BE SOUGHT.
My husband did see a Urologist a few years ago. Prior to that my husbands doctor gave him some Testosterone which actually made my husband feel better but he (my husband) was only willing to try it for three months...if that. It did not help all that much regarding elaculating, but it can help in that regard and unfortunetly my spouse did not see an expert for getting treated (regarding the hormone therapy) and I think his dose was too low and that it was not tried for a long enough period. I am well-researched in hormonal therapy...so, this all made me want to pull my hair out.
The urologist did suggest a sex therapist (I referenced this in my previous post) and I have to say that it helped. Again, my spouse quit shortly after we started the sessions (felt the guy was digging up too many problems... I work in the field of psychology...the guy was not digging up problems...he was doing his job). I will say going to the sex therapist was not what I thought it would be. The therapist was very knowledgeable and helpful. There was nothing "icky" about it. I do recall saying something on our last session (which my husband forgot to attend) that my spouse did not like receiving oral sex. I thought the therapist was going to pass out. "Mary, all men like oral sex."
I am not sure where my life is going to go regarding all this. My husband brushed me off the other night when I suggested he see the person I see for hormonal balance (I had a complete hysterectomy six years ago and have to use a balance of bioidentical hormones...they are the best!)....that person suggested he come in, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Not sure my sexual interests will ever be considered. We had some fun on New Year's Eve...nice to see him interested, but no luck for him that night after trying so hard...and, that does not make it easy for him to try again, you know?
Would I leave a marriage for sexual reasons? I don't know. Is it about the sex? I wonder.
Let me know how you are doing if you care to...I hope things work out in your favor. Sounds like everything else is going well. Your comment about looking down the road with years and years of things being this way struck a chord with me. I am 53 as my screen name states...I (try to!) stay in shape, eat healthfully, stay very active outside of working full time, can carry on a conversation, and if I am having a good hair day, I don't look too bad, but....I'll tell you, if I think too hard about all of this it does make me sad...the lack of physical touch and physical expression is something I did not expect in my marriage and after well over 20 years...I am not sure how many more years I can foresee without at least good-hearted attempts at such a connection....
Keep in touch...Mary
Thanks for the kudo's Mary. I look forward to hearing from you further. I'm pleased to hear that the doors haven't been entirely shut between you and your husband, and I hope you can find a way to capitalize on any opportunity to discuss the situation positively with him. But I concur that it is difficult to discuss. There is a lot of faith one entrusts to someone in being honest about one's sexual needs.
I sometimes wonder why I have such a difficult time broaching the subject with my wife, considering that I feel truly fortunate regarding trust between us. I've seen trust issues in the relationships of my friends and aquaintances, but can't say that it is a problem between my wife and I.
I think the problem (ironically) is respect... Too much of it. I respect that she is not into giving head, and genuinely would not be turned on if I sense she is performing it out of obligation. I think I may have been spoiled in a past relationship, in that I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get enough of it and was quite skilled. I've thought on this and come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the physical act of the BJ that is so important, as the feeling of being lusted for. The ex-girlfriend always actively lusted for me, which does wonders for one's libido and by extention (pun intended) one's reciprocal performance.
I have absolutely no doubts about my wife's love for me, but in retrospect, I can't say I've ever felt like she lusted for me. She likes sex, but she seems to have the impression that she's doing her part to please me by letting me have my way with her, when in fact I'd be far more turned on by letting her have her way with me... That make sense?
So maybe it's not so much about receiving head from her, as a more general desire to feel... Well, desired... Where I think receiving oral sex is the most obvious expression of that. The ex-girlfriend always made me feel like a sex god, while for all her excellent qualities, the wife leaves me feeling like a tool...
I don't know what the source of that is. I'm not an unattractive guy (please excuse a little immodesty), and I'm fairly sure she finds me so, I think perhaps she has more general issues of sexual expression. When we first got together, she wasn't into sex at all, and I had to spend a lot of time and effort coaxing her to the point of enjoying sex (once I gave her her first big-O, her attitude took a dramatic turn for the better). Oral sex saved the day then, and I believe it could save the day now, but I'm not sure how to prompt that to happen. Back then it was solved by my taking the initiative, but now it relies on her taking the initiative.
I dunno...
