Aa
not sexually active
What I can do to be more sexually active? Are there medicines I can take? I am 30 years old and I have been with my husband for 8 years. In the first couple years we were together, our sexual intimacy was great and all the time. Over the last few years, I do not want sex at all and I find it hard to give him sex at times. I am deeply in love with him. He has been away from home for almost a year due to the war and I still do not have urges for sex.He thinks that it is him because he is not able to pleasure me enough to get me excited to have sex regularly. He said "It is the lack of sex" that he may divorce me. He thinks that I need someone who will excite me better than he can. I don't want another man, and I am desperate for help. I love him and do not want the heartache to overcome us, because I think I am the one with the problem. Please Help Me.......=(
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. Has it occurred to you that you may have some issues with your relationship? Perhaps you’re bored, but don’t know how to express yourself, or you’re holding back for fear of hurting your husband’s feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re just not interested in sex with your husband. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, you’re no longer turned on to your husband. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you an anxious person? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with your husband?
Other reasons you might not be turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your husband, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your husband’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours? Or do you feel that sex is about satisfying him rather than yourself?
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. Has it occurred to you that you may have some issues with your relationship? Perhaps you’re bored, but don’t know how to express yourself, or you’re holding back for fear of hurting your husband’s feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re just not interested in sex with your husband. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, you’re no longer turned on to your husband. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you an anxious person? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with your husband?
Other reasons you might not be turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your husband, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your husband’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours? Or do you feel that sex is about satisfying him rather than yourself?
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I am at the understanding that it has nothing to do with our relationship, because we are closer than anyone else we know. After 8 years, the feelings of love stays strong and gets stronger each day. I have had some medical issues over the last 5 years and I think that might be a factor to the way I am feeling. I had a Defibrillator implanted in the beginning of those 5 years and also have had some other heart related issues along after the implant. I do not dream, daydream, or fantasize about sex with any other man. I do get turned on by my husband, but it is so hard for me to follow through until the end of our session, actually I am stopped short at the very beginning. I am not trying to pleasure him more than myself and if anything I am doing more of self concentration. Maybe I am trying too hard to work myself up for him and that is why I have lack of strive. I used to be self-conscious about myself, but he has changed me to where I am completely comfortable with him in every way and I was never able to be as comfortable around anyone before. I love my husband so deeply and I know that it bothers him, if it is bothering me. I have been on two types of medication do to the heart problems I endure and I think they might even have something to do with my sexual intimacy. Thank you so much. I am soaking in all the information that was given and I will go to the doctor to talk with him about how might the medications be affecting my sexual drive. Again, thank you.
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