First time sex

[david46]

Do you believe a persons first time sex is important. I'am a 55 yr old male. I was a virgin until 19, scared to death of girls, no dating hardly at all. I went into the service and my first sexual encounter was with a prostitute. I have since gone through 4-marriages it seems as though I find love but always drift back to sexual relations with a prostitute. I feel as though if I would have had a gf as my first time my life would be different. Now with hiv, it scares me, but I can't seem to stop. Is there anyway to get help for this problem.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

It sounds like the anonymity of being with a stranger is important to you. Perhaps now you should examine what's difficult about being sexual with someone you know or care about. I'm getting a hint from your words about feeling "bad and terrible" that you have some judgments about sex. Perhaps some old stuff about it being nasty or dirty? This can be a turn-on, but can also contribute to you subconsciously making judgments about women who are sexual--including any with whom you might have a relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar? Many men get messages about the "nastiness" of sex, and then find themselves unable to accept that "good" women have sexual feelings, just like men, so they can only function with "bad" women. More stuff for you to examine... Dr. J.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

David:

If you believe your actions are being judged by your religion, you owe it to yourself to do some research into the origins of some of these beliefs. It might be helpful for you to have some background about where some of these messages come from. Let me recommend two very important books written by a respected educator/clergyman:

"The Poisoning of Eros," Raymond J. Lawrence
"Sexual Liberation," Raymond J. Lawrence

[david46]

I really can't understand why I do the things I do. I fight within myself not to do it for all kind of reasons, but it seems as though another more powerful force inside of me takes over to where I become a different person and I can't stop once it's turned on. I know after it's over I'll cry and beat myself up for doing it, along with feeling bad for several days knowing it's wrong in god's eyes. After that the process starts all over again, it's been this way since my first sexual experience.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi David.

I don’t deal in “beliefs,” but facts. So here are some that may be helpful to you:

Many men “imprint” on a person, object or activity the first time they’re sexual with someone.This becomes a terrific turn-on for the rest of their life.  This is why the lingerie industry is so successful!  It sounds like the interaction with a sex worker is very arousing for you.

It’s great that you’ve found what turns you on; however, if you find it limiting or dissatisfying on many levels, think about expanding your primary turn-on so that you can experience something similar within a relationship.

The first step would be to examine all the facets of this turn-on. Just WHAT are the things about it that arouse you? Is it the IDEA of paying for sex, the fact that you have no relationship with the woman, the “naughtiness” of it, etc.? You get the idea.

Once you’ve determined those, write back, and we’ll look at the next step. Dr. J

[david46]

Those are very helpful thoughts. It seems as though I get turned on by the setting up the arrangment, the thought of meeting a complete stranger. No embrassing moments. My biggest problem is after it is over with driving back home I feel so bad and terrible about what I have done. To where the experience of the moment was great but the after is bad feelings.