I sometimes wonder why I have such a difficult time broaching the subject with my wife, considering that I feel truly fortunate regarding trust between us. I've seen trust issues in the relationships of my friends and aquaintances, but can't say that it is a problem between my wife and I.
I think the problem (ironically) is respect... Too much of it. I respect that she is not into giving head, and genuinely would not be turned on if I sense she is performing it out of obligation. I think I may have been spoiled in a past relationship, in that I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get enough of it and was quite skilled. I've thought on this and come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the physical act of the BJ that is so important, as the feeling of being lusted for. The ex-girlfriend always actively lusted for me, which does wonders for one's libido and by extention (pun intended) one's reciprocal performance.
I have absolutely no doubts about my wife's love for me, but in retrospect, I can't say I've ever felt like she lusted for me. She likes sex, but she seems to have the impression that she's doing her part to please me by letting me have my way with her, when in fact I'd be far more turned on by letting her have her way with me... That make sense?
So maybe it's not so much about receiving head from her, as a more general desire to feel... Well, desired... Where I think receiving oral sex is the most obvious expression of that. The ex-girlfriend always made me feel like a sex god, while for all her excellent qualities, the wife leaves me feeling like a tool...
I don't know what the source of that is. I'm not an unattractive guy (please excuse a little immodesty), and I'm fairly sure she finds me so, I think perhaps she has more general issues of sexual expression. When we first got together, she wasn't into sex at all, and I had to spend a lot of time and effort coaxing her to the point of enjoying sex (once I gave her her first big-O, her attitude took a dramatic turn for the better). Oral sex saved the day then, and I believe it could save the day now, but I'm not sure how to prompt that to happen. Back then it was solved by my taking the initiative, but now it relies on her taking the initiative.
I dunno...
Hey, it is late, but I just wanted to comment on this last post. Well written and thoughtful...that is my opinion. I feel for you. And, I appreciate your honestly and I appreciated your post.
Actually, the doors were not totally shut regarding discussions with my spouse about the sexual state of our marriage, but I will say, it is not an easy conversation. I will check in later.
Mary
Actually, the doors were not totally shut regarding discussions with my spouse about the sexual state of our marriage, but I will say, it is not an easy conversation. I will check in later.
Mary
Hope you ladies won't mind a guy crashing your discussion with his perspective. I stumbled upon your discussion due to the fact that I'm experiencing a similar situation as jessicas, in that after four years of marriage and twice as long together in total, I can count the total number of bj's I've received on my my eleven fingers (one of those fingers being rather frustrated).
My wife isn't opposed to oral sex as a concept, as she is quite happy to receive it, and does 99% of our love-making. She just doesn't like to reciprocate. Now I will accept much blame in that I haven't really ever outright asked, wheedled, whined, pleaded, bribed, (etc.) for it. At most I've given very straight-forward hints or oblique suggestions that a little personal pole dance might be greatly appreciated once in awhile. This has obviously not worked.
The thing is, in most other respects, our marriage is quite good... Certainly well above average in my esteem. I know that if I made an issue of this, she would be willing to compromise and satisfy me at least occassionally. I guess my problem is that, knowing full well that she is genuinely not too hip on the idea, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. So I don't make an issue of it. It is very important to me that it be a genuine act of mutual enjoyment. I guess the point being that I want her to want me, and if I feel like she's doing it out of a sense of obligation, all the fun will have been sucked out of it (sorry, pun intended).
I've tried to reconcile myself to going without, as this is not a marriage to throw-out over the matter, and at times I'm semi-okay with the idea, but it's not sitting well, particularly of late. The thing is, it's beginning to have a compounded effect on our love-life in general. Beneath the surface I begin to feel the "rejection" aspect, which I cringe to say, has begun to have a significant effect upon my performance ability. Not feeling physically desirable, I find it difficult to be turned on myself, which compromises my willingness and even my ability to satisfy her, which then turns to frustration at not being able to satisfy her anymore (at least not as I used to... I'm not totally inept and have a couple tricks up my sleeve)... All of this compounding into overall performance issues and increasingly infrequent sex.
