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Envious of partner's ex
I am a 34 year old woman. I started dating a guy a few months ago, and we were very happy with our sex life at first. However, during casual discussions about sex, my boyfriend would sometimes recount sexual experiences between himself and his former girlfriend of 7 years, whom he started dating in high school. NOw, the fact that he would mention these things did not bother me. But I began to get upset when some of the details of their sexual history reawakened some painful issues for me. Most notably his high school sweetheart, unlike me, had orgasms from vaginal intercourse. I can
I am so glad that years ago I read that most women do not climax during intercourse. It relieved a lot of stress. It also allowed for stimulation by his pubic bone (which is the reason for most intercourse orgasm) to help me climax.
No partner should be giving details and names about past relationships, there is no good reason for that. general statements should be enough to explain things.
No partner should be giving details and names about past relationships, there is no good reason for that. general statements should be enough to explain things.
I am in the same boat. My partner knows I have trouble reaching orgasm through intercourse, so he has shown me how we can be more creative. I've stopped dwelling on what I can't do and focus on what works. We have a great sex life and I don't feel left out or self conscious anymore.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Stop hurting him? How about he should stop hurting you? What was he doing telling you how orgasmic his girlfriend was? This is not ordinary talk between lovers. It is especially suspect when you are having trouble with orgasms. I think he may have brought his ex girlfriend up to punish you- because he was feeling insecure about the fact that you didn't have orgasms.( or even for some non sexual reason) . I consider it a swipe at you to tell you about his ex's constant orgasms. Who wants to hear something like that from their lover? No one.
That said- this is not a race between you and anyone else-- much less his ex girlfriend. People have their own sexual style and abilities and so what if she had orgasms through vaginal intercourse.? Some women do-but most women don't. His ex is the exception- you are the rule. It is no shame or dishonor not to have orgasms during intercourse. Having orgasms orally or in any other way is just as good as having them during intercourse.
The point is to make love with each other-- not to have to perfrom a certain trick.
Do let go of this fixation with his girlfriend. SHe is history- you are here. There were some reasons they broke up-so even if their sex life was spiffy- it doesn't mean they were a better couple. Tell him what you need and experiment with what gives you an orgasm. Take it slow and enjoy the forplay -if you want him to have intercourse with you- tell him that you want him. While there are plenty of ways to have great orgasms and a great sexual relationship , you can tell him that you still want to have intercourse regularly with him. Your enthusiastic desire for him ought to encourage him to have intercourse with you. Get the ex girlfriend out of you mind and out of your fantasies-- tell him you don't want to hear about her- or other women-then relax, enjoy sex and don't worry about 'vaginal " orgasm with a beau. Some women have an easy time having an orgasm,,many do not. Some men are good at technique, others are mediocre. I don't know what his talents are but some of your inability to have an orgasm vaginally may be his lack of fore play. Read a few books and see if you are really getting what you need for as long as you need. In any case, don't torture yourself about what kind of orgasm you have. Just enjoy your relationships- and get your boyfriend to shape up and be more discreet and graceful about his past life.
That said- this is not a race between you and anyone else-- much less his ex girlfriend. People have their own sexual style and abilities and so what if she had orgasms through vaginal intercourse.? Some women do-but most women don't. His ex is the exception- you are the rule. It is no shame or dishonor not to have orgasms during intercourse. Having orgasms orally or in any other way is just as good as having them during intercourse.
The point is to make love with each other-- not to have to perfrom a certain trick.
