Somebody help...

[vegasgirl73]

6 Wks ago my boyfriend and i broke up, due to lack of communication also we weren't having sex. We got back together and went to couples counseling, we started learning to communicate. We discussed why he preferred to masturbate instead of having sex with me, he said he was just being lazy. Everything was going well until our counselor made our homework go home and get naked and try to work on it. He was too tired that day. Two days later after a few shots of Jaegermeister he sat me down and told me the truth. He was addicted to masturbation, He didn't want to have sex with me because he felt since the only thing that turned him on was porn or fantasies that was using me the person he loved in a dirty way. Tried to talk to him about it, he said later when he was sober. Next day everything was fine, his bank made a mistake on his balance and he flipped out. Since my son was there, I told him when he calmed down to let me know and I would come back over. He wouldn't speak to me for three days. We set up a time to talk after I initiated via text. Showed up to talk, he wanted to drink and I realized nothing was going to be discussed, I figured wait til morning. When I got up the next day, I tried to talk. He said he didn't want to talk, that it was over.  We've been seeing each other for 1o months, but other than this issue, he's great, the perfect guy.He's never been real affectionate or liked to be touched to much, but he said it was how he was raised. But after web sites on sexual addiction I am finding out this is a symptom of sexual anorexia. His only other ltr ended when she cheated on him, same reason. I really don't know what to do... Should I try to get back with him or just give up. Is there hope....help.Any input is appreciated.

[SeriousSam]

Introspection time.  What do get out of this relationship, and what do you want out of this relationship?  And what is different now than what it was like in the beginning?

You can't change people and sometime I am not sure you should try.
Change if it ever happens has to come from within, usually with lots of effort.

[tejodouro]

Run. This is not a wonderful relationship like you state (no sex, no communication and a child in the middle).  You are in denial.  Take care of yourself and your son.  This man is not ready for a healthy relationship.

[gagootza]

i say give him up he's addicted to por like some people are addicted to drugs .he just wants to drink and masturbate and leave you blowing in the wind.he's a lost cause.you deserve better and you deserve to be treated better.good luck

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

Your situation is way too complex for easy answers in a forum such as this.

"Other than this issue, he's great..." Let's look at what you've detailed:

1. He doesn't want to have sex with you.
2. He's looking for excuses not to.
3. YOU'RE also looking for excuses for him.
4. He has anger issues.
5. When stressed, he drinks to excess and loses his temper.
6. In other words, he has way more problems than just not having sex with you.

Please don't get sidetracked by false pop culture explanations of "sex addiction," etc. You can find easy answers to complex problems online, but there ARE no easy answers--just people wanting to sell you philosophies, products, etc. Your partner is very clearly telling you that he's not turned on to you, that he'd rather hide from problems via fantasy (very common) and that he has many intimacy issues--none of which you can solve.

Sit down with yourself and imagine being with this man 30 years from now. What do you see?

It might help you to see your counselor alone in order to gain some insight into why you're hooked into this relationship and where you want to go from here. Best of luck to you. Dr. J