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Does my boyfriend's sexual withdrawal indicate he would rather I seek sex outside the relationship?
I am a 49 y.o. woman and very happy with my partner in almost every way but sexually. When we do have sex it's generally very good but for the last 5 yrs of our 7 yr relationship it only happens about once a month. At first I thought he just had low desire, then discovered (a few years back) he was looking at internet porn daily and sometimes many times a day. That nearly broke us up but we got through it, with him promising to quit-- and I don't think he's doing it anymore. I have asked him a few times and he always insists he's not back into it.
We've had some counseling about the low sexual frequency and many discussions (and arguments). He insists he does find me attractive and enjoys sex with me, and says he wants us to have more frequent sex, yet it hasn't changed in all these years. It always seems like there's something more important--he's a very busy and productive person and would never consider staying in bed to have sex rather than getting up when the alarm goes off--day off or not. At night he's exhausted and snoring as soon as his head hits the pillow, generally.
I know he still masturbates regularly, but he says this doesn't affect a man's desire for his partner.
Perhaps he just can't be bothered or is lying about finding me attractive. I try to keep myself in shape. He has gotten quite pot-bellied and out of shape and I must admit it's a turn-off. This combined with his apparent lack of interest in me has resulted in me feeling neglected and I've started thinking a lot about other men sexually, specifically one that I work with.
My boyfriend's 2 previous wives cheated on him, and I just wonder if there isn't a pattern here of a man who doesn't think sex is important in a relationship. However he states that he doesn't think we should have sex outside the r'ship. I'm very confused and feel defeated and also feel guilty about my attraction to my workmate, which seems to be getting more intense.
We've had some counseling about the low sexual frequency and many discussions (and arguments). He insists he does find me attractive and enjoys sex with me, and says he wants us to have more frequent sex, yet it hasn't changed in all these years. It always seems like there's something more important--he's a very busy and productive person and would never consider staying in bed to have sex rather than getting up when the alarm goes off--day off or not. At night he's exhausted and snoring as soon as his head hits the pillow, generally.
I know he still masturbates regularly, but he says this doesn't affect a man's desire for his partner.
Perhaps he just can't be bothered or is lying about finding me attractive. I try to keep myself in shape. He has gotten quite pot-bellied and out of shape and I must admit it's a turn-off. This combined with his apparent lack of interest in me has resulted in me feeling neglected and I've started thinking a lot about other men sexually, specifically one that I work with.
My boyfriend's 2 previous wives cheated on him, and I just wonder if there isn't a pattern here of a man who doesn't think sex is important in a relationship. However he states that he doesn't think we should have sex outside the r'ship. I'm very confused and feel defeated and also feel guilty about my attraction to my workmate, which seems to be getting more intense.
Having thought over Dr Epp's response for the last few days, I have changed my mind somewhat about the reply she gave me. I'm sure it's not the done thing to criticise the doctors around here, and though I do appreciate their responding to people's questions freely as they do, I feel I need to make a few points.
Firstly, I think it is quite strange and also rather humiliating for her to characterize my post as "a good illustration of someone sending a clear message and the other person (me) not wanting to accept reality". Clearly, if I had trouble accepting "reality" I wouldn't have posted here about my concern that my partner is not attracted to me, as evidenced by his lack of sexual attention to me. Perhaps Dr Epp didn't have time to read my post thoroughly.
Secondly, as I've already said above, the "clear message" is anything but clear, when my boyfriend vociferously denies that there is no attraction and gets very upset with me for not believing/trusting him. Even if his denials don't convince me, they do confuse me, which is why I posted in the first place.
Secondly, there are a lot of complicating factors like out of synch schedules/ overwork/ health issues like sleep apnea etc. So while I still feel that the problem is probably that he doesn't get turned on by me, I don't feel that the evidence is so clear cut that a psychologist could diagnose it that way on the basis of one post. This does make me wonder about the value of this type of forum.
Firstly, I think it is quite strange and also rather humiliating for her to characterize my post as "a good illustration of someone sending a clear message and the other person (me) not wanting to accept reality". Clearly, if I had trouble accepting "reality" I wouldn't have posted here about my concern that my partner is not attracted to me, as evidenced by his lack of sexual attention to me. Perhaps Dr Epp didn't have time to read my post thoroughly.