Do let go of this fixation with his girlfriend. SHe is history- you are here. There were some reasons they broke up-so even if their sex life was spiffy- it doesn't mean they were a better couple. Tell him what you need and experiment with what gives you an orgasm. Take it slow and enjoy the forplay -if you want him to have intercourse with you- tell him that you want him. While there are plenty of ways to have great orgasms and a great sexual relationship , you can tell him that you still want to have intercourse regularly with him. Your enthusiastic desire for him ought to encourage him to have intercourse with you. Get the ex girlfriend out of you mind and out of your fantasies-- tell him you don't want to hear about her- or other women-then relax, enjoy sex and don't worry about 'vaginal " orgasm with a beau. Some women have an easy time having an orgasm,,many do not. Some men are good at technique, others are mediocre. I don't know what his talents are but some of your inability to have an orgasm vaginally may be his lack of fore play. Read a few books and see if you are really getting what you need for as long as you need. In any case, don't torture yourself about what kind of orgasm you have. Just enjoy your relationships- and get your boyfriend to shape up and be more discreet and graceful about his past life.
I think some of the things you should focus on is yourself and with the assistance of your counselor, find out why sex hasn't lived up to your expectations and whether or not you have reasonable expectations.
You have a great opportunity right now to discover yourself and hopefully, once and all get rid of these feelings that have been holding you back and have kept you from getting the most of out of life.
I don't think that experiencing sexual fulfillment will turn your life around. I think you need to do that from the inside out and hopefully with the help of your counselor, you will be able to do that.
I wish you the best of luck !
i don't know how to answer your question without repeating my first post.
i was bitter and heartbroken for a very long time because sex did not live up to my lifelong expectations. i have been depressed nearly all my life anyway. this and other factors made the disappointment especially devastating to me. i know my life wasn't as brutal as many peoples', not by a long shot, but it was so rare for me to have life-affirming experiences, even minor ones, to make it worth enduring all the negatives. i got so few examples that life could actually feel good, and so i became jealous of others. and since sex/romance is such a basic need, and i was so desperate, of course i took it very badly when it wasn't what i had been led to believe. my outlook darkened to grim cynicism. i was so miserable i drove people away, i burned bridges and squandered any resources and opportunities that were still available to me. experiencing sexual fulfillment may not have turned my life around, but it would have been such a brilliant contrast to the numb gray void i was living in.
i was bitter and heartbroken for a very long time because sex did not live up to my lifelong expectations. i have been depressed nearly all my life anyway. this and other factors made the disappointment especially devastating to me. i know my life wasn't as brutal as many peoples', not by a long shot, but it was so rare for me to have life-affirming experiences, even minor ones, to make it worth enduring all the negatives. i got so few examples that life could actually feel good, and so i became jealous of others. and since sex/romance is such a basic need, and i was so desperate, of course i took it very badly when it wasn't what i had been led to believe. my outlook darkened to grim cynicism. i was so miserable i drove people away, i burned bridges and squandered any resources and opportunities that were still available to me. experiencing sexual fulfillment may not have turned my life around, but it would have been such a brilliant contrast to the numb gray void i was living in.
I do better when I don't compare myself with the neighbor's, friends, ex's, etc.
Envy is not an emotion is that is healthy for me so I just don't go there.
People who envy aren't satisfied with what they have because they want what someone else has.
I guess the real question here is... why aren't you satisfied with what you have and why are you letting something like this bother you so much?
wow thanks you guys -- i feel alot better. i think my boyfriend understands a little better what i'm sensitive about--he leaves me alone so i can have my feelings instead of getting impatient and telling me to grow up. okay, so i'm still not willing to let go of the possibility that my boyfriend's ex was a multiorgasmic machine. maybe i'm trying to force myself to face my feelings about not getting the sex life i always wanted. anyway, i'm going to say "yes, but..." 2 more times and then i'll try to shut up.
1-he told me it was a bit of an ordeal to stay hard and keep going long enough to make her come. what would be the point of requiring him to have intercourse that long? if she was not really having orgasms, she wouldn't gain anything from doing this.
he also said there was a portion of their sex life when he couldn't "go" very long, and would give her "lots of oral" to make up for it, but she was still disappointed in the meantime. again, that only makes sense under the assumption that she DID have orgasms this way.
2-why would she keep having sex with him over and over again whenever they got together over the course of 7 years if the sex wasn't satisfactory? if it was me, i think i would have just gradually lost interest in sex.
anyway thanks for the feedback guys -- it's been very encouraging.
p.s. that remark about envy is very true. my therapist is constantly telling me the same thing. it's really my main weakness.
