Should I stay or leave?

[dbunny19]

My husband and I have been married for just over a year now, and we've been together for 4. For the past two years, I've been struggling with whether I should stay or leave. (Yes, I was having these thoughts before we got married). There are times when I feel things are going ok, but there are many times when I think it would be better if I left.

In the beginning of our relationship, we didn't have much sex. I was always the one asking for it, and he would be the one to constantly turn me down. Now, it is the opposite. We will go months at a time without it, and I don't even care anymore. It's not that I've lost my desire in general, but I no longer want to with him.

He can be a lot of fun to hang out with, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot. He can have a very short temper, and gets mad about little things. He's never hit me, but sometimes I wonder if the things he says to me are considered verbal abuse. It is impossible to talk to him when he gets upset, and at the end of our fights, I am always left feeling terrible about myself and our relationship. I've suggested counseling, but that just upsets him more. I even asked if I could go see a counselor by myself, and he felt that was a stupid idea.

I've tried a few times to leave. However, every time I try to go, he somehow convinces me to stay. He's very good at making me believe that he loves me and can't live without me. I end up feeling so guilty about going, that I can't do it. I would feel terrible if I left him and crushed him.That, and I know there is a part of me that worries what life will be like not being married to him. I'm only 22, but I fear that I might not find someone better.

We have different goals in life. He wants kids right away, when I think it would be better to wait. He wants to live where we currently are, and I would love to move to a different state.

There's even more to tell, but those are the highlights. How do I know if I should stay or go?

[Coco87]

To bunny If I were you I would leave, due to the simple fact that he's not supporting you in your feelings about the relationship. You don't want to be the old cranky lady that never enjoyed her life in the long run. I know you're scared to leave because of the guilt, and you don't want him to feel like you're just like every1 that left him in the past, and because he trust you and you dont want him to feel like he has nothing left in his life. I used to date a girl like that she was having problems with her family and work and everytime she was around me she felt happy but she would always try to argue w/ me for no reason and when I would try to leave she would start the water works. In the end I had to make me happy and I wasn't going to that with her. And to Kyndel this guy tried to trap my best friend when she became tired of him and was about to break up. He actually came inside her and we had to get the morning after pill. I don't know whats wrong with these guys now a days.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

First, let me say that your post is very sad and disturbing to me, because you're being manipulated by a very abusive person. Let's look at the evidence:

You feel like you're "walking on eggshells." You're afraid of his temper, and he doesn't control it. He abuses you verbally and gets upset if you suggest counseling (in other words, he doesn't WANT help).

He felt that you seeing a counselor alone is a "stupid idea." Why is it up to him to decide what you do? Because he's controlling you; that's why. And you're allowing it.

He makes you feel guilty about breaking up with him, and uses this guilt to manipulate you into staying.

These are all familiar patterns to those of us who have seen patients or clients in abusive relationships. Let me ask you this: do you seriously think he can change, or even that he would ever WANT to change? When he pushes you to the edge, he then manipulates you by telling you he loves you, etc., and then the whole pattern starts again. He never changes; merely wheedles his way back into your good graces.

Let me be frank: Many times, this pattern escalates to physical abuse. You need to seriously consider whether you're willing to risk this.

You have different goals; he wants kids, and you want to wait; he wants to stay put; you want to move. The list goes on...

Think about what your life will be in 10 years. Can you see it? You'll be stuck with a child or children that you're not ready for, you'll be constantly manipulated, you'll have no power, and you'll be lonely and resentful.

You ask: "How do I know if I should stay or go?" I think you know the answer. You have serious self-esteem issues, or you wouldn't have allowed him to gain this level of control over you. Find a good counselor and begin to explore your next step. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[malloryknox]

If he really loves you he wouldnt be making you feel you have to walk on egg shells. People that do that, verbally "put you in your place" in there eyes is really just them putting you in the place they want you to be in. They are looking to control you. Love is about excepting people for there imperfections. It sounds like neither of you are truely being excepting of the other it sounds more like you are just putting up with him and he is trying to mold you. Its just easier to stay so you are. You can choose to live life out of confort and safty or you can make the growth choice. I find it interesting that a snake that is in captivity will grow with how large his enviroment is. Meaning the size of its tank deffinds its growth. I find this true for humans as well. Let me ask you this, do you want to walk on egg shells forever? Do you want to live your life the way you are forever? If the answer is no then its inevidable that you will with time. It really comes down to how much more do you want to endure. You are both going in two different directions and the lack of SEX! oh my, life is about the little things (enjoyment) and sex is one of those bigger little things. Most importantly do what feels rite. NEVER go by what others tell you no matter how close they are to you if it contridicts with your intuition. The reason for this is because no one will know you better than you do, and people have motives (your husband has motives, he wants to KEEP you). People only relate to each other and give advise to each other by how they see things... no one is all knowing. And I am no different. Just lissen to you intuition, lissen to your own thoughts and feelings.

[Kyndel]

Okay, it was very creepy for me to read this, because it sounds exactly like my relationship with my boyfriend. Im 21, but I haven't taken the jump into marrying him yet. we have been together for 3 and a half years. Everything is the same. Me wanting it in the beginning, now he can't get enough. Its like its all he thinks about. He throws fits about dumb stuff, usually when he doesnt get his way, then tells me I'm the selfish one when I don't give him what he wants. I'm unhappy with him, but then we have the occasional good days that make me question my feelings. I've tried to leave him before. He has never hit me, but has threatened to do so. When he calms down he of course claims that he would never hurt me. He says mean things to me when I don't give in to what he wants. He has gotten super clingy lately, and asks me several times a day if I want to marry him later on down the road, then gets pissed when I say i dunno right now. When I'm with my friends he texts and calls nonstop, like hes trying to keep tabs on me. There has been a few times when I wouldnt be home till after 3:00am, but he'd want to come to my house to stay the night on those nights. He would sit awake at his place all night, then go to my house when I get there. If I say no, he throws a huge fit. I think thats a bit weird. Every time I hang out with my friends, he claims that he wanted to plan something with me. I tell him hes had plenty of time to come up with a plan, and he says that he was planning to surprise me and take me to dinner (even when he had complained about funds being short). Its like hes trying to make me have no one but him. He's trying to seclude me from everyone else.
I've pretty much made the decision that I dont want to be with him, but Im honestly afraid to leave him. He threatens suicide and I know he would have a serious freak out. Since he's been sensing that Im very unhappy, he suddenly wants to have kids. now. like he wants to have sex without a condom, and when we do he tries to stay in. He's turned into a serious creeper. 2 months ago he was always saying that he would freak out if i got pregnant in the near future. I feel like hes trying to trap me with him.
Maybe we can exchange info and talk about it. We seem to have very similar situations. Perhaps we can help each other.