At age 34, I'm feeling like a guy 30 years older. I know it comes down (okay, that pun was not intended) to just communicating all this to her, but then I'm stuck feeling as though she's servicing me out of obligation, which will leave me limp. I don't know how to approach this with her, but I also can't fathom decades of marriage left before me without satisfying physical affection. I don't know that we could actually survive that, or worse that we might...
I know this thread is about jessicas' frustration, and I've just gone on and on about my frustration, but I hope my experience might shed some perspective on her problem (and perhaps garner some useful insights for myself as well).
My wife isn't opposed to oral sex as a concept, as she is quite happy to receive it, and does 99% of our love-making. She just doesn't like to reciprocate. Now I will accept much blame in that I haven't really ever outright asked, wheedled, whined, pleaded, bribed, (etc.) for it. At most I've given very straight-forward hints or oblique suggestions that a little personal pole dance might be greatly appreciated once in awhile. This has obviously not worked.
The thing is, in most other respects, our marriage is quite good... Certainly well above average in my esteem. I know that if I made an issue of this, she would be willing to compromise and satisfy me at least occassionally. I guess my problem is that, knowing full well that she is genuinely not too hip on the idea, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. So I don't make an issue of it. It is very important to me that it be a genuine act of mutual enjoyment. I guess the point being that I want her to want me, and if I feel like she's doing it out of a sense of obligation, all the fun will have been sucked out of it (sorry, pun intended).
I've tried to reconcile myself to going without, as this is not a marriage to throw-out over the matter, and at times I'm semi-okay with the idea, but it's not sitting well, particularly of late. The thing is, it's beginning to have a compounded effect on our love-life in general. Beneath the surface I begin to feel the "rejection" aspect, which I cringe to say, has begun to have a significant effect upon my performance ability. Not feeling physically desirable, I find it difficult to be turned on myself, which compromises my willingness and even my ability to satisfy her, which then turns to frustration at not being able to satisfy her anymore (at least not as I used to... I'm not totally inept and have a couple tricks up my sleeve)... All of this compounding into overall performance issues and increasingly infrequent sex.
At age 34, I'm feeling like a guy 30 years older. I know it comes down (okay, that pun was not intended) to just communicating all this to her, but then I'm stuck feeling as though she's servicing me out of obligation, which will leave me limp. I don't know how to approach this with her, but I also can't fathom decades of marriage left before me without satisfying physical affection. I don't know that we could actually survive that, or worse that we might...
I know this thread is about jessicas' frustration, and I've just gone on and on about my frustration, but I hope my experience might shed some perspective on her problem (and perhaps garner some useful insights for myself as well).
hi mami ,
im sorry abou ture situation. it just seems that the guys u r with r very selfish. they just want u to give and they dont want to pleasure u. men r just like that. u know i just had a fight with my husband cauz we were havin sex , he came and walked off to take off his condom ok i understand the condom was slipping so i told him sweety hurry back and he goes aaaaaaa man i wanted to smoke and use my phone a bit in the bathroom and i was liek wat?????? i was so pissed off liek he just came and thats it. so he came out much later when i still hadnt come but was totally turned off and so pissed off and turns around and goes to sleep. gosh and i screamed i was liek how can u be liek that? and he goes huh like wat? wat happened we just had sex and now ure pissed. his being clueless blew off my top and i screamed n screamed he ignored me and said i thought the sex was over. i said wonderful and just walked out. so this is men for us!
mary im sorry that ure doors to sexual discussion are over but im glad u see my situation im so young so sexual and my doors were opened..........
im sorry abou ture situation. it just seems that the guys u r with r very selfish. they just want u to give and they dont want to pleasure u. men r just like that. u know i just had a fight with my husband cauz we were havin sex , he came and walked off to take off his condom ok i understand the condom was slipping so i told him sweety hurry back and he goes aaaaaaa man i wanted to smoke and use my phone a bit in the bathroom and i was liek wat?????? i was so pissed off liek he just came and thats it. so he came out much later when i still hadnt come but was totally turned off and so pissed off and turns around and goes to sleep. gosh and i screamed i was liek how can u be liek that? and he goes huh like wat? wat happened we just had sex and now ure pissed. his being clueless blew off my top and i screamed n screamed he ignored me and said i thought the sex was over. i said wonderful and just walked out. so this is men for us!
mary im sorry that ure doors to sexual discussion are over but im glad u see my situation im so young so sexual and my doors were opened..........
