Relationship problem

[beti714]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. He is a very sweet, generous, and very loving person. Everything is perfect between us, except for our sex life. When we first dated, we had sex almost everyday for the first two months, then once a week, once every two week and for the last two year, we only have sex once every month or every month and a half. And I am the one who initiated it every time. I have tried to let this problem pass since we get along on everything else and he is a wonderful person to be with. But I find it really hard to deal with it. We have talked about this problem couple times, and he said because he is getting older he doesn't want it as much. Sometimes i wonder if he is gay and he said no. Anyway, I am at the age that I think about sex almost everyday and want to do it at least few times a week. It is getting really hard emotionally because I can't masturbate to help with my physical need.

I don't know what I can do to help our sex life to get better. I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life, so I really want to solve this problem between us. Any information or suggestion is greatly appreciated.  

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello

First, I'm curious about why you feel you can't self-pleasure in order to satisfy your sexual needs. If your sexual desire is higher than your partner's, neither of you is "wrong," just different. Think about how you'd handle this if it were a nonsexual situation. You'd probably figure out a way you could participate in your desired activity and he could join you at the times when he was interested. Just because he doesn't want sex as often as you doesn't mean there's necessarily anything wrong.

I will tell you what I tell everyone who asks me what they can do to solve a sexual problem with a partner: communicate.

You say you've talked about this problem, but you don't give details. Perhaps you don't know what to ask?

Unless you’re a mind-reader, how can you possibly know what's going on with him? You haven’t asked him.

Have you looked at your own contributions to the situation? Your next step now is to approach him with the idea of sitting down to talk. It’s important that you don’t adopt an accusatory or angry manner, but instead are loving and accepting. Let him know that whatever he feels, you’ll be supportive—and hope he’ll be the same for you. Point out to him that the two of you need to work this out together. A therapist trained to help couples who have sexual issues can also help the two of you to express your feelings. Good luck to you. Dr. J

[rainyy1]

The best thing to do would sit down and speak to him about it. let him know how your feeling an try not to make him upset by it.

[beti714]

fyi, I am 26 and my bf is 32 years old