Extensive sex desire

[Auburndale]

I find that I have excessive desire to have sex. At least once a day or some time as many as three times a day. I'm married for twelve years, my son is ten, since my son’s birth, my wife has not been able satisfy me. She never refuses but I just am not satisfied. It just drifts my attention towards other options which I don't want to take or jeopardize my marriage, mean while I’m over desired for sex and look towards the internet sites which I hate the most. If you have any suggestions on how to reduce this over desire for sex or to control it.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

So you’re interested in sex, but aren’t turned on by your wife? I’m wondering if you have any ideas about why your wife is no longer turning you on? It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you found attractive or interesting about her in the past. Has anything changed? Are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless of circumstances with her?

And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your marriage? Are there any family or work crises? All of these can contribute to a feeling of wanting something new or different in order to distract yourself from some very real issues.

Also be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with your wife?

There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.

So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself.

I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Dr. J

[slow_healer]

Your post is very vague as to what it is you find lacking in your relationship with your wife? Is it her appearance? Her enthusiasm? Is it simply that "seven year itch" that most people go through simply being bored of the same partner?

[blob9999]

I find excercise can help.  It releases endorphins, tires you out.  I think you should try get down reguarly to the gym - maybe five times a week if you can.  Not only will you get fit but I think it will help control those urges - you release them at the gym.