My guy loves receiving but not giving. My ex husband found receiving just as disgusting as giving, but eventually he warmed up to the idea, I did him while he was drunk, then he liked it. But usually only after he had just taken a shower. But never would do it for me. This seems to be a recurrent problem with me. They love what I do for them, but they don't seem the least bit interested in pleasuring me. My ex finally did it for me once, before I knew that he hated it, and he threw up on me. Why are most guys like that??? BTW, I enjoy giving, but receiving would be nice once in a while too.
Hi Jessica,
I had to work today and then got busy after dinner. Hoping that the holidays are going okay for you.
Posting to you on this subject has certainly stirred up a lot of thoughts for me about my relationship with my spouse especially since the sexual piece is a big part of the problem that we don't even get to talk about anymore...not much anyway...not good to ignore it. Let's just say that as you age (I am 53 and my husband is 60) there are things you can do to continue to enjoy a sex life, you just have to be open to ideas and open to getting help if you need it. That is where I think I am concerned for you...if your spouse is closing the door to discussing (even if not agreeing to) sexual issues now, then what is in store for the future? So, good for you to try to address this now as best you can. And, again, I am thinking that this is not about sex..oral or otherwise, it's about control and about him calling you names based on your desires. Not Okay...
Hope you are well,
Mary
I had to work today and then got busy after dinner. Hoping that the holidays are going okay for you.
Posting to you on this subject has certainly stirred up a lot of thoughts for me about my relationship with my spouse especially since the sexual piece is a big part of the problem that we don't even get to talk about anymore...not much anyway...not good to ignore it. Let's just say that as you age (I am 53 and my husband is 60) there are things you can do to continue to enjoy a sex life, you just have to be open to ideas and open to getting help if you need it. That is where I think I am concerned for you...if your spouse is closing the door to discussing (even if not agreeing to) sexual issues now, then what is in store for the future? So, good for you to try to address this now as best you can. And, again, I am thinking that this is not about sex..oral or otherwise, it's about control and about him calling you names based on your desires. Not Okay...
Hope you are well,
Mary
hi.
first of all i wana thank u all for ure replies and ure input. secondly hope u all had a good christmas. i understand wat u r sayin that u don enjoy givin bj's , some ppl do ,some dont. for me its more of an issue of why cant he do this to make me happy or if he knows this is the one thing that'll turn me on to the bit! or just cauz i want somethin so much y cant he do it. i hope u all get wat i mean. sometimes i would want him to be so in the heat of the moment that for once he would stop concentratin on clean n dirty and wat he wants and wat he doesnt want n just go for it .hes never so into sex to forget all this. it bothers me more cauz he never compliments me in or out of bed and his relluctance to go down on me saying its too gross just tells me more that hes not too appreciative of my female form. yes he does liek sex and intercourse alot but i would do anythin for him and i do !inside and out of bed. so how about atleast once in awhile just doin this for me . after all its not such a freakin big deal.some nights i just get so turned off when i ask him hey u want a bj tonight just for a change or why don u go down and i hear this huge NO and i feel like sayin to hell with everythin im goin to sleep.
first of all i wana thank u all for ure replies and ure input. secondly hope u all had a good christmas. i understand wat u r sayin that u don enjoy givin bj's , some ppl do ,some dont. for me its more of an issue of why cant he do this to make me happy or if he knows this is the one thing that'll turn me on to the bit! or just cauz i want somethin so much y cant he do it. i hope u all get wat i mean. sometimes i would want him to be so in the heat of the moment that for once he would stop concentratin on clean n dirty and wat he wants and wat he doesnt want n just go for it .hes never so into sex to forget all this. it bothers me more cauz he never compliments me in or out of bed and his relluctance to go down on me saying its too gross just tells me more that hes not too appreciative of my female form. yes he does liek sex and intercourse alot but i would do anythin for him and i do !inside and out of bed. so how about atleast once in awhile just doin this for me . after all its not such a freakin big deal.some nights i just get so turned off when i ask him hey u want a bj tonight just for a change or why don u go down and i hear this huge NO and i feel like sayin to hell with everythin im goin to sleep.
You said: i feel like sayin to hell with everythin im goin to sleep.
