need a female opinion

[slinky110]

i really need help on this one. ive been with my gf for 3 years and we have had our ups and downs like any relationship. last year she started workin nights and we hardly see each other or its in passing.  she has told me that when we have sex, while she knows that i will do anything to please her, that it just doesnt last long enough for her to ***. she says that while she enjoys me going down on her, that she gets tired of it. so she doesnt want to have sex at all. ive noticed though, that she has been using her sex toys. should i take this as a sign that i am bad in bed. if so, how can i improve without cheating because i love her very much

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

No one can tell you why your girlfriend is avoiding sex, because, duh! All we can do is guess. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the only way to find out what’s happening is to ask her.

If you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to begin learning to communicate with your partner. Otherwise, you’ll never know what’s going on, and you’ll end up with a string of short relationships, never knowing how the other person feels.

Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. You can't change/fix her unless she's unhappy with the situation too. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).

Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. Is sex mostly about YOUR pleasure rather than hers? Or does she feel that sex is about satisfying you rather than herself?

You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.

So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here.

So you need to talk. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[slinky110]

thats the way we did things. its just that she can have orgasms until shes tired of them, and when i do go down on her, we do it in a 69 position because she likes to watch me jack off while i do her.

[amandadenee]

Next time you guys are doing the deed, try the "ladies first" rule. Most girls wont just say "Ok I'm done, where's the remote?". I personally would rather go first that way Im riled up and I can give my boyfriend all the attention I want. The fact that she straight up told you she gets tired of you going down on her means one of two things: you either don't know what you're doing or you do, but your not paying attention to anything else!! Switch it up a little. As for the sex toys, try and bring them into bed. If she doesn't see that the real thing is better than the toy then and there, well,  then I don't know what to tell ya buddy.