First of all, please take everything written above with a huge grain of salt. People mean well, but make judgments based on their own agendas. It’s not helpful to worry about “normality” (which isn’t a concept based on facts); what’s important is for you to figure out what you want to do.
It’s also not helpful to blame people or situations. What CAN be helpful, however, is for you to look at your situation and decide what’s working for you and what’s not and then get help in creating a life that is satisfying for you.
Since you’re dependent on your mother, both emotionally and financially, and you’re not seeing any partners, it’s certainly understandable that she’s become a sort-of substitute sex object in your mind. You’re 33, your hormones are raging, you need sex and companionship, and voila! In addition, it seems as though your family history has some very loose boundaries, and this fact may also have blurred your own personal boundaries about who is an appropriate partner for you. I’m guessing that you also have some self-esteem issues that are preventing you from striking out on your own.
Think about seeing a therapist who is trained in sexual issues and who can help you examine why you’re choosing to live dependently rather than living your own life. There’s a reason, and it is important that you find out what it is. Once you discover this, you can then decide your next step. Please let me know how you’re doing. My very best wishes to you. Dr. J
It is good to realize that you have a problem and seek help for it. I don t know about your family history so i will just ask a few questions to start off. What is your relationship with your mother? Why do you feel the need to be with her that way? How do you feel about the way you are acting towards her?
You said that you are a virgin and is 33 years old which is not normal, except if you are a religious person who believes in purity. Did you ever show interest in anyone else? How did she react to that?
Why are you still living with her at your age?Does she encourage you to go out?
How do you feel about other women?
Please think about these questions and give me a response.
have you ever heard of the Oedipus complex postulated by Sigmund Freud? This occurs around age 3 or 4 when a female begins to become attracted to her father and a male to his mother. According to Frued, if children do not reslove this stage they become stuck..or fixated..that is they may later develop into neurosis, paedophilia, and homosexuality.In classical theory, individuals who are fixated at the oedipal level are 'mother-fixated' or 'father-fixated', and reveal this by choosing sexual partners who are discernible surrogates for their parent(s).
This is a very personal question but i need to ask
Have you ever been abused in anyway??
me and my family get along great she has alwas been behind me when i try to date but get turned down so much i am intersted in girls very much i have heard oOedipus complex no abuse as for my childhood just some stuff i remember i use to sleep in same bed as mom til i was 14 when i was 9 or 10 i use ask see her breast she didnt want to but would if dad was in same room with her at around 12 they use rent porn we watch it togather and around same time grandparents showed me porn but no abuse i have always peeped on her since was a teen i i like smack her butt and still do that thanks for your time
Sleeping with your mother until 14 was not normal. Showing the breast to a son is not normal once he is not breast feeding anymore. Watching porn with your parents at the age of 12 is a form of sexual abuse by them. You need to obtain help for these situations. In addition, you need to: (1) Get a job so that you are busy (including busy with your mind). Why don't you have a job? even cooking at a fast food restaurant is better than being home with your mom when you are 32 or 34! (2) Get your own apartment and move out (3) Get yourseldf a girl friend. There are many ladies out there that need company. Most of all get professional psychological help. Your mom, if resposnsible, should encourage you to move out and find a job. Good luck.
I am in strong agreement with what tejodouro said. I am so sorry that all those things happened to you. The sad thing is that you dont even seem to realize that what was done to you was wrong. Furthermore none of what you described with your parents and grandparents is normal. I can see why you feel the way you do about your mom. She encouraged you to depend on her, then when you started having these feelings about her she later reinforced it. She is also a victim of abuse and doesn't really know what she is doing to you ( your grand parents watched it with you too). Chances are that they did it to her or your dad and so it becomes a norm for your family. The sad thing is that for most persons who do such things, to them their behaviours are completely normal. Sharing porn and inappropriate sexual activities together would have course illicit such a response. How did you feel when you were watching those porn with them? that MIGHT have been the beginning of it all for you.
It doesnt seem that you have a good knowledge of what is sexual abuse so ill write a definition below.
What is Child Sexual Abuse?
There is no universal definition of child sexual abuse. However, a central characteristic of any abuse is the dominant position of an adult that allows him or her to force or coerce a child into sexual activity. Child sexual abuse may include fondling a child's genitals, masturbation, oral-genital contact, digital penetration, and vaginal and anal intercourse. Child sexual abuse is not solely restricted to physical contact; such abuse could include noncontact abuse, such as EXPOSURE, voyeurism, and child pornography. ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY INITIATED BY A PEER OR ADULT WITHOUT CONSENT IS ABUSE, INCLUDING PHYSICAL, VISUAL OR VERBAL STIMULI.You should also keep in mind that a child cannot give consent to this no matter how much he agrees with it.
Most often the person who sexually abuses a child or young person is in a position of trust and authority over the victim. Studies show that often the person who sexually abuses a child is a family member – like a step father, uncle, or older brother – or someone else known to the child like a family friend, a neighbour or a teacher.
Please consider these things. What they did to you is wrong. You need to see a therapist. Please continue to write about it.
about your grandparents...whose parents are they? Your mom or your dad? and why did she allow you to see her breast only when your dad was around??
hello again yeah i do have good knowledge of what is sexual abuse there are my mom's parents not sure why she only showed me her breast when dad was around thanks so much to all of you i been doing alot of thinking try to remember everything from my childhood so thanks
i mean i do not have good knowledge of sexual abuse thanks for info
It is good that you are trying to understand what happened to you. Please continue to explore why you are feeling the way you do. It is very important that you try to understand.
