Girlfriend cant get over situation, now broken up, what should I do?

[ryn21]

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for many years.  A few months back, she and I had seperated for a little while as we felt a break was necessary.  I ended up finding out she got together with an old friend of mine, which made me very upset.  I in turn ended up talking to one of her friends, badmouthing my girlfriend, saying awful things about her to her friend.  She found out.  Even though the things I said were purely out of spite, she to this day cannot forgive me for what I have done.  

For me, I feel as if its a double standard situation, but two wrongs definitely dont make a right.  Since she found out its been very tough for the relationship.  Trust is lost, sexual desire is lost (she barely even kisses me), and it seems as if we were heading on a fast paced downward spiral from the start of the argument. I love her more than anything, but dont know what to do.  We have talked things over, which seemed to solve the issue for that moment.  But eventually her emotions would take over and she would again resent me for what I had done.  

I know it takes two to make something right, but it also takes two to make a situation go wrong.  I don't put all the blame on her, but like I said I dont know what to do anymore.  The other night we got into an argument and decided that it was time to go our seperate ways. In my heart I know it was the wrong decision. She cant get over what Ive done, and I cant change that.  We have broken up in the past and got back together.  Now I dont know what to do. We were so happy together.  She was the one I wanted to marry.

[jessicas]

lotus leaf hi . yes it is normal . ill tell u why i feel this way . i was in a 6 yrs relationship. i loved my bf but in the end we knew we had tried enuff and it wouldnt go anywhere . at that point in time i needed love , care , support even a friend. so i was vulnerable i met someone one one mnth after i broke up and i started datin him . i told all abou tmy previous relation so that if he felt like he was the rebound guy he could leave but he opted not to  and it so happens that he became a great friend i needed some love cauz i was feelin rejected , lonely and he gave me that and that was that. so its never too late or too soon after a relation ends to start a new one i think . but yes if after one break up rite away we find people for  sex, sex and sex one night stands etc etc then there r deepr issues  i think

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

It is impossible to turn back the clock. That is why we all have to be careful with the ones we love--even when we are in crisis- she has done things to hurt you- you have done things to hurt her.  The only way there is any hope if true and complete forgiveness. It seems that has been impossible to achieve.

   If you really love her still, you can try to get into a theraputic counseling situation as a couple and see  if the therapist can lead you to understanding why each of you acted the way you did and explain it in such a way so that you can- a- understand each other's weakness and motivatons b- believe they wwll not happen again- and c- really and truly forgive each other and make a new commitment.  If this can't or won't happen- then you have to give up the relationship and move on.

[lotus leaf]

please can someone ease my distress over a 5 year relationship that has ended......do you think it's normal for my now ex partner to embark on a brand new relationship after one month of the relationship ended?

[babylove2006]

You are Very Welcome! Let us know how it turns out.

[babylove2006]

I wish you the very best. I know you will find somebody who is right for you. She most certainly does NOT deserve you. You sound like a really sweet guy. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be single. I am a relationship person too.:)

[ryn21]

THANKS BABY AND URONLY FOR THE KIND WORDS AND HELP.  We talked last night and came to the conclusion that her inability to forget about past problems drove us to this difficult situation.  I gave her a choice, either learn to grow up and forgive, otherwise there is no chance we would survive in our relationship.  I mean, christ, I forgave her.

This site is a great tool for many of us.  Im thankful for the site admins and the great support of the people in this forum.  Again, thank you all for your kind words and help with this matter.

[uronlysunshine]

Sometimes, in relationships, people just need time to heal. Othertimes, the pain is too great to be able to ever forget it. It's hard, I know, to see someone you love act in such an unfamiliar way with you. But trust me when I say that sometimes, though fate hands us a direction which is different from our intentions, there is a wisdom behind all the ways in which life tests us. Just have faith in your love, believe that you can make it, and you will overcome all obstacles--if that's what is meant to happen for you.

[ryn21]

That is the way that I tried putting it at first, saying that I was badmouthing out of spite.  But when I bad-mouthed her I said some really bad **** and she happened to read messages I wrote with her own eyes.  True, she had no right, but again two wrongs dont make a right.  She constantly holds it over my head, making comments all the time.  I appreciate your response.

[ryn21]

To add, she didnt find out from her friend, the things I had said about her.  She read actual internet conversations, which probably made things worse.

[babylove2006]

She should be more open minded. I mean, you were hurt with her. Yes of course you are going to say things. Did you say she go together with one of your friends? Sexually or What? If sexual, then she is in NO position to judge you.

[ryn21]

Boogaloo,

I thank you and appreciate your honesty.  Yes, I should have acted more like a man about it, but my pride was in a sense, damaged.  I should have been more clear; we didnt actually break up, she said she needed time away from me and told me she would call me within a few days.  (not a formal breakup until I found out about the guy she was talking to).  I should have been the better person not to stoop to childish levels, as I did.  She will never forgive.  I am always the one doing the forgiving (Im very understanding about certain things).

Baby,

Thank you for your kind words.  The truth is, I dont think any approach is going to work.  The more I think about it, the more I remember all the times we tried to make it work out and failed.  

I think another problem was sexual compatibility.  I dont know how to explain it but Im more into sex than she might be; Im more perverted in a sense (like to try and explore, do crazier stuff).  She is rather conservative, never seeming to like exploring.  I think she, at times, was turned off by this (rather, I know she was).  This may have had a lot to do with our arguing.  In the past few months, the sex was not good, for the most part non-existant.  This also had to do with the fact she did not trust me, always though I was out cheating when infact I never slept with anyone else while we were together (honest truth).  

So, to conclude, I think it is time to move on.  Its just hard to do as you build your life around a person (5 yrs) and at the blink of an eye you must reengineer your life to adjust to single-hood.  Im a relationship-oriented man.  I dont like being single.

[babylove2006]

Take the "put the foot down" approuch and see were it goes. If you BOTH are not willing to meet eachother half way then move on. Tell her that things in your realationship have to be different. You BOTH need to give a 100% not 50/50. It takes 100/100 on both parts. If she can't get past a few hurtful words now then what is she going to do if you guys get married, run out the door evertime she doesn't like something you say? I wish you the very best! :)

[boogaloo]

If you were broken up when she got together with your friend, you really technically had no say in it.  She didn't cheat.  There was nothing sexual.   It's pretty petty and juvenile to bad mouth her.  Depends on what was said.  Is this standard behaviour (the badmouthing)?  If she can't let it go, she can't let it go and it's time to move on.  There was a reason the two of you took a break.

My response was not meant to sound nasty.  I unfortunately don't see much future in this relationship.

[ryn21]

She didnt get into a sexual relationship with one of my old friends.  It was a mutual situation as she and him were in the same situation, relationship problems.  Our reason for breaking up is that we were arguing a lot at the time.  My question is, should I remain broken up or should I try to make things right?  I have tried several times being nice about it.  I haven't taken the "put my foot down" approach to it, which I should have from the door.  My friends all agree that she has some growing up to do, as she cant forgive, and not to get back at all; rather to move on instead.

[sparkeler]

First of all, she hooked up with your friend.  No matter if you were broken up or not, your friends should be "off limits."  That's a stab in your back and to be honest, how did you let her turn this around on you??  If my boyfriend went and hooked up with one of my friends after a break up, you better believe I'd be bad mouthing him and then some.  She's disgusting and you should walk and find someone who has more respect for you then that.