1-he told me it was a bit of an ordeal to stay hard and keep going long enough to make her come. what would be the point of requiring him to have intercourse that long? if she was not really having orgasms, she wouldn't gain anything from doing this.
he also said there was a portion of their sex life when he couldn't "go" very long, and would give her "lots of oral" to make up for it, but she was still disappointed in the meantime. again, that only makes sense under the assumption that she DID have orgasms this way.
2-why would she keep having sex with him over and over again whenever they got together over the course of 7 years if the sex wasn't satisfactory? if it was me, i think i would have just gradually lost interest in sex.
anyway thanks for the feedback guys -- it's been very encouraging.
p.s. that remark about envy is very true. my therapist is constantly telling me the same thing. it's really my main weakness.
"why would she keep having sex with him over and over again whenever they got together over the course of 7 years if the sex wasn't satisfactory?"
One reason is because sex is a very powerful and useful weapon. (or tool, if you would like that term better). You are clearly very, very emotionally invested in this whole issue. It is controlling you more than you might realize. Step back, take a breath, and understand it is not involving you. Let it go and you will feel free.
One reason is because sex is a very powerful and useful weapon. (or tool, if you would like that term better). You are clearly very, very emotionally invested in this whole issue. It is controlling you more than you might realize. Step back, take a breath, and understand it is not involving you. Let it go and you will feel free.
I'm glad the others said something about it being common that many women do not orgasm through sexual intercourse alone. This may seem like a silly comment but I was watching Sex TV once and they did a whole show on the idea of vaginal orgasm (through sex) vs. clitoral orgasm. Basically, the show explain what the other people in this forum posted...Not all women can. In fact, most women cannot (only the lucky ones get the easy route to orgasm) :) Anyways, the show also suggested that many vaginal orgasms are actually caused by clitoral stimulation. Either the clitoris is rubbing on his pubic bone while having sex, OR the clitoris is stimulated mentally. Many women (in fact most if i may say so) fantasize or imagine things that are sexy to them when trying to reach orgasm. This mental stimulation is sent from the brain to the clitoris. Even though the woman may be having sexual intercourse at the time and may not be having any physical stimulation of hte clitoris, the mental stimulation through fantasizing is enough to send her into orgasm. The whole point of my rambling is that some (not all, but some) vaginal orgasm can actually be attributed to clitoral stimulation.
AND, I wouldn't be so concerned that you abstained from sex or that you had difficulty with orgasm. THe female body is complex and orgasm isn't easy...it's a lotof work for both the man and the woman!
I don't think that self-esteem has anything to do with your issue since you don't have a prob with your bf telling you about his ex, which is very strong of you. I think you have NO PROBLEM AT ALL and that you are perfectly normal. Just enjoy the sex and don't worry about the past. Focus on the pleasure of the present and enjoy an orgasm regardless of how you have one...it's that you got one!!!
Peace,
Teresa
AND, I wouldn't be so concerned that you abstained from sex or that you had difficulty with orgasm. THe female body is complex and orgasm isn't easy...it's a lotof work for both the man and the woman!
I don't think that self-esteem has anything to do with your issue since you don't have a prob with your bf telling you about his ex, which is very strong of you. I think you have NO PROBLEM AT ALL and that you are perfectly normal. Just enjoy the sex and don't worry about the past. Focus on the pleasure of the present and enjoy an orgasm regardless of how you have one...it's that you got one!!!