Secondly, as I've already said above, the "clear message" is anything but clear, when my boyfriend vociferously denies that there is no attraction and gets very upset with me for not believing/trusting him. Even if his denials don't convince me, they do confuse me, which is why I posted in the first place.
Secondly, there are a lot of complicating factors like out of synch schedules/ overwork/ health issues like sleep apnea etc. So while I still feel that the problem is probably that he doesn't get turned on by me, I don't feel that the evidence is so clear cut that a psychologist could diagnose it that way on the basis of one post. This does make me wonder about the value of this type of forum.
I,M 55 AND MY X AND SHE'SMY X NO BECAUSE OF SEX.WE HAD GREAT SEX
AND WE ENJOYED IT EVERY TIME FOR 3 YEARS. WE ALWAYS WEREOPN TO DIFFERENT WAYS OF FOREPLAY. JUST SAMALL LITTLE THINGS NEW CAN KEEP HIM INTERESTED.HEMY BE GOING THRU THE SAME OLD SAME OLD SYNDROM.
GOOD LUCK,ROD
AND WE ENJOYED IT EVERY TIME FOR 3 YEARS. WE ALWAYS WEREOPN TO DIFFERENT WAYS OF FOREPLAY. JUST SAMALL LITTLE THINGS NEW CAN KEEP HIM INTERESTED.HEMY BE GOING THRU THE SAME OLD SAME OLD SYNDROM.
GOOD LUCK,ROD
Thanks Dr Epp
You have confirmed what I have believed for a long time. Bit the "clear signal" he is giving me is not something he can or will articulate, so we end up in very bad arguments when I point out there's something missing. He insists that my thinking he's not attracted to me is just my low self esteem about my looks etc etc, and that it's all projection on my part blah blah.
If he's not attracted to me, as seems the case, I don't want to go on having monthly sex with him, just for the sake of him proving the opposite is true. I've suggested we have a sexless relationship but still live together and be lovers in every other way OR that we both be allowed to have a sexual partner outside of the relationship (he could go back to his computer). But he absolutely won't even consider these options. Very confusing. He doesn't want me but can't admit it.
We only had one or two sessions of counseling and the therapist seemed a bit ineffectual I guess. Maybe a male therapist would be more likely to see through his excuses...?
You have confirmed what I have believed for a long time. Bit the "clear signal" he is giving me is not something he can or will articulate, so we end up in very bad arguments when I point out there's something missing. He insists that my thinking he's not attracted to me is just my low self esteem about my looks etc etc, and that it's all projection on my part blah blah.
If he's not attracted to me, as seems the case, I don't want to go on having monthly sex with him, just for the sake of him proving the opposite is true. I've suggested we have a sexless relationship but still live together and be lovers in every other way OR that we both be allowed to have a sexual partner outside of the relationship (he could go back to his computer). But he absolutely won't even consider these options. Very confusing. He doesn't want me but can't admit it.
We only had one or two sessions of counseling and the therapist seemed a bit ineffectual I guess. Maybe a male therapist would be more likely to see through his excuses...?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
This is a very good illustration of one person giving another a very clear signal and the other person just not wanting to accept the reality. Let’s look at the evidence:
He self-pleasures regularly, indicating he has sexual desire, and he's not suffering from any kind of hormonal deficiency. He’s gone online to look at sexual material, also indicating he has sexual desire and interest. What it appears that he DOESN’T have, is desire for you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to accept this reality.
I’m wondering what exactly counseling did for you? Were you each able to articulate your desires and issues? Sounds to me like your boyfriend avoided being honest with you.
Without talking with him, there’s no way of knowing just WHY he’s not having sex with you. He may not be turned on to you, or he may have some conflicts about being sexual with someone he loves, or there may be some unresolved conflicts in your relationship. These issues should have been explored with your counselor.
It’s clear that you’re lonely and feeling unattractive and unappreciated, so it’s no wonder you’re beginning to fantasize about someone else.
