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Involvement of the father of my child

I'll start from the beginning of my story. My son's father left me when I was 3 months pregnant for a girl he was cheating on me with. He texted me here and there throught my pregnancy but didn't show he wanted to be involved at all, I believe it's because he felt bad. He is still with this girl and my son is 12 days old today and perfectly happy and healthy. Him and his girlfriend are not the greatest of people. They both have criminal history and are just messed up. His girlfriend is also very manipulative and just not someone I want around my son at all. For reasons of her criminal history and behavior. It is not a jealousy thing as I was not with the father for very long and have no feelings for him anymore. I just want what is best for my son and being with him and her I believe is not a good thing. He also has a history of not just criminal records but drug use and violence. All found out after we were broken up. For the best interest of my son he should not be around him. Now me trying to do the right thing I sent him a letter saying I had the baby and made it so he had to sign it so I know he got it and he couldn't say I never told him. He texted me saying he wants to be a part of his life now. He was supposed to come over on Saturday and meet his son for the first time, but texted me that morning canceling saying his mom had to work and he didn't want to go alone. I later found out he was with his girlfriend and her son the whole day. He texts me every other day about asking how me and him are. And told me he wants to come over this coming Saturday and meet him.. Now I am hopeing that this is either His mother wanting to know her grandson pushing him to do this or him just feeling bad and actually wanting no involvement for the reasons I wrote before. I just wanted someone else's opinion that didn't know the whole story and has maybe gone through something similar. Thankyou.
2 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
Eesh, what a mess.  Talk to a lawyer, and maybe even a counselor just to understand what YOU want.  Is this guy on the baby's birth certificate?  If not, it might not be a bad idea to keep it that way.

It's possible that you could have the guy sign a document surrendering his parental rights if that is what you want.  If so, talk to your lawyer about this.  It would possibly be good to have the child's grandmother in his life, if you trust that she is not as messed-up as your ex, but it doesn't sound good at all to try to have the dad in the baby's life, because he is simply (for whatever reasons, and the reasons don't matter) not trustworthy.  His girlfriend and her attitude complicates things, but frankly he does not sound like a bushel of peaches even if she were not in the picture, and you don't want to be jerked around by his games playing and his failure to keep appointments and all.  

If you do want the child to have some contact on the parental side, check out the guy's mother.  You might even have a cup of coffee or lunch with her at a local cafe before she is scheduled to come with her son to see the baby, maybe you can get a sense of what she is like independently of her son.  If she seems like a nice grandmotherly type, that could be a resource for you and your son in years to come.  It's kind of hard to believe she is, though, given the son she raised.

In your shoes, I'd do some serious analysis about whether you want this bad smell in your life at all, and act accordingly.  At the least, ask him to stop texting as though you are his girlfriend, and let him know SPECIFICALLY that the only reason you've been in touch is the baby.  It will relieve his girlfriend's worries (maybe) and it will keep you clearheaded on your posture when you see him.  You wrote "I found out he was with his girlfriend and her son the whole day," that sounds like you have some jealousy going on and that is not good because you should be as unconnected to him as you say you are.  It shouldn't have mattered if he was with his girlfriend or at the library, the irritation was that he didn't come over when he said he was going to, not why he didn't.

Anyway, have a talk with a lawyer to see what obligations you have; I can see you are concerned that you need to keep the guy in the loop, but I don't think that legally you are obliged to do that.  I don't even think there would have been anything wrong with you not telling him the baby came, frankly, unless of course you intend to try to file for child support from him.  His criminal history and instability give plenty of cause not to want to have to interact with him, though, even child-support money would hardly be worth the grief.
Meeting with a lawyer on Thursday with my mom, I had thought about having him sign that but what if he doesn't want to you know.. It's hard to tell what he wants all but one of our conversations have been through text. I asked him to call me once to make sure it was him and he took a while to call. His mother did sign for the letter because I got a note back in the mail showing the signature. Just weird cause the first few texts were different. They were well worded and said my number one priority is seeing my son..which it does not seem to be. Almost as if his mother sent the first few texts, like it's her that wants the involvement not him.. I guess it's good I'm meeting with the lawyer before the supposed visit at my house. Just weird that he texts me at night every other day or so just asking how we are.. Hasn't asked for a picture or any information about the baby. I guess I'm just confused and frusturated. I just want to enjoy my son and not have to worry about all of this. I do not plan on asking for child support either for the same reason you said. It's just not worth it. Thankyou for replying your advice was very helpful
If he really doesn't want to be involved with the baby, he will sign.  If this is all just his mother behind the scenes, that suggests he doesn't want involvement.  Talk to the lawyer about how to accomplish the goal of getting him to sign off.  It also would be a good thing if the lawyer could talk to him without his mother in the room, to find out if he is being coerced to keep involved because she has an interest in the baby (which could be something as benign as the desire to be an active grandma.  But also, stay alert to other signals -- sometimes women who feel they screwed up with their son grab onto his baby as a new beginning, and it is very hard for the new mother to get this overbearing person out of her life.  You need to know if that is what you would face if you did let her in!)  

Even if he signs away his parental rights (and duties), his mom can still have some involvement if you want her to, though if she is writing emails for him I would consider that as sort of a red flag.  

You just don't have any way to know if there is a lot of pressure being applied on him, which is why your lawyer should aim to talk to him in person to find out what is going on.  I'd aim for getting him to totally sign off, and deal with his mother separately, and be friendly to her if she seems sane and nice.  But for him, you REALLY don't need this guy in your life.  (And I'm usually one to suggest getting child support at all costs.  Not at this cost, though.)
134578 tn?1614729226
How did it go at the lawyer?  I see you wrote in August that he had been to see the baby about three times, that sounds like you changed your mind on him not being involved.  Did he drop the girlfriend, or change something else about his life?  If nothing has changed with him, why did you have the visits?
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