One of the best ways to tell if you are being abused is to trust your gut. This is a difficult task, if your abuser has managed to make you doubt your own sanity, but it is vital to your survival and healing.
Did you know that people who were sexually abused are seven times more likely to be in abusive relationships? Its obvious now that your mom too was sexually abused. She allows you to do these things because she was taught that it was a normal thing to do. Just like you believed that watching porn with your parents and seeing her breast was normal. Do you watch these porn with your dad too??
Here is one explanation
Because a survivor's boundaries were not respected--they were utterly violated--s/he may have a lot of difficulty knowing where her/his boundaries are, how to maintain them, and how to protect her/himself from those who do not respect or try to violate her/his boundaries. This leaves many survivors vulnerable to further abuse.Your mom was abused and so she remains in a relationship that is abusive and furthermore she is still around her abusive parents which means she has not been given the opportunity to heal and grow healthily.
here is a link you could read for the time being
Here is a bit of information. I dont know if you are able to relate to any of it.
Acknowledging That You Were Sexually Abused
It can take a long time for survivors to be able to say that they know for sure that they were sexually abused. Acknowledging that the abuse happened is an important step in healing from sexual abuse.
Many survivors waver on this issue for years, even after they do acknowledge that they were abused. This is a natural reaction and is quite self-protective, after all it is extremely painful to acknowledge that a trusted adult betrayed and hurt you in this way. It inevitably raises the question "if I wasn't safe with him/her, how can I be safe anywhere?" That can be a overwhelming thought especially if you don't know how to feel safer in the world.
Worrying That You Can't Trust Your Memories
Some survivors worry that maybe their mind is playing tricks on them, they imagined it, their memories aren't real, and perhaps they made it all up. They think maybe they've watched too much T.V., or read too many books on the subject, or they've listened to too many survivors tell their stories. This is an understandable worry, especially when there is a well-funded organization of people (whom their children said sexually abused them) who state that recovered memories are not accurate and are created by reading books, seeing therapists, and the like.
Not wanting to believe that you or others were sexually abused as children is understandable -- it's never been easy for the human race to acknowledge all kinds of horrors committed by people, especially those committed in our own backyards. But, just because it's not easy, and just because we don't or can't believe it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Do People Forget Traumatic Events?
A common worry for survivors (again especially since the creation of the so-called False Memory Syndrome Foundation) is whether or not they can trust their recovered memories to be accurate. Recovered memories are memories that you didn't always have, they emerge later in life often after being triggered by some event.
We know with certainty that people forget traumatic events. Probably the best examples are of people's experiences of wars and car accidents. There are men who fought in wars who remember little of what happened, yet there is no question that they were there and that the war happened. Many people who survive serious car accidents do not remember the accident. People forget overwhelming traumatic events.
Traumatic Reactions Exist Even Without Memories
Many individuals develop trauma related reactions, even when they have no memory of the incident. For example, many people who have experienced serious car accidents and who do not remember the accident have strong negative reactions to being in a car or driving by the scene of the accident (even when they do not remember where the accident took place.) Many war veterans who have little memory of the war will suddenly duck when they hear a loud sound without understanding why.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - According to the DSM-III-R
These reactions are called post-traumatic reactions -- also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. People will often have post-traumatic reactions even when they have no memory of the trauma itself. These reactions include:
* intense fear and terror;
* re-experiencing the traumatic event, flashbacks, flooding;
* avoiding situations that are associated with the traumatic event;
* numbing, feelings of detachment or estrangement from others;
* panic attacks, anxiety attacks;
* irritability or outbursts of anger;
* difficulty concentrating;
* exaggerated startle response;
* physiological responses such as intense sweating, heart racing, trembling, shaking.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms May Develop After Memories Are Recovered
It's possible for someone to have no or few memories of sexual abuse, and to not have post-traumatic symptoms or to have only mild symptoms. Sometimes, post-traumatic symptoms don't develop until memories come back. This is why it is possible to feel relatively unaffected by sexual abuse only to have post-traumatic reactions emerge later when sexual abuse memories start emerging. Most often, people can look back after remembering sexual abuse, and recognize ways in which they had been affected by the abuse without having been aware of it at the time.
It is important that you understand that this was not and never your fault. You did not do anything to deserve this. What they did to you was wrong. It is hard to face the reality of what happened to you and it will be for a while but you need to know this is NOT YOUR FAULT in anyway.
You said that you are trying to remember
Please keep posting.
I do believe that your mom is feeling victimized and has been. I also feel that she shows her breast when your dad was around because she felt that she had to do so. She tried not to show you when he wasnt around because she didnt feel threatened in anyway then. She showed you when he was around because she was afraid. Please tell me more about your dad..what kid of person is her? How does he treat you and your mother?
Please continue to post. I know it is tough facing this reality but i want you to know that you are not alone. I am and others are here for you.
Love and blessings
hello and thanks to everyone for helping im sorry i have trouble putting my feelings into words so bare with me this is whole new avenue for me as for my dad good guy hard working never hit my mom before they do argue but nothing physical not sure why mom just let me see her breast when dad was around there i do remembeer her dressing sexy when i was younger around 13 or 14 like daisy dukes and bikini top her shorts had holes in them her shorts wuld be unbuttoned alot or she would sit on my lap and stuff well thanks again im try to remember it will take time thanks allen