Peace,
Teresa
I JUST WANT U TO KNOW THAT U ARE NOT ALONE. I HAVE NOT MET ONE SINGLE WOMAN THAT I KNOW PERSONALLY WHO HAS EVER HAD AN ORGASM DURING INTERCOURSE. IN FACT, I READ SOMEWHERE, THAT ONLY ABOUT 20% OF WOMEN HAVE ORGASMS DURING INTERCOURSE. I USED TO THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE. THEN I THINK ABOUT ALL OF THE GUYS WHO BELIEVE THEY ARE SOOOOOO GOOD IN BED AND WONDER IF THE WOMEN THEY SLEPT WITH PREVIOUSLY WERE FAKING IT BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TELL THE GUY WHAT THEY WANTED. (SORRY, I GOT A LITTLE UPSET THERE.) IN FACT, LIKE OTHERS I FAKED IT A LOT TOO JUST TO GET IT OVER WITH AND GET THE GUY OFF OF ME. IT'S SO EASY FOR A WOMAN TO FAKE IT. THE POINT IS DON'T FEEL BAD BECAUSE HE SUPPOSEDLY GAVE THIS WOMAN ORGASMS THAT WERE OFF THE CHAIN. IT PROBABLY DIDN'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT. EITHER SHE FAKED MOST OF THEM OR HE IS EXAGGERATING (OR ONLY REMEMBERING THE GOOD TIMES). DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. DO WHAT U KNOW AND TRY DIFFERENT TECHNIQUES TO SEE IF CERTAIN THINGS WILL HELP IN THE PROCESS. U KNOW THERE ARE TONS OF TOYS OUT THERE THAT GIVE PLENTY OF CLITORAL STIMULATION IF U HAVEN'T TRIED ANY. IN THE MEAN TIME, STICK TO WHAT U KNOW. GOOD LUCK.
I swear your description of her "1 or 2 little ones before the big one" was like you read from my script back in the day. That is exactly what I did. Makes a guy feel like it is real, easier to fool them that way. Ahhh, back when as a teen I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I, too, dealt with some pretty seroius issues in my childhood. Alcoholic and abusive mother, step brother who took any chance he could to exercise control over me, beginning with sexual abuse, once he was caught in that he moved to verbal and violent physical attacks, and then having to hear and see the parade of men my mother brought through her house gave me the completely wrong perception of what a healthy sexual relationship is supposed to be composed of. I imagine the same holds true for this girl. But enough about stuff related to her, she is history, right?
Anyway, back to what I see as the real issue at hand. I am happy you have been able to gain some measure of comfort in the words written here. On some level I think his retelling of his previous encounters has left a mark on you. It has brought up some pretty painful memories and has caused you to feel the need to compare yourself to his ex on some levels. First, she is his ex for a reason. I do think he needs to exercise some discretion in his discussions, especially since it bothers you on some level. I'm kind of ornery, I would probably stop him cold in his tracks the next time he brought it up by pointing out she was probably faking it.
And probably more important than any issue directly related to him is the way you feel about yourself and your insecurity regarding orgasm. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you understand that your inability to have an orgasm through intercourse is in no way a defect or problem with you, personally or physically. It is what it is, normal : )
Okay, it is late and I am a little rummy : ) Hopefully some of this made sense.
Andi
Anyway, back to what I see as the real issue at hand. I am happy you have been able to gain some measure of comfort in the words written here. On some level I think his retelling of his previous encounters has left a mark on you. It has brought up some pretty painful memories and has caused you to feel the need to compare yourself to his ex on some levels. First, she is his ex for a reason. I do think he needs to exercise some discretion in his discussions, especially since it bothers you on some level. I'm kind of ornery, I would probably stop him cold in his tracks the next time he brought it up by pointing out she was probably faking it.
And probably more important than any issue directly related to him is the way you feel about yourself and your insecurity regarding orgasm. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you understand that your inability to have an orgasm through intercourse is in no way a defect or problem with you, personally or physically. It is what it is, normal : )
Okay, it is late and I am a little rummy : ) Hopefully some of this made sense.
