Chronic depression, lack of sexual apetite and crumbling relationship

[Anonimo]

A therapist has diagnosed me with chronic depression, one I've had for more than 20 years. I was aware of this when the diagnosis came. I have blocked out the first 7 years of my life, and symptoms suggest something terrible happened during those 7 years that I can't sleep at night, I sleep with the door locked and have been always shy and had a poor image of myself.

I managed to put that depression to sleep a couple of years ago, but my mother's passing brought it all back, and I am working with a therapist to not put this depression to sleep anymore, but to deal with it. The problem is I have no interest in sex. I have never had a super sex life to begin with, I usually have painful intercourses and no orgasms (I have no problem getting an orgasm by myself, the problem is with other people) and due to this depression, the sole thought of sex disgusts me and this is putting a lot of strain on my relationship, as we have not made love for 5 months now. My partner is so upset he won't even kiss me goodnight anymore or hold my hand.

How can I make him understand that my lack of sex drive is not due to him doing something wrong, that the problem is me?

I only started counseling 1 month ago, and I am sure it will take longer than that. I am not sure my relationship will survive that long though.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

Show your husband some affection. Make love with him ( use a lot of artificial lubrication- it sounds like that may be the cause of your vaginal pain) as a favor to him and the relationship.  I know you don't feel like it- but starting to make love might surprise you and feel good.As for your husband- You dont want to cut him off from all affection and sex--and its not doing you any good either. Do this as a favor to him, and to show him you care about HIS needs as well as your own.. You don't want to get things so cold and distant and angry that it makes you more depressed!You need him on your side..

  I know that it is hard to have sex of any kind when you are depressed. Hopefully, you will get help and possible medication from your therapist.  If you really cant relate sexually during this time, have your husband go with you to your therapist and have your therapist explain your condition with him so he can understand how difficult this is for you.He needs to know a lot of this really is not under your control.

   In the meantime, whether you are making love or not, you can cuddle, express affection, and maybe give him some physical pleausre with your hands or mouth. Your husband needs some emotional reinforcement and intimacy. If you are in a monogamous relationship, you are your husband's only sexual outlet. This is a major responsibility- and you need to make him suffer less if you can. His part is to be more supportive, understanding, and patient. You are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist and your husband needs to give you some time to get better.

[sparkeler]

I hope your partner can be with you during your troubled time, but I believe that YOU need to put YOU first no matter what. You obviously need to work through this depression in order to be a happier you and it's a process.  It sounds like you have a lot of feelings that need to be addressed that have been surpressed for a long time.  Don't be affraid. Embrace your counseling and the will to get better.  If your partner decides to walk then know it's ok to stand alone.  Congrads on getting the help u deserve.  Depression can have so many side effects and can suck any life you may have left right out of you including a sex life!!  I know medications for depression can do this to.  Hang in there bc I know there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.  And a rewarding sex life!

[mother2four]

You poor thing, I do feel for you.  You are doing the best you can do, counselling is the best place for you to start. After so many years of suffering its unrealistic to assume that your problems will be solve anytime soon .. it will take time but be encouraged that with a good therapist help is on the way.  Im sorry that your husband isnt supportive and lacks understanding, hopefully his attitude will change... REGARDLESS you must concentrate on yourself in getting well again.  If you find it difficult to talk with him perhaps you could write him a letter assuring him that you love him and want nothing more than to have a loving relationship with him and are taking steps to resolve your problems and for him to be patient.  It also sounds to me that something horrific happened in your child hood which is why you feel  sex is dirty, taboo, bad  and therefore you find it impossible to relax and enjoy it. Whatever it was that happened to you know that it was NEVER your fault.  I congratulate you on taking steps to reclaim your life.  Good luck!!