"Friend Zone" Forever??

[frosty789]

I dated a gorgeous mademoiselle a few years ago in high school, we ended up deciding to slow down and just be friends, and she came to college in the same city as my school (I'm a year older).  Throughout her freshman and sophomore years we've been seeing each other about once or twice a week on average, as friends... going out to eat alot, concerts, etc.  Long story short I've been head over heals for this girl for years, but she says she just doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, I'm just her best friend and a good listener.  She's made it clear that she hasn't felt that way about anyone else either, though.

The suspicious part is that her menstrual cycle has been wacky since she graduated high school, as in she's had her period twice in two years.  The doctors are attributing it to stress from school.  I'm wondering if there might be an underlying hormone/chemical imbalance to all this?  As a side-note, she did moderately well academically in high school, but after two years at college she has a 4.0 and is transferring to the ivy league.  I've seen a huge psychological transition in her, positive in every way, except now ironically I can't win her heart back :'-(.  I'm just curious if there could be any biological cause...

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Frosty.

Believe it or not, this has happened to most of us—including yours truly. Let’s get one thing straight: the fact that she’s not attracted to you has nothing to do with hormones, phases of the moon, her astrological sign, etc. Sorry, but she’s just not into you sexually, and she’s been very clear about it. And it’s not that you can’t “win her heart back”—you never had it, except as a friend.

It may take you some time to accept this, and you may also need time to grieve before you move on. How long depends on you.

You have two options: 1) wallow in it for as long as you need. By that I mean grieve, and grieve, and grieve. This will drive your friends crazy, but that’s what friends are for, right? 2) Let it go. Start a new life without the expectation that the two of you are “two.” Find ways to meet new people and get excited about new things. In short, move on.

If you find yourself stuck on 1), here are some questions you might ask yourself: is this a pattern in my life? Am I consistently attracted to unavailable things/people? Do I feel somehow unworthy? Is it exciting for me to strive for the unattainable?

I don’t have the answers for you, but these questions are a good place to start. Best of luck. Dr. J

[portuguese mom]

She is not interested in you from a sexual point of view. Aren't you glad that she was honest and does not want to waste your time?  The best solution for you, is to accept and date others.  You might actually find someone that thinks that you are her prince, wants to be sexual with you and even be the mother of your children.  This mademoiselle is not that one and she has a good head on her shoulders: she is honest and communicated so to you. Move on!

[frosty789]

Okay, point taken.  I think I needed this blunt point of view and for that I thank you.  

However, first of all, I would be "winning her back," because we did have a solid romantic relationship in the past.  Secondly, I don't know if the effects of hormones should be equated with those of lunar cycles or astrology...  I know hormones can play a role in behavior and emotions, so in my fit of vane denial I thought I'd run a radical theory by an expert.

Your questions for me to ask myself are interesting, because I've answered yes to them all.  I don't really know what that means, but I'll keep it in mind.

Thanks again.