Andi
do you may be think that it's maybe you who have low self esteem....but in my opionion i do'nt think he should have told you those things and if it's constantly i could understand why u feel hurt....may be you guys need to go counselling before going further...tell him gently that you don't appreciate that it's constanly being said & if he doesn't like it then you should leave him....good luck hon...:)
thank you, too, for your input! i admit it is always comforting to hear other women say they don't get off from intercourse. would you believe when i went to my high school therapist and asked her tearfully why i couldn't have orgasms, she never even mentioned the fact that intercourse isn't enough for most women? i am still angry about it, because i think it would have made a big difference, maybe enough to let go of my shame and try other activities.
as far as my boyfriend's ex leading him on -- i realize it sounds a little farfetched, and i thought about that. he gave some details (when i asked) that sound pretty compelling--namely that she didn't always come this way, but when she did, she would have 1 or 2 small orgasms before she had one that was "big" enough to be ultimately satisfying. in fact he said sometimes it took him a lot of effort to keep going that long (he said the zoloft helped). this doesn't sound like something a guy would be sophisticated enough to make up; maybe i'm being naive. but in addition, he believes that the reason she was so sexually responsive is that she was sexualized at a young age via sexual abuse, as well as by acting out sexually with some of her (ugh!) siblings. and this isn't even the worst of her family history, so honestly at this point i could believe anything he told me about her. basically, sex was very familiar to her by the time they started dating. i believe that you're right that men like to feel like spectacular lovers, in fact they might need to, so for example him telling me about the one time they reached orgasm simultaneously may have been a manifestation of this. the fact that he said it only happened once does make it seem authentic though -- if you're going to lie, why say it only happened one time?
as far as my boyfriend's ex leading him on -- i realize it sounds a little farfetched, and i thought about that. he gave some details (when i asked) that sound pretty compelling--namely that she didn't always come this way, but when she did, she would have 1 or 2 small orgasms before she had one that was "big" enough to be ultimately satisfying. in fact he said sometimes it took him a lot of effort to keep going that long (he said the zoloft helped). this doesn't sound like something a guy would be sophisticated enough to make up; maybe i'm being naive. but in addition, he believes that the reason she was so sexually responsive is that she was sexualized at a young age via sexual abuse, as well as by acting out sexually with some of her (ugh!) siblings. and this isn't even the worst of her family history, so honestly at this point i could believe anything he told me about her. basically, sex was very familiar to her by the time they started dating. i believe that you're right that men like to feel like spectacular lovers, in fact they might need to, so for example him telling me about the one time they reached orgasm simultaneously may have been a manifestation of this. the fact that he said it only happened once does make it seem authentic though -- if you're going to lie, why say it only happened one time?
thanks for the comment. i can see why you would think he was trying to show off, but the fact is he has bared himself to me in ways that are certainly not flattering to him sexually, including mentioning periods when he couldn't get hard or 'last very long.' he has also given accounts of sex with his subsequent girlfriends which often contrast sharply with his first. (there haven't been that many--he's very much a Relationship Guy, which i think says something about his maturity level) actually my theory about why he brought her up the way he did is that he was VERY much in love with her at the time, but their relationship is history now, so he wants to feel like he at least came out of it with memories of "this fun thing we did when we were crazy kids." i wish it didn't sting me to hear about it, but i certainly never had anything that when i was that age, sexually or romantically. he also is aware, from being with other girls, that his first ex was not typical; she had orgasms more easily than most women. so it's actually a problem when i ask him to try to imagine what it was like for me, because his opinion is that since my sexual history isn't uncommon, i should just adjust my attitude and get over it.
Pyro- Please don't feel like something is wrong with you. I have been secually active for many years and have never had a real climax from vaginal intercourse or stimulation alone. The only way for me to climax is through clitoral stimulation. And that is actually quite common.
I am a little concerned he is upset that you are bothered. Ideally he would try to work with you to help you cope with your feelings. But hey, not all men are sensitive to that kind of stuff, if they were wouldn;t they be women (just kidding) If you aren't bothered by the actual discussion regarding his previous partner, kudos to you. I may be a bit bothered by it, especially if I felt he was flaunting it. But please do not let their previous encounters make you feel like less of a woman or like a substandard partner. In fact, I would be willing to lay a small chunk of change on the fact that she probably didn't have quite as many vaginal orgasm's as she let on. I know I had every former lover believing that he was the best ever and they are probably still bragging about it. I suffered from pretty low self esteem back then, didn't think of sex as a two way street. It wasn't until I got married that I found what a truly good sexual relationship should be. I also found that prevoius partners that spoke in detail of their previous relationships were dealing with their own bouts of low self esteem.