Maybe you should. How would he react if he didn't get what HE wanted?
Maybe you should. How would he react if he didn't get what HE wanted?
kenziesmom ure right maybe for once i will say no to wat he wants and then see wat happens.
Just have to say that I wish you luck...if this is that important to you, I hope you find a way to work it all out. I personally do not like to give BJs...I would shout thanks to the heavens if my dh didn't ask for one!! He doesn't get them often. I usually have to get drunk to do it without gaging!!! But, everyone is different, and if this is that important for you, you and your hubby need to find a way to compromise. It's not all about him and what he wants--or rather doesn't want. He really needs to stop being so selfish and consider your feelings, he's had his way for a while, let you have a turn or two. Or three, or four...LOL.
I would do a Hail Mary to the heavens if my DH ever asked me not to give him a bj. Is your DH okay with intercourse? If he likes that, why not experiment with different positions? Another thing to think about, maybe he is telling you he doesn't like to give or get oral sex, because he doesn't feel he is any good at it. That can be a huge blow (pun intended- couldn't resist) to a man's ego. Good luck to you.
First I want to start off by saying I'm glad you found some one who you can relate to and talk to (Mary). she seems smart and very wise.
I do want to give you my point of view. I am a female who does not enjoy getting or recieving oral. I know alot of people think differently on this point. My husband enjoys it, so I do do it but not often for him. The reason I don't like it is the same as your husbands. I have to think of other things so I don't gag. And when I think of recieving it I can't help but think of what goes on down there. From our times of the month to infections and discharge. I am a clean person and would never even think of recieving oral if any of that was occuring at the time but I just can't get pass that vision. It grosses me out. But I do enjoy just about anything else, and I will do it for my husband sometimes. I guess it isn't as big of an issue for us because i will do it. But i do see where your husbands comming from.
I also agree sex is a big deal in a relationship, but if that is the only problem you are having count your blessings. I'm not saying you should ignore it because if it is important to you then it should be important to him. i'm saying if it was me and that was the only problem i was having then i would find something that i like equal, and do more of it. You also have to respect his feelings. Is there one thing you hate to do? Mat it be in bed or whatever. How would you feel if you felt forced to do it? I hope everything works out great for you.
I do want to give you my point of view. I am a female who does not enjoy getting or recieving oral. I know alot of people think differently on this point. My husband enjoys it, so I do do it but not often for him. The reason I don't like it is the same as your husbands. I have to think of other things so I don't gag. And when I think of recieving it I can't help but think of what goes on down there. From our times of the month to infections and discharge. I am a clean person and would never even think of recieving oral if any of that was occuring at the time but I just can't get pass that vision. It grosses me out. But I do enjoy just about anything else, and I will do it for my husband sometimes. I guess it isn't as big of an issue for us because i will do it. But i do see where your husbands comming from.
I also agree sex is a big deal in a relationship, but if that is the only problem you are having count your blessings. I'm not saying you should ignore it because if it is important to you then it should be important to him. i'm saying if it was me and that was the only problem i was having then i would find something that i like equal, and do more of it. You also have to respect his feelings. Is there one thing you hate to do? Mat it be in bed or whatever. How would you feel if you felt forced to do it? I hope everything works out great for you.
Hi Jessica,
Glad you found that helpful. Yeah, mocking is not okay. I am constantly amazed at how you can difuse a situation by just acknowledging the other person's comment. Now, I suppose you could say something like, "I don't recall asking your opinion on the matter!" or "When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it." And, yet, those words even though true and honest might get you a reaction that puts you back on the defensive. I suppose if you said it gently enough in a very calm manner, you could say, "Well, Honey, in this situation, I am not interested in what others think about me going in for therapy."
It (seeing a therapist) actually says that you are very proactive, you are trying to sort out your feelings and emotions and that you, if anything, are probably trying to strengthen the marriage. You may be able to point that out, but I am not sure he will be in a position to "hear" them, you know? And, it is probably threatening to him, too. Don't let that stop you! This is about YOU, really...not him.
Try not to get on his level of emotion if he starts to escalate. He might be trying to get you to "join in" on his emotional level. Not saying this is easy to do! But, just using a calm voice, although potentially irritating to the other, is a good technique that might calm down your spouse. Having said that, I will say again that if he calls you names, you need to firmly and clearly tell him to "Stop." Enough said.
