I'm eighteen years of age, involved in a long term monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
I was sexually abused at a young age (between six and eight, I can't remember,) by a couple of neighborhood boys. My parents never knew about this. As I became more sexually mature, I realized that the abuse left me with a warped sexual drive. I am turned on by S/M, rape, and other sexual violence of that nature. I've come to terms with this aspect of myself and I don't think that it's a problem mentally for me. I don't seek out abuse, nor do I wish to administer it. It's purely fantasy. My personal fantasies include mostly situations where I am at the complete whim of a caring, yet firm male partner.
Only recently have we discussed our sexual natures with each other in the fullest, and that's when he learned of my personal fantasies. He was very supportive, and he even said he would be willing to live my fantasy with me. I agreed, and now he 'owns' me. For the first two weeks this was absolutely thrilling, I enjoyed the best sex of my life, yet was still unable to get off. After that, our arrangement began to seep into our practical lives and has left us with some challenges. The largest being that he doesn't want me to work.
My father always liked to spend too much money, and if it weren't for my mother's financial diligence I would have been homeless growing up. My mother made very sure to teach me that I needed to be completely self sufficient, regardless of who I was seeing. This fight between what I know to be true morally and my desire to be only what my partner wants me to be is really hurting my sex life. Sex is bland, pointless and no longer fun for me. I don't know how to make my fantasy work practically, and now without it sex doesn't do anything for me.
I don't know who to talk to about this, so I'm hoping the doctors here can shed some light on my problem. Thank you so much for trying to help.