Avatar universal

Problems with BF and other men

Have bf of 3 years. just found out that he is messaging men online for hookups. i know that he has met with one man, once, a few months ago, for anal contact- analingus and fingering. he is still looking online and emailing other men- dont know if this has happened again or he just likes to read and write back to get his kicks. is he bisexual? i love him and want to be with him. we have talked about marriage.  i dont know what to say or do now. what are my next step as far as maintaining our relationship and for my own sexual health?
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523042 tn?1212177895

Great questions! You’ve brought up some very important issues. First, and most important, is what are your agreements in your relationship? Have you talked about whether you’re both comfortable with being sexual with others, and, if so, what are the boundaries? These are important questions in any relationship, and before you go any further, they should be addressed.

Now, about his sexual orientation: You’re not the first person who is confused about sexual orientation. First of all, there’s nothing “wrong” or “abnormal” about his feelings. His sexuality is unique to him. He is who he is. Regarding sexual orientation, sexological research has discovered that many people are very fluid in their sexuality: in fact, people all over the map: exploring same-sex fantasies one day, falling in love with the other sex the next—and every other variation you can think of. Where are you getting this message that you have to make some sort of decision and label him as either hetero- or bisexual? I know it can complicate relationships, but aren’t we more than just what we do with our crotch?

The reason you're confused is because society itself is confused. We try to put everyone in a box labeled gay, straight or bisexual, when, in fact, there's no such thing.

Some of us are born with a strong sexual orientation to one sex or the other, while others of us are more flexible. The problem comes with trying to fit into one of these boxes. We feel we have to define ourselves; and yet, once we do, many of us feel incomplete and confused. That's because sexuality is fluid and indefinable. Many people have sexual experiences with both sexes throughout their lives, as well as falling in love with both sexes. And many people only fall in love with one sex, but are sexually oriented towards both. And vice versa. Life is SOOO complex!

And just to complicate things further, we can change many times over the course of a lifetime. He may be into both women and men for awhile, then women, then men, etc. We can never know what’s around the next corner. Tomorrow you might be walking down the street and fall madly in love with a hippopotamus in a tutu!

So the short answer is: resist putting him in a box and being defined by others. The most important thing for you right now is to decide whether you’re comfortable with his need to also be with men and what this means to your relationship. And, of course, both of you should ALWAYS be using risk reduction as a matter of course. As a first step, I suggest you check out the following resource for people who are in relationships with gay or bisexual partners. There’s lots of good information and sharing. Then, as a next step, it’s time to talk.


Good luck to you! Dr. J
Helpful - 0
784382 tn?1376931040
he is cheating on you and your asking of it ok?....no its not.... if he is fooling aorund with men then yes he is bi sexual or even gay, alot of gay men marry women as a cover up...

have you talked to him about this? i wouldnt continue my relationship with him until you have a GOOD talk with him about what he wants
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Avatar universal
Lola888: He sounds like he is Bisexual, he may be gay, or he may not know what he is. But we do know this, he is not being Honest with you, which is the foundation of your problem, and your dilemma.

First you need to sit down and talk with him, about what it is he is doing, what he is feeling, why he is doing it; find out if he even knows what his sexual orientation is? If he is Bisexual then you both need to come to terms with what his needs and desires are, and how you are going to live an HONEST life together. If he wont do that, or can't do that. Then you don't have an honest future with him, he will be dishonest with himself and others all his life.
You have to do a lot of soul searching and figure out what your willing to live with, and if this is the guy for you. If he is gay, then you don't have a future together; if he is bisexual, then you may, depending on what BOTH of your goals, desires and plans are.

Good luck.
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Avatar universal
im sorry, but i dobelieve tht he is gay/ bi, if u have proof of wat he has done....... confront him, make sure what u r sayin is completely true, n if so ur gonna jus have to move on, :(
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