I'll drop in now and then. I hope you are starting to feel better. This stuff is tough, I know.
And, remember, too, Jessica, that if you do eventually decide to leave the marriage for whatever reason, you can look back without regret knowing that you did what you could to try to heal the marriage. But, be sure to keep yourself healed above all else...You deserve to be honored and loved, especially by yourself!
On the lighter side, I'm starting to sound like a self-help book :) Maybe that's okay. My next calling!!!
Take care, Mary
Glad you found that helpful. Yeah, mocking is not okay. I am constantly amazed at how you can difuse a situation by just acknowledging the other person's comment. Now, I suppose you could say something like, "I don't recall asking your opinion on the matter!" or "When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it." And, yet, those words even though true and honest might get you a reaction that puts you back on the defensive. I suppose if you said it gently enough in a very calm manner, you could say, "Well, Honey, in this situation, I am not interested in what others think about me going in for therapy."
It (seeing a therapist) actually says that you are very proactive, you are trying to sort out your feelings and emotions and that you, if anything, are probably trying to strengthen the marriage. You may be able to point that out, but I am not sure he will be in a position to "hear" them, you know? And, it is probably threatening to him, too. Don't let that stop you! This is about YOU, really...not him.
Try not to get on his level of emotion if he starts to escalate. He might be trying to get you to "join in" on his emotional level. Not saying this is easy to do! But, just using a calm voice, although potentially irritating to the other, is a good technique that might calm down your spouse. Having said that, I will say again that if he calls you names, you need to firmly and clearly tell him to "Stop." Enough said.
I'll drop in now and then. I hope you are starting to feel better. This stuff is tough, I know.
And, remember, too, Jessica, that if you do eventually decide to leave the marriage for whatever reason, you can look back without regret knowing that you did what you could to try to heal the marriage. But, be sure to keep yourself healed above all else...You deserve to be honored and loved, especially by yourself!
On the lighter side, I'm starting to sound like a self-help book :) Maybe that's okay. My next calling!!!
Take care, Mary
Jessica,
Hi...Sorry I did not get back to you as promised...I have been overly tired and also suffering from some horrible leg pains which we think are caused by some newly formed varicose veins. Having an ultrasound next week. I work hard to stay very healthy, so I am not too happy about this latest development. I have read that varicose veins can be another fallout from having had a hysterectomy...and I have had to manage a lot of symptoms since the surgery six years ago...so, this might be one more thing. Yuk. Oh well...
Also, after writing the post to you it made me do some (more) deep thinking. My husband and I had an argument last night and I couldn't shake the words (from my post to you) out of my mind as I was thinking over my situation/marriage. I did not reference it of course, or issues over the sex thing, while we were arguing, but it made everything seem sadder. I do often wonder why I am staying in the relationship. Our only child is 21. But, my life is here, my job is here, my dogs are here:) and truely, I like the guy. But, I am going to have to continue to address the sadness and the problems in the marriage if I am going to continue in peace. Or, I just have to accept the life I have. Not having that physical connection zaps the life out of me. Thank God I have the two snuggly and sweet dogs, but, well, I am not "married" to them, you know!
Just doing a lot of thinking lately, as I am sure you have.
I just wanted to say that if/when your spouse gets wind of the fact that you are going to counseling (making an assumption here, but as I said, it is a gooood idea) just know that if he starts to put the idea down, or criticize you in any way...just let him know that this topic is not open to discussion...well, it may be open to discussion, but not ridicule. He cannot control whether or not you go to counseling.
I work with kids in a mental health setting, and one of the things we do is this...if one of the kids makes a comment that is kind of random, perhaps a bit derrogatory (I mean, it all depends...they MIGHT get a "time-out") but in general, we do something like this..."Oh. Uh huh."
I can see you talking to your spouse. Let's say he says, "that's stupid that you are going to counseling. Counseling is stupid." You say, "I hear You are expressing your frustration about my going to therapy." ..."What shall we have for dinner?"
It is a marriage, but it is also your life.