And lastly to IslandPrincess: Exactly how many threads on Medhelp are you going to hijack? Not only is that unbelievably rude, but against the terms and conditions of the website. Please wait your turn. If the threads are full, wait and try again the next day. Quit jumping on every else's thread for goodness sake.
Andi
I am a little concerned he is upset that you are bothered. Ideally he would try to work with you to help you cope with your feelings. But hey, not all men are sensitive to that kind of stuff, if they were wouldn;t they be women (just kidding) If you aren't bothered by the actual discussion regarding his previous partner, kudos to you. I may be a bit bothered by it, especially if I felt he was flaunting it. But please do not let their previous encounters make you feel like less of a woman or like a substandard partner. In fact, I would be willing to lay a small chunk of change on the fact that she probably didn't have quite as many vaginal orgasm's as she let on. I know I had every former lover believing that he was the best ever and they are probably still bragging about it. I suffered from pretty low self esteem back then, didn't think of sex as a two way street. It wasn't until I got married that I found what a truly good sexual relationship should be. I also found that prevoius partners that spoke in detail of their previous relationships were dealing with their own bouts of low self esteem.
And lastly to IslandPrincess: Exactly how many threads on Medhelp are you going to hijack? Not only is that unbelievably rude, but against the terms and conditions of the website. Please wait your turn. If the threads are full, wait and try again the next day. Quit jumping on every else's thread for goodness sake.
Andi
I don't think you are the one that needs to worry about hurting him, I think he should be more understanding and maybe put himself in your position and ask himself how he would feel. He needs to understand that people are different and have different needs. I have a few friends that cannot climax from vaginal intercourse alone. It's nothing that is rare. Is it possible for you to get him to look at it from your point of view? It sounds like you have already laid everything out there and he just thinks you're overreacting. Explain to him it's not the talking about it, it's the painful issues you are reminded of when he brings it up and there is really no need to talk about details like that with a new girlfriend, in my opinion. Do you think he may be trying to "impress" you a little, so you think he's a Casanova?
sorry to hijack but the posting was full...I'm getting sorta sick of my fiance is some thing wrong with feeling choked??? yesterday i wanted to go for my results on my own & he came along with me (well i failed) & so ashamed to show him my grade but he kept on insisting......i get really pissed, (well this kinda explains why i can't concieve as yet) my heart is some where.....i don't want to start any dramas with him to hurt his feelings cuz i love him.....but is something wrong with feeling to be with out him sometimes.....this year we had a huge fight b/cuz i wanted to go clubbing with out him & accused me of having an affair" which i almost did" i know it's wrong to feel to do that, but he's always under me....we don't live together so we would see each other on five times for the whole week & if i'm away from him at least a day he calls saying he's missing me (not don't get me wrong i love that about him) but just i have important things i do with my friends, like studying or bible study, or music....i want to continue to put him first but, but i don't want to leave any of my things undone to be surrouned by him alone.....(he may sometimes be a bit to time consuming where i would want to scream), but that's love right?? i just want to know if when i get married to him next year if i would want to run away??? is this right??? or am not ready for marriage???
please re-read what i said: it ISN'T the fact that he's talking about his former girlfriend that upsets me. what upsets me is that her sex life with him reminded me of what i always wanted out of sex but never had. self esteem doesn't really figure into it; since when does wanting a higher orgasmic capacity have anything to do with self-esteem? incidentally, now that he knows i'm sensitive about it, he doesn't really talk about sex experiences with her anymore. if he talks about fun things he did with former girlfriends he usually uses anonymous pronouns. also, please at least let the advisor respond to my question before you start bringing up your own unrelated problems.
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