You need to see a therapist who is skilled at helping people with sexual concerns. It’s time to get to the bottom of this before things spin out of control. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
He self-pleasures regularly, indicating he has sexual desire, and he's not suffering from any kind of hormonal deficiency. He’s gone online to look at sexual material, also indicating he has sexual desire and interest. What it appears that he DOESN’T have, is desire for you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to accept this reality.
I’m wondering what exactly counseling did for you? Were you each able to articulate your desires and issues? Sounds to me like your boyfriend avoided being honest with you.
Without talking with him, there’s no way of knowing just WHY he’s not having sex with you. He may not be turned on to you, or he may have some conflicts about being sexual with someone he loves, or there may be some unresolved conflicts in your relationship. These issues should have been explored with your counselor.
It’s clear that you’re lonely and feeling unattractive and unappreciated, so it’s no wonder you’re beginning to fantasize about someone else.
You need to see a therapist who is skilled at helping people with sexual concerns. It’s time to get to the bottom of this before things spin out of control. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Thanks you guys. I appreciate your feedback.
Serious Sam--I don't think it's hormones. He is masturbating regularly.
Canary99--he does make me very happy, is very devoted and supportive and everyone I know, virtually, would think I was crazy if I broke up with him. There are a lot of other issues I guess--we work opposing shifts on opposing days, go to bed mostly at completely different times (he's an early bird and I'm a severe night-owl) and we never have a day off together on the same day. I am something of an insomniac and he has mild sleep apnea. We are pretty much "sleep-incompatible" so between us, we're both negatively affecting each other's ability to get enough sleep. But yes, his "productivity-aholism" (always having several projects to work on) is definitley part of the problem here.
I think you're right though--we need to have a much more serious talk where I put the cards on the table, so to speak.
Serious Sam--I don't think it's hormones. He is masturbating regularly.
Canary99--he does make me very happy, is very devoted and supportive and everyone I know, virtually, would think I was crazy if I broke up with him. There are a lot of other issues I guess--we work opposing shifts on opposing days, go to bed mostly at completely different times (he's an early bird and I'm a severe night-owl) and we never have a day off together on the same day. I am something of an insomniac and he has mild sleep apnea. We are pretty much "sleep-incompatible" so between us, we're both negatively affecting each other's ability to get enough sleep. But yes, his "productivity-aholism" (always having several projects to work on) is definitley part of the problem here.
I think you're right though--we need to have a much more serious talk where I put the cards on the table, so to speak.
um, you are more understanding than I would be. I would be PISSED, particularly as he is apparently finding the energy to do everything but give you pleasure. He's not having impotency issues if he is still masturbating - and as he does masturbate, his own sexual pleasure is obviously still important to him. If he is as driven a personality as you suggest, and was telling the truth when he said that he wanted you to have more frequent sex as a couple, things would have changed by now.
still, from his point of view, why should he change? he's apparently getting everything he wants out of the relationship, and as you have stuck around for the majority of that time only expressing verbal displeasure with his lack of interest, he doesn't exactly feel any pressure (or need) to change things. he's got it made.
so really it comes down to this - does this relationship make you happy? fulfilled? yes or no? no? you can either stick around for longer and wait for him to change (as you have been doing, with no luck), or you can tell him that unless things change within a specific time period you are leaving (and stick to it!), or you can just leave and find someone who is as excited about getting to sleep with you and giving/receiving pleasure as you are. you deserve better than an almost-completely sexless relationship. don't waste any more of your precious love, time and passion.
still, from his point of view, why should he change? he's apparently getting everything he wants out of the relationship, and as you have stuck around for the majority of that time only expressing verbal displeasure with his lack of interest, he doesn't exactly feel any pressure (or need) to change things. he's got it made.
so really it comes down to this - does this relationship make you happy? fulfilled? yes or no? no? you can either stick around for longer and wait for him to change (as you have been doing, with no luck), or you can tell him that unless things change within a specific time period you are leaving (and stick to it!), or you can just leave and find someone who is as excited about getting to sleep with you and giving/receiving pleasure as you are. you deserve better than an almost-completely sexless relationship. don't waste any more of your precious love, time and passion.
Have him get tested for hormone levels.
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