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Lack of desire the real issue?
Hello,
I am a 28-yr-old woman with a few problems. I have been married for a year and a half to a wonderful man. We had an 800-mile long distance relationship. I was a virgin. I've never really had a sex drive; anytime I got intimate with someone, the actions were objectified in my mind: "His hand is on my __." "Now he's doing this." "Maybe I should ___." At any rate, we had sex somewhat often, and that was OK with me. I never really got used to it, and it seemed that when I tried to initiate it, I was awkward and picked all the wrong times. He also prefers cleanness: brushing teeth before kissing, showering before sex (if it's been since the morning since we've showered), etc. Despite climaxing on my own, I have never climaxed with him. Over time, sex declined, but life continued as best friends. There wasn't much intimacy unless I initiated it. Finally, he told me he thought it best if we split up because he feels like he married his sister. He also said we weren't "normal" because sex and love should be like what's in the movies. I asked if it was basically just about sex, and he said yes. We went to counseling, but after a few solo sessions, the counselor focused on my self-esteem and inadequecies rather than our problem. As a couple, things have gotten better. He does hang out with friends and plays golf a lot, but I go with him sometimes. We've talked a lot about what bothers us, I've worked hard to be a better wife, and we've been laughing again. The sex still needs work, but it's better. Intimacy is still lower than I want it: cheek kisses, usually when asked. I just can't get over the fact that he gave up, in my mind, so quickly...and gave sex as the reason. I'm always worried that he's just sticking around because he feels guilty having me move so far away and giving up everything to make our relationship work. I guess I'm just looking for some sign of normalcy here--in myself and our relationship.
I am a 28-yr-old woman with a few problems. I have been married for a year and a half to a wonderful man. We had an 800-mile long distance relationship. I was a virgin. I've never really had a sex drive; anytime I got intimate with someone, the actions were objectified in my mind: "His hand is on my __." "Now he's doing this." "Maybe I should ___." At any rate, we had sex somewhat often, and that was OK with me. I never really got used to it, and it seemed that when I tried to initiate it, I was awkward and picked all the wrong times. He also prefers cleanness: brushing teeth before kissing, showering before sex (if it's been since the morning since we've showered), etc. Despite climaxing on my own, I have never climaxed with him. Over time, sex declined, but life continued as best friends. There wasn't much intimacy unless I initiated it. Finally, he told me he thought it best if we split up because he feels like he married his sister. He also said we weren't "normal" because sex and love should be like what's in the movies. I asked if it was basically just about sex, and he said yes. We went to counseling, but after a few solo sessions, the counselor focused on my self-esteem and inadequecies rather than our problem. As a couple, things have gotten better. He does hang out with friends and plays golf a lot, but I go with him sometimes. We've talked a lot about what bothers us, I've worked hard to be a better wife, and we've been laughing again. The sex still needs work, but it's better. Intimacy is still lower than I want it: cheek kisses, usually when asked. I just can't get over the fact that he gave up, in my mind, so quickly...and gave sex as the reason. I'm always worried that he's just sticking around because he feels guilty having me move so far away and giving up everything to make our relationship work. I guess I'm just looking for some sign of normalcy here--in myself and our relationship.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
There's nothing you can do to "make" yourself feel a certain way. What you CAN do, however, is to explore what turns you on--not just with your husband. Do you allow yourself to fantasize and get turned on? Ask yourself what kinds of fantasies you have, what kinds of people, behaviors, etc. turn you on in fantasy. There may be some clues there as to your erotic personality. Also examine your need to be in control. Where does this come from? What are you afraid of? What's it like to give up control? Could that be a turn on for you? These are all issues to examine with yourself and then discuss with a therapist if you find yourself stuck. Dr. J
My problem is that I don't like to let go and let people see me in a vulnerable state. I like being in control of myself at all times, so no showing of extreme emotions (happiness, sadness), no drinking, etc. It stems from being teased in school for showing emotion (usually crying). I'm getting better with it; the last time we had sex was the most "out of control" I've felt. Also, I was always the one who had to put the brakes on intimacy in relationships. For him, he's said that after my obvious distancing during sex, it's more like work for him, so he fears trying. With the testosterone injection, it's gotten easier for me to get in the mood, and we've been more "regular" with our intimacy. I know I'm different in the fact that I don't place that much value on sex. I lovev my husband deeply; he's my best friend and I do find him attractive. Is this lack of desire simply some chemical imbalance? What can I do to make myself more interested and relaxed about sex?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
It isn’t clear to me what your question is, because you haven’t actually asked one. Here are my observations:
1. You’re able to orgasm during self-pleasuring, so obviously you can, in fact, get turned on without distancing yourself. However, this only happens when you’re alone. With your husband, you distance yourself by spectatoring (His hand is on my…, etc.”) This serves to protect you from whatever it is about sex with him that’s problematic for you. This is something you need to explore in therapy.
2. Your husband may or may not be aroused by sex with you. It sounds as though he is also distancing himself, and most comfortable with a roommate-type relationship.
Your next step is to see a therapist who is skilled at helping couples talk about, gain insight into, and ultimately resolve sexual concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
It isn’t clear to me what your question is, because you haven’t actually asked one. Here are my observations:
1. You’re able to orgasm during self-pleasuring, so obviously you can, in fact, get turned on without distancing yourself. However, this only happens when you’re alone. With your husband, you distance yourself by spectatoring (His hand is on my…, etc.”) This serves to protect you from whatever it is about sex with him that’s problematic for you. This is something you need to explore in therapy.
2. Your husband may or may not be aroused by sex with you. It sounds as though he is also distancing himself, and most comfortable with a roommate-type relationship.
Your next step is to see a therapist who is skilled at helping couples talk about, gain insight into, and ultimately resolve sexual concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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