Aa
sexless marriage
Please advise
I have been iun a sexless marriage for most of the 24 years we have been married. This began just about the time we got married. Prior to marriage we lived together sex was hot and both of us were lets say experienced. About 12 years ago she got very involved in online chat rooms. I was sneeky and found out she was doing some serious flirting online with some guys. I even found some nude photos accidently in her purse with and address to a guy she knew online and when confronted she said she had taken the photos for me and was going to send them to my office but chickened out for fear that my secretary may open envelope. I tried to play a joke on her one time and took her to a swinger club as a joke and she like it said it was a great spectator sport. She would dress really erotic to go to these places but no action when we got home. I suggested swinging and we briefly discussed it but didn't follow thru, In fact the last time she willingly had sex was when i found the photographs. This is a mind boggling thing and has had me wondering what is the issue. I should say that after about 5 years of marriage she began having panic attacks and her psychiatrist has been prescribing zoloft and a xanax back up when necessary. I have gone to meet with her Dr and discuss the sex issue and she told me i was selfish to even be worried about it and she would get to it but that was 12 years ago and the onloy time she see the Dr any more is a 30 minute visit about every six months to get a new prescription for her meds, so I don't believe they both see this as an issue to be concerned with. I have suggested more psychologist or psychiatrist but she refuses, so i'm basically sexless in seattle. I don't live in Seattle by the way. So please advise....... the not knowing is a mental killer. I can deal with what i know... (I just can't handle the not knowing or understanding)
I have been iun a sexless marriage for most of the 24 years we have been married. This began just about the time we got married. Prior to marriage we lived together sex was hot and both of us were lets say experienced. About 12 years ago she got very involved in online chat rooms. I was sneeky and found out she was doing some serious flirting online with some guys. I even found some nude photos accidently in her purse with and address to a guy she knew online and when confronted she said she had taken the photos for me and was going to send them to my office but chickened out for fear that my secretary may open envelope. I tried to play a joke on her one time and took her to a swinger club as a joke and she like it said it was a great spectator sport. She would dress really erotic to go to these places but no action when we got home. I suggested swinging and we briefly discussed it but didn't follow thru, In fact the last time she willingly had sex was when i found the photographs. This is a mind boggling thing and has had me wondering what is the issue. I should say that after about 5 years of marriage she began having panic attacks and her psychiatrist has been prescribing zoloft and a xanax back up when necessary. I have gone to meet with her Dr and discuss the sex issue and she told me i was selfish to even be worried about it and she would get to it but that was 12 years ago and the onloy time she see the Dr any more is a 30 minute visit about every six months to get a new prescription for her meds, so I don't believe they both see this as an issue to be concerned with. I have suggested more psychologist or psychiatrist but she refuses, so i'm basically sexless in seattle. I don't live in Seattle by the way. So please advise....... the not knowing is a mental killer. I can deal with what i know... (I just can't handle the not knowing or understanding)
Love is not like that. There is something going on with him and if you can not get him to talk about it, then may need to reacess your relationship. I know that is not what you want to hear, but I would rather deal with it now and not be unhappy 20 years from now.
If he dosen't even want to touch you then you need to do some serious talking. First thing though is get the thought out of your head that it is you. You can not blame yourself for someone elses actions. If he refuses to talk and refuses to get counseling, I think then you need to decide if you want to be happy alone or unhappy with him.
A related discussion, sexless marraige was started.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I’m so sorry for your pain. You must love your wife very much in order to endure this. I have seen so many couples trapped in sexless relationships, and there are more reasons for it than I can detail here. Without your wife’s input, there’s no way of knowing just WHY she stopped having sex with you. And she may not be discussing it with her therapist either. Sometimes people don’t know what their reasons are, they just know they’re in pain, so they retreat, or they avoid talking about it because it’s too scary to confront. Unless you and your wife can talk about this, you’ll never know what’s going on. There are several ways you might be able to draw her out: As has been suggested, it can be helpful to bring home a book about some aspect of sexuality and begin to discuss it with her in a casual way, or you could bring home a sexy DVD to watch together. But make it clear that you don't expect it will lead to sex--merely the enjoyment of her company. These are great ways to open up communication in a non-threatening manner.
When drawing out a person, it’s important to ask a mixture of yes/no questions and open-ended questions and to share some of your own feelings to get the ball rolling. An example would be: “I really enjoyed the scene in the DVD where she was wearing sexy lingerie. What did you think of it?” Avoid “either/or” statements like: “Either you love me, or you don’t”; these are too confrontational. Remember that when someone feels attacked, they’ll defend themselves. And then you don’t have a discussion, you have a war. Good luck to you. Dr. J
When drawing out a person, it’s important to ask a mixture of yes/no questions and open-ended questions and to share some of your own feelings to get the ball rolling. An example would be: “I really enjoyed the scene in the DVD where she was wearing sexy lingerie. What did you think of it?” Avoid “either/or” statements like: “Either you love me, or you don’t”; these are too confrontational. Remember that when someone feels attacked, they’ll defend themselves. And then you don’t have a discussion, you have a war. Good luck to you. Dr. J
I've tried talking to him but that's a no go. Didn't work. He says I don't want it anymore. But I'm the one that's always trying. I feel very alone and don't know what to do. I thought that love wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm just tired of trying...what now?
What do you do when your husband doesn't even want you to touch him? He always says "don't touch me" or "get off of me" when I even make an attempt. Heck he won't even hug me. We've been married 3 years and I am miserable. He hasn't touched me in about 4 months. I'm beginning to wonder if it's me.
rdhd
rdhd
I agree with jml1986, keep on conversing with her about the matter. she will be used with the toic later, it's just the beginning that's difficult. and tell her not to be too involved on chatrooms, instead you both watch sex movie together.
You need to do some serious talking to your wife. I will tell you that yes the medication can make things a little tougher but they do not stop you from wanting sex. It just takes a little more time to have an orgasm. I also take those medications and my doctor told me that on the night we are planning to have sex, wait until after we are done to take the meds that day. I realize that you do have to plan ahead for sex, but the way I see it, if you have been married for years and have had children, you have been having to schedule it for years. To be honest, the reason sex dies in a marriage is because we get to comfortable with our spouses and it would be uncomfortable to talk about sex. This being said, you have to talk to her. My husband had no clue that I was just as unhappy about our sex life as he was. Thankfully for me, I am a very verbal person and so I was the one that said we need to do something about this. Little did I know, he wanted the samething. I would tell you to start slow. Start changing the way you talk. Try to add something about sex into your conversations daily. Then buy some books on sex in a marriage, read it and ask your wifes thought on what you read. These little steps can begin to open up your communication and once that is done you can start working together trying things that can enhance your love life. Lastly I would tell you when you do start communicating, make sure that you let her know that her pleasure is the most important thing. Women tend to shut down if the conversation consists of what you want.
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