I would also just flat out tell him the next time he mentions the interests you have re: sexuality and refers to you as a prostitute that he MAY NOT call you names. Period. Civility is the key. He may not ever change his mind about this topic, but you can change your reaction to him and that can often produce change. That is where therapy is very helpful, amoung other reasons.
Well, I am off to bed. I will check in tomorrow...
Goodnight.
Hi...Sorry I did not get back to you as promised...I have been overly tired and also suffering from some horrible leg pains which we think are caused by some newly formed varicose veins. Having an ultrasound next week. I work hard to stay very healthy, so I am not too happy about this latest development. I have read that varicose veins can be another fallout from having had a hysterectomy...and I have had to manage a lot of symptoms since the surgery six years ago...so, this might be one more thing. Yuk. Oh well...
Also, after writing the post to you it made me do some (more) deep thinking. My husband and I had an argument last night and I couldn't shake the words (from my post to you) out of my mind as I was thinking over my situation/marriage. I did not reference it of course, or issues over the sex thing, while we were arguing, but it made everything seem sadder. I do often wonder why I am staying in the relationship. Our only child is 21. But, my life is here, my job is here, my dogs are here:) and truely, I like the guy. But, I am going to have to continue to address the sadness and the problems in the marriage if I am going to continue in peace. Or, I just have to accept the life I have. Not having that physical connection zaps the life out of me. Thank God I have the two snuggly and sweet dogs, but, well, I am not "married" to them, you know!
Just doing a lot of thinking lately, as I am sure you have.
I just wanted to say that if/when your spouse gets wind of the fact that you are going to counseling (making an assumption here, but as I said, it is a gooood idea) just know that if he starts to put the idea down, or criticize you in any way...just let him know that this topic is not open to discussion...well, it may be open to discussion, but not ridicule. He cannot control whether or not you go to counseling.
I work with kids in a mental health setting, and one of the things we do is this...if one of the kids makes a comment that is kind of random, perhaps a bit derrogatory (I mean, it all depends...they MIGHT get a "time-out") but in general, we do something like this..."Oh. Uh huh."
I can see you talking to your spouse. Let's say he says, "that's stupid that you are going to counseling. Counseling is stupid." You say, "I hear You are expressing your frustration about my going to therapy." ..."What shall we have for dinner?"
It is a marriage, but it is also your life.
I would also just flat out tell him the next time he mentions the interests you have re: sexuality and refers to you as a prostitute that he MAY NOT call you names. Period. Civility is the key. He may not ever change his mind about this topic, but you can change your reaction to him and that can often produce change. That is where therapy is very helpful, amoung other reasons.
Well, I am off to bed. I will check in tomorrow...
Goodnight.
hi mary ,
sorry to hear abour ure legs , i hope u feel better and i really hope that when u meet the doctor its nothing too serious or bad.varicose veins doesnt sound too great and i can understand ure anxiety over it but u sound like a strong person and i hope u can make the best of it like u r of everything else.
mary it sounds nice that u r happy with ure dogs and u have a joba kid a life of ure own but i can feel how there might be that emptiness due to this sexual aspect of ure life. its a very important part of our lives but like we all know we have to choose our battles , we could leave and choose not to be with our husbands or be here for the bigger picture and do wat we can to make things work.
i appreciate ure giving me very sensible advise on how to deal with my husband if he tries to mock my going to counselling which i know he will and i know i will have to deal with it and ure words have helped thanx.
sorry to hear abour ure legs , i hope u feel better and i really hope that when u meet the doctor its nothing too serious or bad.varicose veins doesnt sound too great and i can understand ure anxiety over it but u sound like a strong person and i hope u can make the best of it like u r of everything else.
mary it sounds nice that u r happy with ure dogs and u have a joba kid a life of ure own but i can feel how there might be that emptiness due to this sexual aspect of ure life. its a very important part of our lives but like we all know we have to choose our battles , we could leave and choose not to be with our husbands or be here for the bigger picture and do wat we can to make things work.
i appreciate ure giving me very sensible advise on how to deal with my husband if he tries to mock my going to counselling which i know he will and i know i will have to deal with it and ure words have helped thanx.
mary looking forward to hearing from u
and hirth thank u for ure support i appreciate it
and hirth thank u for ure support i appreciate it
You are reading content posted in the Sexuality & Relationships Forum
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
