Grummpy husband!!!

[ninna1967]

I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs. My husband will not make love to me. He said that I am not his body type. I asked him why did you married me if I am not your body type, because I love his kids. That HURTED me very much. I feel like I'm the dum one here. I met his ex-wife and she is big size then me. Before I met him he was having sex with other woman that they were married. And I asked him was that the life you wanted better? I must of gain 20lbs, but that what happens when you get married. I am a ways the one hugging him kissing him and always the one on top of him. i need help what should I do?????????

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

First, there's no way to know why people get married. For some, it's because of loneliness. Others seek someone to care for them or their children. In short, sexual attraction isn't always part of the matrix.

Having said that, there's actually no way that we can guess why your husband doesn't want to have sex with you. It's possible he's using your appearance as an excuse.

You need to get real, honest answers from him. If you’re feeling unattractive, unloved, lonely, etc., it’s time to talk about it. It’s understandable that his energy for sex has diminished if he’s tired and stressed. Or there may be something else going on, and he’s looking for an opening to tell you. Only one way to find out: ask.

For instance, if he's spending lots of time working, he may be tired and stressed. Or it may be something else entirely, and he doesn't know how to talk about it. So you two need to sit down and discuss this—but not in an accusatory way. Don’t attack him, because when you attack someone, what happens? That’s right; they get defensive—and with good reason. To have a constructive discussion, share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational manner—and use “I” statements. That means you share your feelings without blaming or accusing him. For instance, you might say: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. I appreciate how hard you’re working these days. I really do miss you. I miss being close, and I miss being sexual. I know it’s because you’re tired, and I’m not complaining. I’m just wondering if we can work out something so we can still have sex and be close?” You get the picture. Offer some possible solutions too.

How about getting up a little earlier and having sex in the morning? Many men love having sex in the morning—and many women are uncomfortable with the idea because they don’t feel attractive. So get up a few minutes early, brush your teeth, comb your hair—whatever else you need to do to feel attractive—and get back into bed with him. Also ask him what are HIS best times? Perhaps Saturday evenings when he’s had a chance to relax a bit? And would he like to try some new things? Maybe dress you up? The possibilities are endless, so get going. You can still have yummy sex for the rest of your life; you’ll just need to invest in a little communication and creativity. Good luck! Dr. J

[daisey16]

this is about him not you. you are his wife, it is his job to love you, it seems that he is using your new weight as an excuse, but he needs to get over it and love you always. If you want to get in better shape and lose some weight for yourself or your husband that is your choice. He needs to not blame your body for him not pleasing you, there is another reason he won't, an underlying issue, the five love languages are physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation, maybe his primary love language is not physical touch, figure out what is is and make him feel loved he may respond with yours of physical touch. well good luck
praying for you